For my regular readers, these are some special posts this week as part of a pitch contest I'm providing feedback for. My normal musings will return next week.
For participants, welcome to my blog! I'm happy to host you and excited to see what kinds of stories you've written. Please remember that only the author of this piece and the participating judges are supposed to comment. All other comments will be deleted.
We're Team Fluttershy! Because here on Balancing Act, we're both quite sweet unless you provoke us, in which case, we are terrifying.
You can check out other teams on the other hosting blogs: Rena Rocford (Rainbow Dash), Kathleen Ann Palm (Rarity), Elizabeth Roderick (Discord), Katie Hamstead Teller (Princess Luna)
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Title: ConduitCategory and Genre: YA Science Fiction
Word Count: 68,000
Query:
Lif, an ancient AI suffering from survivor's guilt, asks a naive teen to help her obtain freedom.
Why would a 400-year-old AI want a 14-year-old boy's help? Everyone believes that all AIs were destroyed long ago in the 22nd century, but Caidan can hear Lif thinking. He is one Conduit of millions physically adapted to manipulate electricity and assigned to maintain underground reactors. Being a prototype, he alone knows she exists. She cannot hear him until an electrical overload gives her the chance to ask for his aid. The Conduit gladly agrees to try and break her shackles in return for a new life. Pursued by deadly agents of the Executive who owns them, Caidan must climb to the forbidden City Above, where Lif's hardware has been forgotten for centuries. Despite her brilliance and his adaptations, only their connection can save them.
First 250 Words:
“He called them ‘ghosts in the machine.’ Not Isaac Asimov with whom the phrase would be tied for decades. An ancient philosopher of the twentieth century named Arthur Koestler. No one else remembers him. Was he a good man? Or a smart one? I think myself a poor judge of such human qualifications, but if no one remembers, who is to say that I am wrong?
“When he wrote those words, Koestler had no concept of inhuman machines or of the constructs of titanium, steel, and silicon that would soon power the world. He did not know that half a millennium later, only I would recall his name. Nor did Asimov know that his name would take over words spoken by another, older man. I suppose interactions of that sort are part of ‘life’—taking on the words and ideas of another that has ceased to bear them. I have no way to know. It is unlikely that I should ever cease. I have no one to assume my words and bear them into the future even if I did.
“I could be described as many machines. Or do I only reside in the machines? I do not know. There is no one to ask.
“I do believe that, if Koestler and Asimov were alive today, they would like me. Perhaps they would look at all that I am and am not, and think me to be lovely. Or perhaps I am only a ghost in the machines.”
Conduit: The opening line intrigued me with the idea of an AI with survivor’s guilt, but as soon as you call the teen “naive” then I wonder if should be on Lif’s side or not. The second paragraph opens with an intriguing question, too, but one that takes me down a completely different path than the opening statement. You’ll need to choose which way to cast the story.
ReplyDeleteI get a little bogged down in the explanation of what Caidan is and the technical details of how he can hear Life. I lost the emotions of the story completely during that part. Since you come around at the end to the idea that Lif and Caidan can save each other, given the chance, you might want to stay more focused on the emotional connection.
As for the first 250: I am intrigued by the ideas, but this opening did not pull me into the story. It felt dry and sort of academic. Strangely imprecise and meandering for a voice that realize is supposed to be the AI. Given where the query leads me to think the story is going, establishing sympathy for Lif is going to be important. So, I’d try to begin nearer the emotional heart of the story.
Hi! Kathy from #TeamRarity here! My comments are my opinions only. Please disregard any that don't speak to you and what your ms might need.
ReplyDeleteLif, an ancient AI suffering from survivor's guilt, asks a naive teen to help her obtain freedom. (OH! Intriguing!)
Why would a 400-year-old AI want a 14-year-old boy's help? (But the AI asks for the help? This question throws me, I don't think you need it starting with the next sentence would be perfect!) Everyone believes that all AIs were destroyed long ago in the 22nd century, but Caidan can hear Lif thinking. (Who is Caiden? Who is Lif? I think we need more set up for the names. End the first sentence at 22nd century. Caiden is a Conduit, one of millions...reactors. While working, he hears a voice, hear thoughts...from someone called Lif...let us see the connection Caiden makes with the voice and figuring out who he is hearing.) He is one Conduit of millions physically adapted to manipulate electricity and assigned to maintain underground reactors. Being a prototype, he alone knows she exists. (Caiden knows she exists...how does hearing her thoughts affect him?) (She cannot hear him until) an electrical overload gives her the chance to ask for his aid. The Conduit gladly agrees to try and break her shackles in return for a new life (what new life? What does she offer?). Pursued by deadly agents of the Executive who owns them (Caiden and Lif are owned?), Caidan must climb to the forbidden City Above, where Lif's hardware has been forgotten for centuries. (Where Lif waits to be saved?) Despite her brilliance and his adaptations, only their connection can save them. (What happens if he doesn't find her or save her?)
This is super cool idea! I love this! I think the query is a little confusing, but can be simplified. Make sure we know what it is Caiden is fighting for, what he wants, what drives him.
First 250 Words:
“He called them ‘ghosts in the machine.’ Not Isaac Asimov with whom the phrase would be tied for decades. An ancient philosopher of the twentieth century named Arthur Koestler. No one else remembers him. Was he a good man? Or a smart one? I think myself a poor judge of such human qualifications, but if no one remembers, who is to say that I am wrong?
“When he wrote those words, Koestler had no concept of inhuman machines or of the constructs of titanium, steel, and silicon that would soon power the world. He did not know that half a millennium later, only I would recall his name. Nor did Asimov know that his name would take over words spoken by another, older man. I suppose interactions of that sort are part of ‘life’—taking on the words and ideas of another that has ceased to bear them. I have no way to know. It is unlikely that I should ever cease. I have no one to assume my words and bear them into the future even if I did.
“I could be described as many machines. Or do I only reside in the machines? I do not know. There is no one to ask. (THIS RIGHT HERE...The emotion here made me light up inside. Before this...I am reading and wondering what the heck? Who is this? Where are they? What is going on?
“I do believe that, if Koestler and Asimov were alive today, they would like me. Perhaps they would look at all that I am and am not, and think me to be lovely. Or perhaps I am only a ghost in the machines.” (Like this last line.)
There is nothing here for me to grab onto. A bit of emotion at the end, but no scene, no character, so it's hard for me to become involved.
Thank you for sharing...your query has me wanting to read more!
**So, before I begin the critique, I want you to know that I have a book titled CONDUIT, coming out next month. So you know, I HAD to critique this one ;-) **
ReplyDeleteQuery:
Lif, an ancient AI suffering from survivor's guilt, asks a naive teen to help her obtain freedom. **This line reads weird, and you don’t need it.**
Why would a 400-year-old AI want a 14-year-old boy's help?**I also think you can cut this sentence. Just start with “Everyone believes…**
Everyone believes that all AIs were destroyed **how long ago?** long ago in the 22nd century, but **x-year-old** Caidan can hear Lif thinking. He is one Conduit of millions physically adapted to manipulate electricity and assigned to maintain underground reactors. Being a prototype **who is the prototype?**, he **Is the “he” Lif, and the “she” Caidan???** alone knows she exists. She cannot hear him **Wait! You just said that Caidan hears Lif thinking.** until an electrical overload gives her the chance to ask for his aid. The Conduit gladly agrees to try and break her shackles in return for a new life. Pursued by deadly agents of the Executive who owns them, Caidan must climb to the forbidden City Above, where Lif's hardware has been forgotten for centuries. Despite her brilliance and his adaptations, only their connection can save them. **Or else what? What are the stakes?**
First 250 Words:
ReplyDelete“He called them ‘ghosts in the machine.’ Not Isaac Asimov with whom the phrase would be tied for decades. An ancient philosopher of the twentieth century named Arthur Koestler. No one else remembers him. Was he a good man? Or a smart one? I think myself a poor judge of such human qualifications, but if no one remembers, who is to say that I am wrong?
“When he wrote those words, Koestler had no concept of inhuman machines or of the constructs of titanium, steel, and silicon that would soon power the world. He did not know that half a millennium later, only I would recall his name. Nor did Asimov know that his name would take over words spoken by another, older man. I suppose interactions of that sort are part of ‘life’—taking on the words and ideas of another that has ceased to bear them. I have no way to know. It is unlikely that I should ever cease. I have no one to assume my words and bear them into the future even if I did.
“I could be described as many machines. Or do I only reside in the machines? I do not know. There is no one to ask.
“I do believe that, if Koestler and Asimov were alive today, they would like me. Perhaps they would look at all that I am and am not, and think me to be lovely. Or perhaps I am only a ghost in the machines.”
**So this whole opening feels like rambling to me, and I’m thrown as to why it’s in quotations. I found myself skimming over it, not really reading. This is a red flag warning. Get me started right away. Throw me into the world, not necessarily in an abrupt or boring way, but in a way that matters to the story. Exposition to open a story doesn’t work for me, and I’m guaranteed to stop reading.
I’d think about starting this in another spot in your story.**