For my regular readers, these are some special posts this week as part of a pitch contest I'm providing feedback for. My normal musings will return next week.
For participants, welcome to my blog! I'm happy to host you and excited to see what kinds of stories you've written. Please remember that only the author of this piece and the participating judges are supposed to comment. All other comments will be deleted.
We're Team Fluttershy! Because here on Balancing Act, we're both quite sweet unless you provoke us, in which case, we are terrifying.
You can check out other teams on the other hosting blogs: Rena Rocford (Rainbow Dash), Kathleen Ann Palm (Rarity), Elizabeth Roderick (Discord), Katie Hamstead Teller (Princess Luna)
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Title: FORWARD REMORSE
Category: Young Adult, Science Fiction
Word Count: 83,000
QUERY: Seventeen-year-old Hugo Morse is a model citizen of the 32nd century. He’s earnest and dutiful, if a tad uptight about timeship laws. Having grown up running interference between his little sisters and their demanding fleet captain mother, he’s more parent than brother, but he burns for independence on solid ground.
So, when he’s stranded in dead space controlled by a rogue AI named MAHM who’s abducted aliens from the deep past, the criminal implications make him dizzy. MAHM orders him to mentor her alien team and revive their planets, despite the grave risks to the timeline he comes from. If he doesn’t cooperate, she could space him, or, worse, erase his future and family.
Hugo tries to slow MAHM’s plans, but the aliens prove annoyingly likable. As they push back against his delays, they creep into his heart like cheerful weeds and spark his caretaker complex. He builds his own AI in secret, planning to use it to free them all from MAHM, but her time meddling attracts a worse enemy.
Moravien Tigg, a mad scientist princess from the past, will stop at nothing to get time travel for herself. Driven by a prophecy that she will save her species, she hunts Hugo across space. They clash and sparks fly, especially once a paradox casts them as reluctant allies.
Caught between the laws of time travel and his contrary heart, Hugo must choose between the utopian future he remembers and an uncertain past that already remembers him.
FIRST 250 WORDS
“Harden your heart, time traveler, for the present depends on a static past.” That’s what the copper-etched warning above the nearby docking port reads, as if any of the Syndicate’s quadrillion citizens passing beneath might forget. I never will.
It’s too much pressure to dwell on, especially for my little sisters, the twins Lorel and Nora, who stare at me with eager brown eyes. As soon as we see Earth in the forward viewing lounge of Luna Station, they push me onto a bench and drop their news bomb like luggage at my feet. They want to stay behind and party with their class while I journey to join Mother at our new colony.
At only thirteen, they’re about to achieve their first real freedom—a holiday with friends. Friends who are real people, not historical figures I program as study companions. A good brother should make them sweat this choice. Just a little.
I focus over their glossy black hair, pretending not to see hands flying to their hips. “Tell me the plan.”
“Claim human error,” Nora says in a rush. “You tell that to Uncle Bak, and convince him to tell Mother, and everything will—Why are you taking a picture?”
I lower my handheld. “Evidence for the family scrapbook. I’ll call this page ‘Nora’s descent into criminally dangerous thinking.’”
Her frown curves exactly like Mother’s. “You wouldn’t.”
“Or maybe ‘When my baby sisters pulled me to the dark side.’” I wiggle my eyebrows.
She smacks the device from my hands, but I catch it before it hits the polycrete.
You can check out other teams on the other hosting blogs: Rena Rocford (Rainbow Dash), Kathleen Ann Palm (Rarity), Elizabeth Roderick (Discord), Katie Hamstead Teller (Princess Luna)
______________________________________
Title: FORWARD REMORSE
Category: Young Adult, Science Fiction
Word Count: 83,000
QUERY: Seventeen-year-old Hugo Morse is a model citizen of the 32nd century. He’s earnest and dutiful, if a tad uptight about timeship laws. Having grown up running interference between his little sisters and their demanding fleet captain mother, he’s more parent than brother, but he burns for independence on solid ground.
So, when he’s stranded in dead space controlled by a rogue AI named MAHM who’s abducted aliens from the deep past, the criminal implications make him dizzy. MAHM orders him to mentor her alien team and revive their planets, despite the grave risks to the timeline he comes from. If he doesn’t cooperate, she could space him, or, worse, erase his future and family.
Hugo tries to slow MAHM’s plans, but the aliens prove annoyingly likable. As they push back against his delays, they creep into his heart like cheerful weeds and spark his caretaker complex. He builds his own AI in secret, planning to use it to free them all from MAHM, but her time meddling attracts a worse enemy.
Moravien Tigg, a mad scientist princess from the past, will stop at nothing to get time travel for herself. Driven by a prophecy that she will save her species, she hunts Hugo across space. They clash and sparks fly, especially once a paradox casts them as reluctant allies.
Caught between the laws of time travel and his contrary heart, Hugo must choose between the utopian future he remembers and an uncertain past that already remembers him.
FIRST 250 WORDS
“Harden your heart, time traveler, for the present depends on a static past.” That’s what the copper-etched warning above the nearby docking port reads, as if any of the Syndicate’s quadrillion citizens passing beneath might forget. I never will.
It’s too much pressure to dwell on, especially for my little sisters, the twins Lorel and Nora, who stare at me with eager brown eyes. As soon as we see Earth in the forward viewing lounge of Luna Station, they push me onto a bench and drop their news bomb like luggage at my feet. They want to stay behind and party with their class while I journey to join Mother at our new colony.
At only thirteen, they’re about to achieve their first real freedom—a holiday with friends. Friends who are real people, not historical figures I program as study companions. A good brother should make them sweat this choice. Just a little.
I focus over their glossy black hair, pretending not to see hands flying to their hips. “Tell me the plan.”
“Claim human error,” Nora says in a rush. “You tell that to Uncle Bak, and convince him to tell Mother, and everything will—Why are you taking a picture?”
I lower my handheld. “Evidence for the family scrapbook. I’ll call this page ‘Nora’s descent into criminally dangerous thinking.’”
Her frown curves exactly like Mother’s. “You wouldn’t.”
“Or maybe ‘When my baby sisters pulled me to the dark side.’” I wiggle my eyebrows.
She smacks the device from my hands, but I catch it before it hits the polycrete.
Forward Remorse: Overall, it’s quite a tight query. I get a sense of the plot and the characters, though I’m not really sure if the book leans more to the comedy or the dramatic adventure. MAHM and the mad scientist princess make me suspect comedy, but the query blurb is not at all madcap in its language.
ReplyDeleteActive verbs are best, and give you an opportunity to let us know the tone of the book. You use “is” or a contraction containing “is” rather a lot, so those are opportunities to seek spicier language. While Hugo’s age, era, and family are interesting tidbits, it might be better to get to the boy as a person and what he wants a bit faster.
As for the first 250 words, I’m intrigued by that warning over the docking port and the fact that the citizens could never forget. Points to some interesting history. The dynamic between the narrator and his sisters is fun, and you use it to give us a sense of who the boy is quickly. I bumped on “It’s too much pressure to dwell on.” The thought just felt like a stray one in the moment. But overall, I’m interested. I would read more. Best of luck to you!
Thank you, Samantha! This is great advice! 😊
ReplyDeleteHello! Kathy from #TeamRarity here for reading fun! My comments are my opinions, please take what helps and ignore the rest!
ReplyDeleteSeventeen-year-old Hugo Morse is a model citizen of the 32nd century. He’s earnest and dutiful, if a tad uptight about timeship laws. Having grown up running interference between his little sisters and their demanding fleet captain mother, he’s more parent than brother, but he burns for independence on solid ground. (So he's grown up on timeships? NEAT-O! And wants to live on Earth?)
So, when he’s stranded in dead space controlled by a rogue AI named MAHM who’s abducted aliens from the deep past, the criminal implications make him dizzy. (HOW DID HE GET STRANDED?!?!! And stealing aliens from the past, sounds fun! Stealing them for what purpose?) MAHM orders him to mentor her alien team and revive their planets (How do you do that?), despite the grave risks to the timeline he comes from (oh...bad things happen when one messes with time, yup.). If he doesn’t cooperate, she could space him, or, worse, erase his future and family.
Hugo tries to slow MAHM’s plans, but the aliens prove annoyingly likable (a tiny detail of these aliens, something we can't forget.). As they push back against his delays, they creep into his heart like cheerful weeds and spark his caretaker complex. (Lol! Love this!) He builds his own AI in secret, planning to use it to free them all from MAHM, but her time meddling attracts a worse enemy.
Moravien Tigg, a mad scientist princess from the past, will stop at nothing to get time travel for herself. Driven by a prophecy that she will save her species, she hunts Hugo across space. They clash and sparks fly, especially once a paradox casts them as reluctant allies. (Whoa. NICE CONFLICT!)
Caught between the laws of time travel and his contrary heart, Hugo must choose between the utopian future he remembers and an uncertain past that already remembers him. (Thinking about that makes my head hurt. Lol! What is the big moment of choice? Does he have to team up with Moravien? What about his alien team?)
This is very intriguing and sounds like a fun time!
Thanks, Kathy! I'm so torn about including the final choice/conflict because I'm afraid it gives too much away that are surprise twists (that are also wordy to explain/set up in the query). I'll chew on that some more. Thanks again!
DeleteFIRST 250 WORDS
ReplyDelete“Harden your heart, time traveler, for the present depends on a static past.” That’s what the copper-etched warning above the nearby docking port reads, as if any of the Syndicate’s quadrillion citizens passing beneath might forget. I never will. (Oh! Like this!)
It’s too much pressure to dwell on, (the pressure of never forgetting?) especially for my little sisters, the twins Lorel and Nora, who stare at me with eager brown eyes. As soon as we see Earth (Make stronger...As soon as Earth appears...) in the forward viewing lounge of Luna Station, they push me onto a bench and drop their news bomb like luggage at my feet. They want to stay behind and party with their class while I journey to join Mother at our new colony. (Why not let us hear this as dialogue? How does he feel about going alone? Is he annoyed? Does he usually let them get what they want? What about what he wants?)
At only thirteen, they’re about to achieve their first real freedom—a holiday with friends. Friends who are real people, not historical figures I program as study companions. A good brother should make them sweat this choice. Just a little. (But he'll give in? Because he is wrapped around their little fingers?)
I focus over their glossy black hair (over their hair...stopped me...what does he focus on?), pretending not to see hands flying to their hips. “Tell me the plan.”
“Claim human error,” Nora says in a rush. “You tell that to Uncle Bak, and convince him to tell Mother, and everything will—Why are you taking a picture?” (Can they call him by name, so we know?)
I lower my handheld. (When did he grab this camera?) “Evidence for the family scrapbook. I’ll call this page ‘Nora’s descent into criminally dangerous thinking.’”
Her frown curves exactly like Mother’s. “You wouldn’t.”
“Or maybe ‘When my baby sisters pulled me to the dark side.’” I wiggle my eyebrows. (How does he feel about this?)
She smacks the device from my hands, but I catch it before it hits the polycrete.
Fun! Time travel is always a good time. I do wonder about our mc...what he wants. What he is thinking. Let me connect to him.
Thanks for sharing your words!
QUERY: Seventeen-year-old Hugo Morse is a model citizen of the 32nd century. He’s earnest and dutiful, if a tad uptight about timeship laws. Having grown up running interference between his little sisters and their demanding fleet captain mother, he’s more parent than brother, but he burns for independence on solid ground. **I really like this opening. We get a sense of who Hugo is, and the setting, plus what it is Hugo wants**
ReplyDeleteSo, when he’s stranded in dead space controlled by a rogue AI named MAHM who’s abducted aliens from the deep past, the criminal implications make him dizzy **This sentence makes me a little dizzy. There’s a lot going on, and it reads a bit long. Also, is it just Hugo who is stranded? His ship? His colony? Maybe say something like: When the colony ship he lives on gets stranded in dead space, they’re confronted by a rogue A.I. named MAHM [then end it there].** MAHM orders **Hugo**him to mentor her alien team and revive their planets, despite the grave risks to the timeline he comes from **I’m super confused at this point. Did Hugo go back in time? How would altering the present disrupt the timeline??? What is happening?**. If he doesn’t cooperate, she could space him, or, worse, erase his future and family. **These are great stakes**
Hugo tries to slow MAHM’s plans, but the aliens prove annoyingly likable. As they push back against his delays, they creep into his heart like cheerful weeds and spark his caretaker complex. He builds his own AI in secret, planning to use it to free them all from MAHM, but her time meddling attracts a worse enemy.
Moravien Tigg, a mad scientist princess from the past, will stop at nothing to get time travel for herself. Driven by a prophecy that she will save her species, she hunts Hugo across space. They clash and sparks fly, especially once a paradox casts them as reluctant allies. **I’m WAY confused at this point, and I’m wondering why these other two paragraphs are here. It seems like you had a complete story up above, and this just reads really awkward. If this is paramount to the story, and you feel it MUST go in, then you’ll need to shorten it, and add a transition before you mention stakes. Stakes come last**
Caught between the laws of time travel and his contrary heart, Hugo must choose between the utopian future he remembers and an uncertain past that already remembers him.
FIRST 250 WORDS
ReplyDelete“Harden your heart, time traveler, for the present depends on a static past.” That’s what the copper-etched warning above the nearby docking port reads, as if any of the Syndicate’s quadrillion citizens passing beneath might forget. I never will. **I really like this opening.**
It’s too much pressure to dwell on, especially for my little sisters, the twins Lorel and Nora, who stare at me with eager brown eyes. As soon as we see Earth in the forward viewing lounge of Luna Station, they push me onto a bench and drop their news bomb like luggage at my feet. They want to stay behind and party with their class while I journey to join Mother at our new colony.
At only thirteen, they’re about to achieve their first real freedom—a holiday with friends. Friends who are real people, not historical figures I program as study companions. A good brother should make them sweat this choice. Just a little.
I focus over their glossy black hair, pretending not to see hands flying to their hips. “Tell me the plan.”
“Claim human error,” Nora says in a rush. “You tell that to Uncle Bak, and convince him to tell Mother, and everything will—Why are you taking a picture?”
I lower my handheld. “Evidence for the family scrapbook. I’ll call this page ‘Nora’s descent into criminally dangerous thinking.’”
Her frown curves exactly like Mother’s. “You wouldn’t.”
“Or maybe ‘When my baby sisters pulled me to the dark side.’” I wiggle my eyebrows.
She smacks the device from my hands, but I catch it before it hits the polycrete. **Really strong opening. I’m grounded in the world, and like these characters. Your query needs lots of work, but your premise and your writing is strong. Best of luck!**