For my regular readers, these are some special posts this week as part of a pitch contest I'm providing feedback for. My normal musings will return next week.
For participants, welcome to my blog! I'm happy to host you and excited to see what kinds of stories you've written. Please remember that only the author of this piece and the participating judges are supposed to comment. All other comments will be deleted.
We're Team Fluttershy! Because here on Balancing Act, we're both quite sweet unless you provoke us, in which case, we are terrifying.
You can check out other teams on the other hosting blogs: Rena Rocford (Rainbow Dash), Kathleen Ann Palm (Rarity), Elizabeth Roderick (Discord), Katie Hamstead Teller (Princess Luna)
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Title: ROBOT DREAMS
Category and Genre: YA Science Fiction
Word Count: 80,000 words
Query:
Wayward android Ada has never seen the outside world, until a mistaken outburst leaves her a liability to the eccentric humans who took her in. Cast out into the night, she soon finds herself an unwilling recruit at a human army camp.
At the mercy of humans taught all their life to hate her kind, Ada is forced to disguise her true identity or risk deactivation. When she is sent on a vital mission with teenage commander Nico to the heart of machine controlled territory, with the most powerful anti-robot weapon at their disposal, Ada has to decide where her allegiances lie.
She's never had a choice before. Zigzagging through a landscape ravaged by war, her journey of discovery will show her both the kindest and cruellest depths of humanity and reveal horrific truths about her world. When the 'big bad' and you are one and the same, it's hard to catch a lucky break.
Danger is closing in on all sides. It's time for Ada to decide which she'd rather be: (wo)man or machine.
First 250 Words:
They both closed their eyes and murmured words of thanksgiving together.
“Thank you for our home, for this food we eat today and for our safety from the metal-lovers outside.”
“May I be excused?” I asked, shifting uncomfortably in my seat, the charging wire plugged into my spine rubbing against the back of the chair.
Scott looked up first, peering at me over his wiry glasses.
“Stay, Ada. There are things you can be thankful for too. Why don’t you share them?” Scott’s voice was low and melodic, almost as if he was trying to hypnotise me.
“I’m thankful for...”
I looked over at Janet for clues, but today she wasn’t in the mood to be helpful. She shook her head insistently, looking like the little nodding dog in the old commercial they made me watch once. We were two hundred feet below ground, playing at happy families, and I was completely reliant on them for the electricity I needed to survive. I might never have seen the outside world but I wasn’t dumb enough to think that a family consisted of Mum and Dad and a metal-girl.
“I’m thankful I won't starve to death when the food stores run out,” I said, their eyes widening in response. I could never quite work out what they wanted me to say. The truth was always too blunt, but I couldn’t quite get the hang of delivering just the right strength of lie to lessen the blow.
Hi from Kathy #TeamRarity! All comments are my opinions only. Please take those that help you!
ReplyDeleteWayward android Ada has never seen the outside world, until a mistaken outburst (what happened? Was the "outburst" triggered by some desire she has? Why hasn't she been outside? Is it dangerous for her?) leaves her a liability (Liability how?) to the eccentric humans who took her in. Cast out into the night, she soon finds herself an unwilling recruit at a human army camp. (The army takes androids or do they think she's human?)
At the mercy of humans taught all their life to hate her kind,(awkward wording...and humans hate androids? Why? But she had been living with them right?) Ada is forced to disguise her true identity or risk deactivation. (Can't she leave?) When she is sent on a vital mission (A mission to do what?) with teenage commander (Why teen commander? Any adults in the army?) Nico to the heart of machine controlled territory, with the most powerful anti-robot weapon (they're bringing a weapon to destroy robots into robot-territory? What are they supposed to do? How does Ada feel?) at their disposal, Ada has to decide where her allegiances lie.
She's never had a choice before (what was her life before? Always underground? Why was she made?). Zigzagging through a landscape ravaged by war, her journey of discovery will show her both the kindest and cruellest depths of humanity and reveal horrific truths about her world. (Too vague. Can you give an example of what she sees? Give me details that will stick with me.) When the 'big bad' and you are one and the same, it's hard to catch a lucky break. (What lucky breaks is she searching for? What does she want? Did they destroy robots on the mission? Was that hard for her?)
Danger is closing in on all sides. (Too vague! What danger?) It's time for Ada to decide which she'd rather be: (wo)man or machine. (The big decision! But what would choosing one over the other mean for her? What are her dreams? What does she want? What drives her through the story? How does she change?)
Query is a bit vague in areas. I like this concept...A LOT! The idea of an android searching for their identity...really cool! I want to know how she changes...she goes from being underground, an android...but did she question then? What made her question? What triggered this "outburst" that gets her kicked out on the street? How does this questioning grow as she finds herself in an army? I'm not sure I'm getting the emotional journey in the query. The fact that I am asking all these questions...means I AM INTERESTED.
First 250 Words:
ReplyDeleteThey (They who?) both closed their eyes and murmured words of thanksgiving together.
“Thank you for our home, for this food we eat today and for our safety from the metal-lovers outside.” (Where are they? Set the scene. Sights, sounds, smells to bring it to life. Set me firmly in place or I feel like I am nowhere.)
“May I be excused?” I asked, shifting uncomfortably in my seat, the charging wire plugged into my spine rubbing against the back of the chair. (Neat! Good way to indicate what she is.)
Scott looked up first, peering at me over his wiry glasses. (What does he look like?)
“Stay, Ada. There are things you can be thankful for too. Why don’t you share them?” Scott’s voice was low and melodic, almost as if he was trying to hypnotise me.
“I’m thankful for...”
I looked over at Janet (What does she look like?) for clues, but today she wasn’t in the mood to be helpful. She shook her head insistently, looking like the little nodding dog in the old commercial they made me watch once. We were two hundred feet below ground, playing at happy families, and I was completely reliant on them for the electricity I needed to survive. I might never have seen the outside world but I wasn’t dumb enough to think that a family consisted of Mum and Dad and a metal-girl. (Nice! Does she want to see the outside world? Does she want to stay there with them? Does she want to please them? Why do they have an android? I envision having one to do chores, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.)
“I’m thankful I won't starve to death when the food stores run out,” (*giggle*) I said, their eyes widening in response. I could never quite work out what they wanted me to say. (Can't understand the way human minds work? Or just these people?) The truth was always too blunt, but I couldn’t quite get the hang of delivering just the right strength of lie to lessen the blow. (Yup. Humans are weird.)
This is interesting! An android struggling to fit into a human home...playing at being a family. Needs details. Tiny things to set the scene, to make me feel like I'm there. What about Ada...what does she want? To be human? I am having all the thoughts and feelings about this! Nice work. This ms seems to be one that will make readers think.
Thank you so much for these comments Kathleen, you've given me so much to think about! I'll be back tomorrow to work through your comments closely, it's late where I am, but I'll hopefully have a new draft of both query and opening to share for critique by judges soon.
ReplyDeleteExcited to think more about the emotional side of Ada's journey :)
Emma
Robot Dreams: The Query: The idea of a wayward android delighted me, but I wish I understood more of what exactly that meant from this query. Is she disobedient? Poorly functioning in some way? “Outburst” is also intriguing from an android point of view. Is she overly emotional? I’m a little confused by her status with the human army camp. Is there someone there who knows who/what she is and others who don’t?
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like the heart of the story is in Ada’s choosing sides: human or machine. The “woman or machine” line at the end is catchy (though I’d skip the (wo)man extra parenthesis--there’s no need and it looks cheesy), so the third paragraph about having a choice she’s never had before might be where you want to center the pitch.
The 250 words: What an interesting dynamic. I’m not sure if they know she’s an android or not? The “safety from the metal-lovers” seems to suggest not, but the “metal-girl” line suggests that they are. If she’s really supposed to offend by suggesting she won’t starve and they will, you might want to work on the wording to make it sound harsher. “I’m thankful I don’t need food and I can’t starve like you guys.” Blunt, and clueless, but potentially could anger her hosts. The last sentence of this selection needs a little work, too. It’s too “telling.” Maybe let her notice some cues from them that tell her she has missed the mark again, but still not really understand what was wrong with what she said?
I hope you find my thoughts helpful. Best of luck to you!
Thank you Samantha!
DeleteI think in my next draft I need to make her position with the humans a lot clearer, especially in the query letter.
This morning I've had a go at another draft of the query letter with your feedback and think the new result is heading more in the right direction than the last one - so thank you again! I'll share it here in case any more of the judges are along with feedback in the next few days.
ReplyDeleteAll wayward android Ada can remember, after having her memory wiped upon arrival, is the bunker belonging to the eccentric humans who took her in. A mistaken outburst shows she isn’t as pliable as they would have liked and she soon finds herself cast out into the night.
Her integration lessons in the bunker serve her well. When a press gang for a human army finds her while securing recruits to retake territory from the machines, she plays the human convincingly.
Unaware of the tricky politics of the outside world, and at the mercy of humans taught all their life to hate her kind, Ada is forced to hide her identity or risk deactivation.
When she is selected for a vital mission with commander Nico to the heart of machine controlled territory, with the most powerful anti-robot weapon at their disposal, Ada must decide where her allegiances lie. She’s never had a choice before and finds herself increasingly drawn to Nico, his easy friendship making her feel as if she is truly alive.
Danger is closing in from all sides. Nico’s mission is to deactivate robots and once he knows her true identity she fears he might not be so kind. The machines they encounter are increasingly hostile as they near their final destination, the machine factory where Ada herself may have been created. Ada must decide which she’d rather be: woman or machine. Her very existence is on the line.
All wayward android Ada can remember, after having her memory wiped upon arrival, is the bunker belonging to the eccentric humans who took her in. A mistaken outburst shows she isn’t as pliable as they would have liked and she soon finds herself cast out into the night. (This is a bit confusing, the original was a bit clearer. maybe...The memory wipe left android Ada with no memories from before living in the bunker with the eccentric humans who took her in. But one mistake, one outburst proves to them that she won't do as she's told (won't be what they want) and they cast her out into the night.)
ReplyDeleteHer integration lessons (Lessons on how to be human?) in the bunker serve her well. When a press gang for a human army finds her while securing recruits to retake territory from the machines, she plays the human convincingly.
Unaware of the tricky politics of the outside world, and at the mercy of humans taught all their life to hate her kind, Ada is forced to hide her identity or risk deactivation. (Love!)
When she is selected for a vital mission with commander Nico to the heart of machine controlled territory, with the most powerful anti-robot weapon at their disposal, Ada must decide where her allegiances lie. She’s never had a choice before and finds herself increasingly drawn to Nico, his easy friendship making her feel as if she is truly alive. (NICE!)
Danger is closing in from all sides. Nico’s mission is to deactivate robots and once he knows her true identity she fears he might not be so kind. The machines they encounter are increasingly hostile as they near their final destination, the machine factory where Ada herself may have been created. Ada must decide which she’d rather be: woman or machine. Her very existence is on the line. (Well, I started a bit confused, but this ended with a bang! The mission is clear. Nico being nice to her...so she likes being 'human' is great! And a choice like that...whew. Great work!)
Thanks for your kind comments Kathleen! I'll be taking another look at the first paragraphs to make them clearer and am so pleased with how the query has turned out so far. I agree that the last three paragraphs are much better than they started out as :D
DeleteTHIS ENTRY HAS MY VOTE
ReplyDeleteI am laying it down with a VOTE!
ReplyDelete