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Title: The CampCategory and Genre: Adult SciFi
Word Count: 94,000
Query:
Three hundred years ago, the colonies of Drea and Baile were established, safe havens for the people when their home planet died out. Two hundred year ago, Drea went silent. Ten days ago, missiles rained down on Baile.
As a prisoner of war, twenty-four year old Celia does not make it to the work camp before she has her first run in with her captors. Beaten for using the restroom without permission, separated from the young charge she has sworn to protect, and ogled by the guards during her first shower in weeks, Celia is terrified, angry and lost. But she rejects an opportunity for an easier life in camp because it means accepting, even supporting, the Drea in their conquest. Better food and an easier job are not worth that price.
Then a chance conversation reveals Celia’s ultimate fate. The Drea plan to send her and all the other young women to breeding houses. Spending the rest of her life as a brood mare for the enemy is a future that she will do anything to avoid. When she receives an invitation to join the resistance, it’s the opportunity she has been waiting for, escape and the chance to deal a blow to the people who took everything from her.
The problem: the resistance is led by a traitor, a Bailen soldier turned Drea stooge and the man who abandoned her during the invasion. If he betrays her again, Celia will face public execution.
First 250 Words:
There is only one rule and it is strictly enforced: Stay in your seat.
But Oona’s squirming has become increasingly frantic. It’s been hours since the guards have been through and, with no one to grant permission, a trip to the train car’s single restroom is out of the question. At least it is until the little girl starts sobbing with the pain of holding it. Despite knowing her for less than a week, I can’t bear to watch her humiliate herself.
I decide to risk it.
Horrified stares follow us as we hustle down the aisle but no one says a word. No one dares, even as I stand outside the door, waiting for her to come out. And once she’s done, I place her in the only empty seat nearby while I take my turn.
When I come out, she’s gone, her empty seat a hollow gap that draws me in. The three people remaining in the section don’t look over. They continue to stare out the window, riveted to the monotonous landscape that flashes past.
“Where is she?” I ask the woman who had been sitting next to Oona.
“We sent her away. They could have come through and she would have caused trouble.” I have to stoop low to catch the words.
I would like to ask her how much trouble a tiny, frightened child could possibly make but, when I look at her, the words crumble in my mouth.
Kathy from #TeamRarity here! All my comments are my opinions only. If my ramblings help spark ideas, great! If not, forget them.
ReplyDeleteThree hundred years ago, the colonies of Drea and Baile were established, safe havens for the people when their home planet died out (wording? safe havens for the people of a dying world). Two hundred year ago, Drea went silent. Ten days ago, missiles rained down on Baile. (My first thought is that whoever took out Drea is now coming for them, but after the rest of the query, Drea are the attackers...Maybe they went silent, but give us a hint that they had become hostile? And link this to the story...missiles rained on Baile, leaving the world devastated and the people imprisoned. Then I can connect Celia to this attack...)
As a prisoner of war, twenty-four year old Celia does not make it to the work camp before she has her first run in with her captors. Beaten for using the restroom without permission, separated from the young charge she has sworn to protect, and ogled by the guards during her first shower in weeks, Celia is terrified, angry and lost. But she rejects an opportunity for an easier life in camp because it means accepting, even supporting, the Drea in their conquest. Better food and an easier job are not worth that price. (But she wants to survive? What are her hopes?)
Then a chance conversation reveals Celia’s ultimate fate. The Drea plan to send her and all the other young women to breeding houses. (Combine the first two sentences...Celia overhears the Drea plan to send...houses.) Spending the rest of her life as a brood mare for the enemy is a future that she will do anything to avoid. When she receives an invitation to join the resistance, it’s the opportunity she has been waiting for, escape and the chance to deal a blow to the people who took everything from her. (Nice!)
The problem: the resistance is led by a traitor, a Bailen soldier turned Drea stooge and the man who abandoned her during the invasion. (Abandoned her personally, or the people in general?) If he betrays her again, Celia will face public execution. (So she has a choice...join and risking being betrayed and die...or stay in the camp and...have a billion babies? Ugh.)
Pretty solid query. Character set up...she wants to survive...obstacles to that...doesn't want to go to a breeding house, but has a possible way out...that could go wrong. AND LET THE DRAMA ENSUE!
First 250 Words:
ReplyDeleteThere is only one rule and it is strictly enforced: Stay in your seat. (Oh! Okay!)
But Oona’s squirming has become increasingly frantic. (does she say anything?) It’s been hours since the guards have been through and, with no one to grant permission, a trip to the train car’s single restroom is out of the question. At least it is until the little girl starts sobbing with the pain of holding it. Despite knowing her for less than a week, I can’t bear to watch her humiliate herself. (Train car? Guards? Sights, sounds, smells (you can set up the harshness of being prisoners with little details)? Really put us there.)
I decide to risk it.
Horrified stares follow us as we hustle down the aisle but no one says a word. (How many others? What do they look like?) No one dares, even as I stand outside the door, waiting for her to come out. And once she’s done, I place her in the only empty seat nearby while I take my turn. (So she has to go that badly too? Or else why risk it? Why not bring her in with you, if she's that worried?)
When I come out, she’s gone, her empty seat a hollow gap that draws me in. The three people remaining in the section don’t look over. They continue to stare out the window, riveted to the monotonous landscape that flashes past. (Landscape of what? A chance to show us the effects of war...just a tiny detail so we know what's happening.)
“Where is she?” I ask the woman who had been sitting next to Oona.
“We sent her away. They could have come through and she would have caused trouble.” I have to stoop low to catch the words. (they sent her away? What does that mean? They called the guards or kicked her out of the car? Where could she go?)
I would like to ask her how much trouble a tiny, frightened child could possibly make but, when I look at her, the words crumble in my mouth.
OH NO!
I would love to know the mc a bit more...inner thoughts, hear her fears, hear her pain...see the train, see the landscape...The little girl is gone, but I didn't know her...Why does the mc care about her? Why are they there? Where are they going? I need hints at what has brought them there, hints to where they are going.
The Camp: The query: Good opening. You succinctly give me the scenario. The connection to Celia is not immediately clear. I assume she’s from Baile, but just a few words of transition would clarify that. Maybe “Before the Baile made her a prisoner of war, twenty-four year old Celia . . .” or somesuch.
ReplyDeleteGiven that she’s a prisoner of war, some of the phrasing seems too genteel. “A chance conversation” and “receives an invitation” are two phrases that stood out as wrongly soft, especially in a story where the MC faces being used as a brood mare.
I’d work on the ending lines a bit more. Keep the focus on Celia and the choices she is making, since it appears that this is her story. You can still talk about the man, but don’t let introducing him become a change in focus.
250 words: This scene does a nice job of getting me on the narrator’s side right away. She’s the one who acted when no one would. It also shows her as a dangerous outsider. My kind of woman! I was confused when the woman told the narrator that they sent Oona away. The same people who wouldn’t dare take action to let the child pee took action by sending her away? To where? I would have to read further to understand where that came from.
Thank you to both Kathleen and Samantha for your comments. It is great to get some direction on my edits. I have spent some time mulling over your suggestions and have made some changes. I have put the revised query and 1st 250 below. Any additional comments/critiques would be greatly appreciated!
ReplyDeleteQuery:
Three hundred years ago, the colonies of Drea and Baile were established, safe havens for the people of a dying world. Two hundred year ago, Drea went silent. Ten days ago, missiles rained down on Baile, a surprise attack from the sister colony thought long dead.
Surviving the invasion, twenty-four year old Celia becomes a prisoner of war. Beaten for using the restroom without permission, separated from the young charge she has sworn to protect, and ogled by the guards during her first shower in weeks, Celia is terrified, angry and lost. But she rejects an opportunity for an easier life in camp because it means accepting, even supporting, the Drea in their conquest. Better food and an easier job are not worth that price.
Then, a fateful conversation reveals Celia’s ultimate destination. The Drea plan to send her and all the other young women to breeding houses. Spending the rest of her life as a brood mare for the enemy is a future that she will do anything to avoid. An offer to join the resistance is exactly what she has been waiting for, the chance to escape and deal a blow to the people who took everything from her.
The problem: the resistance is led by a traitor, a Bailen soldier turned Drea stooge and the man who abandoned her during the invasion. Celia will face public execution if she joins him and he betrays her a second time.
First 250 Words:
There is only one rule and it is strictly enforced: Stay in your seat.
But Oona’s squirming has become increasingly frantic. It’s been hours since the guards have been through and, with no one to grant permission, a trip to the train car’s single restroom is out of the question. At least it is until the little girl starts sobbing with the pain of holding it, her small body shivering against the filthy seat. Despite knowing her for less than a week, I can’t bear to watch her humiliate herself.
I decide to risk it.
Horrified stares follow us as we hustle through the overcrowded car, but no one says a word. No one dares, even as I stand outside the door, waiting for her to come out. And once she’s done, I place her in the only empty seat nearby while I take my turn.
When I come out, she’s gone, her empty seat a hollow gap that draws me in. The three people remaining in the section don’t look over. They continue to stare out the window, riveted to the undulating grasslands that flash past, so different from the skeletal remains of the cities we’ve left behind.
“Where is she?” I ask the woman who had been sitting next to Oona.
“We sent her back to her seat. I won’t risk having her here. She could cause trouble.” I have to stoop low to catch the words.
I would like to ask her how much trouble a tiny, frightened child could possibly make but, when I look at her, the words crumble in my mouth.
(Please do as you wish with my opinions. And thank you again for contributing.)
ReplyDeleteThree hundred years ago, the colonies of Drea and Baile were established, safe havens for the people of a dying world. Two hundred year(s) ago, Drea went silent. Ten days ago, missiles rained down on Baile, a surprise attack from the sister colony thought long dead. (Hmmm…I’m intrigued. Tell me more.)
Surviving the invasion, twenty-four year old Celia becomes a prisoner of war. Beaten for using the restroom without permission (Is this why she’s a POW?), separated from the young charge she has sworn to protect, and ogled by the guards during her first shower in weeks, Celia is terrified, angry and lost. But she rejects an opportunity for an easier life in camp because it means accepting, even supporting, the Drea in their conquest. Better food and an easier job are not worth that price. (Minor thing: is Celia really that strong? Was she just a regular girl before this? And now she’s a dissenter? After reading the rest, I’m not sure this is even relevant in the query.)
Then, a fateful conversation reveals Celia’s ultimate destination. The Drea plan to send her and all the other young women to breeding houses. Spending the rest of her life as a brood mare (‘Brood mare’ is a pretty modern Earth term for this. I’d love to see this have a specific name.) for the enemy is a future that she will do anything to avoid. An offer to join the resistance is exactly what she has been waiting for, the chance to escape and deal a blow to the people who took everything from her.
The problem: the resistance is led by a traitor, a Bailen soldier turned Drea stooge and the man who abandoned her during the invasion. Celia will face public execution if she joins him and he betrays her a second time. (An abrupt but solid ending. Sounds interesting and I’d read it.)
First 250 Words:
There is only one rule and it is strictly enforced: Stay in your seat.
But Oona’s squirming has become increasingly frantic. It’s been hours since the guards have been through and, with no one to grant permission, a trip to the train car’s single restroom is out of the question. At least it is until the little girl starts sobbing with the pain of holding it, her small body shivering against the filthy seat. Despite knowing her for less than a week, I can’t bear to watch her humiliate herself.
I decide to risk it.
Horrified stares follow us as we hustle through the overcrowded car, but no one says a word. No one dares, even as I stand outside the door, waiting for her to come out. And once she’s done, I place her in the only empty seat nearby while I take my turn.
When I come out, she’s gone, her empty seat a hollow gap that draws me in. The three people remaining in the section don’t look over. They continue to stare out the window, riveted to the undulating grasslands that flash past, so different from the skeletal remains of the cities we’ve left behind.
“Where is she?” I ask the woman who had been sitting next to Oona.
“We sent her back to her seat. I won’t risk having her here. She could cause trouble.” I have to stoop low to catch the words.
I would like to ask her how much trouble a tiny, frightened child could possibly make but, when I look at her, the words crumble in my mouth. (Good start!)
(Thank you for contributing and best of luck!!)
WOOHOO! Revisions!
ReplyDeleteThree hundred years ago, the colonies of Drea and Baile were established, safe havens for the people of a dying world. Two hundred year*s* ago, Drea went silent. Ten days ago, missiles rained down on Baile, a surprise attack from the sister colony thought long dead. (NICE!)
Surviving the invasion, twenty-four year old Celia becomes a prisoner of war. (Because she is from Baile? Are they locking everyone up?) (Maybe a lead in to the terrible things that happen...On the train to camp, she is) Beaten for using the restroom without permission, separated from the young charge she has sworn to protect, and ogled by the guards during her first shower in weeks, Celia is terrified, angry and lost. But she rejects an opportunity for an easier life in camp because it means accepting, even supporting, the Drea in their conquest. Better food and an easier job are not worth that price.
Then, a fateful conversation reveals Celia’s ultimate destination. The Drea plan to send her and all the other young women to breeding houses. Spending the rest of her life as a brood mare for the enemy is a future that she will do anything to avoid. An offer to join the resistance is exactly what she has been waiting for, the chance to escape and deal a blow to the people who took everything from her.
The problem: the resistance is led by a traitor, a Bailen soldier turned Drea stooge and the man who abandoned her during the invasion. Celia will face public execution if she joins him and he betrays her a second time. (I might flip this last sentence...If she joins him and he betrays her again, Celia will face public execution.)
First 250 Words:
There is only one rule and it is strictly enforced: Stay in your seat.
But Oona’s squirming has become increasingly frantic. It’s been hours since the guards have been through and, with no one to grant permission, a trip to the train car’s single restroom is out of the question. (I want a bit of something here from her...a thought of rebellion, a show of the fight she has inside, the one that grows through the ms) At least it is until the little girl starts sobbing with the pain of holding it, her small body shivering against the filthy seat. Despite knowing her for less than a week, I can’t bear to watch her humiliate herself.
I decide to risk it.
Horrified stares follow us as we hustle through the overcrowded car, but no one says a word. No one dares, even as I stand outside the door, waiting for her to come out. And once she’s done, I place her in the only empty seat nearby while I take my turn.
When I come out, she’s gone, her empty seat a hollow gap that draws me in. The three people remaining in the section don’t look over. They continue to stare out the window, riveted to the undulating grasslands that flash past, so different from the skeletal remains of the cities we’ve left behind.
“Where is she?” I ask the woman who had been sitting next to Oona.
“We sent her back to her seat. I won’t risk having her here. She could cause trouble.” I have to stoop low to catch the words.
I would like to ask her how much trouble a tiny, frightened child could possibly make but, when I look at her, the words crumble in my mouth.
Great work!
The query starts too early in the story. The book opens with Celia already a prisoner. So start there...
ReplyDelete"Captured by invaders and destined to become a broodmare for the enemy Celia is ready to do anything to escape, even risk her life joining the resistance. The only thing stopping her is the man leading the cause: a traitor who left her to die.
(three sentences of back story and stakes)
TITLE is complete at ...."