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You can check out other teams on the other hosting blogs: Elsie Elmore (Team Droids), Elizabeth Roderick (Team Leia), Kathleen Ann Palm (Team Darkside), Rena Rocford (Team Rebels), and of course, our organizer and Grand Poobah, Katie Hamstead Teller.
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Title: EMPATHY: Imminent Dawn
Category and Genre: Adult Sci-fi
Word Count: 110,000
Query:
EMPATHY: Imminent Dawn is the story of art-school dropout Chandra Adelhadeo, who, in a desperate effort to communicate with her comatose wife, enrolls in the first round of human trials for an implant that will give her access to the internet in her mind.
Though Chandra is elated when she becomes the first for whom this technology functions, the study takes a sinister turn when dozens of patients begin to seize and go missing. Trapped on the research compound without answers from EMPATHY’s pioneer as to whether the nanochip will let her speak with her wife once she, too, has it implanted, Chandra must take action if she’s to ever see her wife again. By teaming up with an amateur programmer and an on-compound administrative assistant, Chandra fights to save the study from itself… before she, too, disappears.
First 250 Words:
Chandra Adelhadeo ran her fingers along the scar as she sat in the post-install waiting room.
So much hinged on the conversation she would have on the other side of the door at the end of the hall. Had the install gone as planned? How soon would the implant start to work? When could she use it to speak with Kyra?
Any minute now they would call her name and—ugh. Chandra cringed. She was doing it again.
She curled her fingers inward, grasping tightly at the grit of the charcoal pencil in her hand. The advice of her pre-study therapist came to her.
Draw. Write. Focus on something you can control.
Chandra eased in a breath and opened the sketchbook on her knee to a fresh leaf.
Kyra,
I’ve felt miserable for abandoning you since Ratan dropped me off. That’s not the right word, though: abandon. I did this for you, for us, and when this is all over we’ll be closer than we have been in a long time.
As soon as EMPATHY is working for me, I’ll make sure you get it as well. No matter the cost, I will make sure this works for us. We need it. I need it. I—
“Chandra?”
Her attention shot toward the receptionist. A bleary-eyed participant emerged from the back room and passed between them.
“The doctor will see you now.”
Chandra bit her lower lip. “Thanks.” A stunted breath escaped as she stood.
Here is your critique I promised! My thoughts. I am no agent, but I have seen my fair share of queries while reading subs for one of my publishers and while querying my own works. So, I hope this is of some benefit to you.
ReplyDeleteQuery:
EMPATHY: Imminent Dawn is the story of art-school dropout Chandra Adelhadeo, who, in a desperate effort to communicate with her comatose wife, enrolls in the first round of human trials for an implant that will give her access to the internet in her mind.
Ok, so generally the rule for queries is to start with a hook, something that makes the reader stop and think, wow, I really want to find out about this. Plus, this is a super LONG sentence.
Maybe break it down like... hmm...
With her wife locked away in a comma, Chandra, desperate to bring her back, signs up for a risky trial,plugging her brain directly into the internet.
Now, that is not perfect by any means, but the point is to draw out the character's desires and motivations without the super long sentence, and to Hook!
Though Chandra is elated when she becomes the first for whom this technology functions, the study takes a sinister turn when dozens of patients begin to seize and go missing. Trapped on(on or in?) the research compound without answers from EMPATHY’s pioneer as to whether the nanochip will let her speak with her wife once she, too, has it implanted, Chandra must take action if she’s to ever see her wife again. (Again with the looong sentences! Try to break this down.) By teaming up with an amateur programmer and an on-compound administrative assistant, Chandra fights to save the study from itself… before she, too, disappears.
For me, I want to see more of how this develops. Show how at first things look awesome, but then it ll falls apart. Obviously without spoilers!
First 250 Words:
Chandra Adelhadeo(do we need the last name here? I feel like it makes for an immediate disconnect) ran her fingers along the scar(what scar? or more, who's scar?) as she sat in the post-install waiting room.
So much hinged on the conversation she would have on the other side of the door at the end of the hall. Had the install gone as planned? How soon would the implant start to work? When could she use it to speak with Kyra?
Any minute now they would call her name and—ugh. Chandra cringed. She was doing it again. (doing what again?)
She curled her fingers inward, grasping tightly at the grit of the charcoal pencil in her hand. The advice of her pre-study therapist came to her.
Draw. Write. Focus on something you can control.
Chandra eased in a breath and opened the sketchbook on her knee to a fresh leaf.
Kyra,
I’ve felt miserable for abandoning you since Ratan dropped me off. That’s not the right word, though: abandon. I did this for you, for us, and when this is all over we’ll be closer than we have been in a long time.
As soon as EMPATHY is working for me, I’ll make sure you get it as well. No matter the cost, I will make sure this works for us. We need it. I need it. I—
“Chandra?”
Her attention shot toward the receptionist. A bleary-eyed participant emerged from the back room and passed between them.
“The doctor will see you now.”
Chandra bit her lower lip. “Thanks.” A stunted breath escaped as she stood.
This is a pretty good start. You're building the character and her motivations well here. Just work on those few things I noted, and I think you'll be well on your way.
I hope that helps. Good luck!
Thanks, Katie. Good notes. Finding a way to smoothly break down those long sentences was a challenge for me in this pitch, which is odd given that I like to keep my prose more sparse. I'll keep working on that. In the meantime I'll see if it trips others up as well.
DeleteAs for developing things to show how awesome they are at first, I got dinged in round one for not getting to the disappearances soon enough :( Perhaps I just need to find a better balance rather than skip over some of the early action entirely.
Very good point about the scar. Of everyone who's taken a look at this, not a single person has made the observation that it could be ambiguous, re: to whom the scar belongs. I'll see if I can better imply that it's her scar from the install operation, too.
Thanks again for your thoughts!
No worries! Feel free to tinker and repost here in the comments. And don't feel bad to disregard things. I've been given advice that had absolutely nothing to do with my work before. Do what you feel is best! I'm just giving you an objective set of eyes to help you think about how to best improve.
DeleteAbsolutely. Does the below work better at all? I added some additional details and also noticed my final paragraph, re: the multiple perspectives was cut off from my original pitch. Perhaps that's not necessary? I just want to be forthcoming, if that makes sense.
Delete---
With her wife Kyra locked away in a coma, art-school dropout Chandra Adelhadeo believes she would do anything to communicate with her again. It isn’t until Chandra enrolls in a risky trial for an internet-access brain implant, however, that she learns exactly how far she must go.
Once on the research compound, Chandra becomes the first patient for whom this technology takes. In light of her success, Doctor Wyatt Halman--the lead scientist behind the EMPATHY nanochip--asks Chandra to become the face of EMPATHY once it goes public. Chandra accepts on one condition: that Halman ensures she'll be able to use the implant to speak with her wife. Free installs for immediate family members are one of the perks of enrollment, after all.
The research progresses, but the study takes a sinister turn when dozens of patients begin to seize and go missing. Trapped in the research compound, Chandra must team up with an amateur programmer and an on-compound administrative assistant in order to save the study from itself… before she, too, disappears.
EMPATHY: Imminent Dawn relays Chandra’s tale via four competing viewpoints, each of which is set on a collision course that will determine the fate of Chandra, her wife, and biofusion technology itself. Complete at 110,000 words, it is ready for your consideration.
I was going to comment, but Katie pretty much took the words out of my mouth!
ReplyDeleteI agree with everything she says, and your revised query is much smoother! Send me a copy of this as soon as it's published, okay! ;-)
-- Tyrolin
www.tyrolinpuxty.com
Thanks, Tyrolin! I'm glad the revised query read more smoothly. And I'll add you to the list of folks to follow up with once it's published (*crosses fingers so hard they break and he can never write again*)! :)
DeleteThanks so much for participating in Son of a Pitch! I hope my comments and suggestions are useful to you in some way, even though Katie's rocked! :)
ReplyDeleteYOUR QUERY
I'm intrigued. I really like the last half of your query, and would make only minor tweaks, but your opening needs more oomph! You want to draw us in from word one, and then tell us just enough to make us want to read more. Try something like:
What would you do if you could access the internet in your mind?
Desperation to communicate with her comatose wife leads Chandra Adelhadeo, an art-school dropout, to enroll in the first round of trials for a transplant that will allow her to do just that.
Though she's elated when she becomes the first for whom this technology functions, the study takes a sinister turn when dozens of patients begin to seize and go missing.
Trapped on the research compound without answers from EMPATHY’s pioneer as to whether the nanochip will let her speak with her wife once she, too, has it implanted, Chandra must take action if she’s to ever see her wife again. Forced to team up with an amateur programmer and an on-compound administrative assistant, Chandra finds herself fighting to save the study from itself… before she, too, disappears like the others.
I would also recommend revising the first sentence of the last paragraph. It's a little wordy as is!
YOUR FIRST 250
I really like this. I want to know more. I have just a few suggestions for you here.
1. Show us what Chandra sees. What does the door look like? The receptionist? The room she's in? show us!
2. I would rearrange just a little for flow and impact. See below:
Chandra Adelhadeo ran her fingers along the scar as she sat in the post-install waiting room.
Had the install gone as planned? How soon would the implant start to work? When could she use it to speak with Kyra?
So much hinged on the conversation waiting behind the simple door at the end of the hall. Any minute now they would call her name and—ugh.
Chandra cringed. She was doing it again.
She curled her fingers inward, grasping tightly at the grit of the charcoal pencil in her hand. The advice of her pre-study therapist came to her.
Draw. Write. Focus on something you can control.
Chandra eased in a breath and opened the sketchbook on her knee to a fresh leaf.
Kyra,
I’ve felt miserable for abandoning you since Ratan dropped me off. That’s not the right word, though: abandon. I did this for you, for us, and when this is all over we’ll be closer than we have been in a long time.
As soon as EMPATHY is working for me, I’ll make sure you get it as well. No matter the cost, I will make sure this works for us. We need it. I need it. I—
“Chandra?”
Her attention shot toward the cheery receptionist. A bleary-eyed participant emerged from the back room and passed between them, barely seeming to register their presence.
“The doctor will see you now.”
Chandra bit her lower lip and stood, letting a stunted breath pass her lips. “Thanks," she whispered.
Best of luck to you!
Hi Ayden,
DeleteSorry I didn't respond to you sooner. I thought I already had!
Thanks a lot for your feedback. I think my revised query addresses a couple of the things you point out, but not all! I'm going to do some more revisions now :)
I'm glad the first 250 has you wanting more. I'm a little select with my details (receptionist, door, etc.) for reasons of word economy, but maybe I can describe them in a way to build a more foreboding mood. That'd make it worth it, I think.
Again, I really appreciate your critique. Hope to see you and some others back here once the voting starts :)
Just a writer like you, giving my opinions. Take what helps and ignore the rest.
ReplyDeleteRevised query...
With her wife Kyra locked away in a coma, art-school dropout Chandra Adelhadeo believes she would do anything to communicate with her again. It isn’t until Chandra enrolls in a risky trial for an internet-access brain implant, however, that she learns exactly how far she must go. ("exactly how far she must go"? How far she will go? Or exactly how much work she'll have to do? And cool! What exactly does this implant let her do? Good set up! I know who she is and what she wants.)
Once on the research compound, Chandra becomes the first patient for whom this technology takes. In light of her success, Doctor Wyatt Halman--the lead scientist behind the EMPATHY nanochip--asks Chandra to become the face of EMPATHY once it goes public. Chandra accepts on one condition: that Halman ensures she'll be able to use the implant to speak with her wife. Free installs for immediate family members are one of the perks of enrollment, after all.
The research progresses, but the study takes a sinister turn when dozens of patients begin to seize and go missing. Trapped in the research compound, Chandra must team up with an amateur programmer and an on-compound administrative assistant in order to save the study from itself… before she, too, disappears. (Why does she fear that she will disappear? Why do they want to save the study? What happens if they don't save it? Or do they want it gone? Sounds like a fun ride! I wonder what finally kicks her into doing something. What's the thing that sends her on her final mission? Is Kyra safe?)
EMPATHY: Imminent Dawn relays Chandra’s tale via four competing viewpoints, each of which is set on a collision course that will determine the fate of Chandra, her wife, and biofusion technology itself. Complete at 110,000 words, it is ready for your consideration.
This is very intriguing. I don't think I'd allow people to put some weird tech in my head! But I'd happily read about someone who did.
Hi Kathy,
DeleteGood thoughts on the questions at the end of the first paragraph. I really ought to hone that more. The idea behind the implant is that it lets her access the internet in her mind... it has some other perks (or odd side effects, depending on one's perspective), but you'd have to read the whole thing to see what they are ;)
I'll have to clarify that her fear related to the disappearances has to do with the other patients that have seized and gone missing. The idea is that this becomes part medical horror as the study goes increasingly wrong, with more and more patients seizing and disappearing by the day.
Good question about the final mission--you'd have to read to find out :P
Thanks again for your critique. I hope I can get this one published and get a copy in your hands some day!
First 250...
ReplyDeleteChandra Adelhadeo ran her fingers along the scar as she sat in the post-install waiting room. (Where is the scar?)
So much hinged on the conversation she would have on the other side of the door at the end of the hall. Had the install gone as planned? How soon would the implant start to work? When could she use it to speak with Kyra? (Nice build up of tension and making me wonder!)
Any minute now they would call her name and—ugh. Chandra cringed. She was doing it again. (Doing what?)
She curled her fingers inward, grasping tightly at the grit of the charcoal pencil in her hand. The advice of her pre-study therapist came to her.
Draw. Write. Focus on something you can control.
Chandra eased in a breath and opened the sketchbook on her knee to a fresh leaf.
Kyra,
I’ve felt miserable for abandoning you since Ratan dropped me off. That’s not the right word, though: abandon. I did this for you, for us, and when this is all over we’ll be closer than we have been in a long time.
As soon as EMPATHY is working for me, I’ll make sure you get it as well. No matter the cost, I will make sure this works for us. We need it. I need it. I—
“Chandra?”
Her attention shot toward the receptionist. A bleary-eyed participant emerged from the back room and passed between them.
“The doctor will see you now.”
Chandra bit her lower lip. “Thanks.” A stunted breath escaped as she stood. (AH! What is happening! I need more. We know just enough to satisfy us, and keep us reading to learn more. Great work!)
Hey again,
DeleteThanks a lot for these comments, too. You're right in line with the comments others have left. I'll make those points more clear in my next version.
I'm glad it's hooked you at least. It sounds like I did my job muahahahaha
From the fantastic Elsie Elmore...via me!
ReplyDeleteArt-school dropout Chandra Adelhadeo is desperate trying to communicate with her comatose wife. (Willing to test even long shots, she) enrolls in the first round of human trials for an implant that will give her access to the internet in her mind.
Though Chandra is elated when she becomes the first for whom this technology functions, the study takes a sinister turn when dozens of patients begin to seize and go missing. (Trapped on the research compound without answers from EMPATHY’s pioneer, Chandra doesn’t know whether the nanochip will let her speak with her wife once she, too, has it implanted. She must take action if she’s to ever see her wife again.-
By teaming up with an amateur programmer and an on-compound administrative assistant, Chandra fights to save the study from itself… before she, too, disappears.
The query is short and to the point and I like it. (Other than the colossal sentence in the middle of paragraph 2, I think it hits all the right notes.) I made a few notes along the way. My musing may or may not help. Best of luck with this!! Great work.
First 250 Words:
Chandra Adelhadeo ran her fingers along the scar as she sat in the post-install waiting room. (how did if feel? Nerve endings alert? Flesh bumpy?)
So much hinged on the conversation she would have on the other side of the door at the end of the hall. Had the install gone as planned? How soon would the implant start to work? When could she use it to speak with Kyra?
Any minute now they would call her name and—ugh. Chandra cringed. She was doing it again. (allowing the questions/worries to explode in her head?)
She curled her fingers inward, grasping tightly at the grit of the charcoal pencil in her hand. The advice of her pre-study therapist came to her.
Draw. Write. Focus on something you can control.
Chandra eased in a breath and opened the sketchbook on her knee to a fresh leaf.
Kyra,
I’ve felt miserable for abandoning you since Ratan dropped me off. That’s not the right word, though: abandon. I did this for you, for us, and when this is all over we’ll be closer than we have been in a long time.
As soon as EMPATHY is working for me, I’ll make sure you get it as well. No matter the cost, I will make sure this works for us. We need it. I need it. I—
“Chandra?”
Her attention shot toward the receptionist. A bleary-eyed participant emerged from the back room and passed between them. (Did they make eye contact? Did she study them for clues?)
“The doctor will see you now.”
Chandra bit her lower lip. “Thanks.” A stunted breath escaped as she stood.
For me, your 250 read really well and I would have kept on reading to see where this would go. Think you’re off to a great start!
All thoughts/suggestions/opinions are humbly offered. Thanks for sharing your work.
Hi Elsie via Kathy,
DeleteI'm glad the query was mostly effective for you. I did some retooling in one of the comments above, but I think your feedback on my original submission as depicted in the blog post is helpful in informing how to refine my new version, too :)
You're spot on about the "allowing the questions/worries to explode in her head" thing. I'll have to make that more apparent, though, as it sounds like it isn't quite landing for most readers. Chandra starts off as a bit of a worry wart, but becomes more confident over time.
Otherwise, I'm glad to know you'd keep reading. That's my goal! Thanks again for your feedback.
UPDATED QUERY AND FIRST 250:
ReplyDeleteQuery:
With her wife Kyra locked away in a coma, art-school dropout Chandra Adelhadeo would do anything to communicate with her again. It isn’t until Chandra enrolls in a risky trial for an internet-access brain implant, however, that she learns exactly how far she’ll have to go.
Once on the research compound, Chandra becomes the first patient for whom this technology takes. In light of her success, Doctor Wyatt Halman--the lead scientist behind the EMPATHY nanochip--asks Chandra to become the face of EMPATHY once it goes public. Chandra accepts on one condition: that Halman ensures she'll be able to use the implant to speak with her wife. Free installs for immediate family members are one of the perks of enrollment, after all.
The research progresses, but the study takes a sinister turn when dozens of patients begin to seize and mysteriously disappear. Trapped in the research compound, Chandra must team up with an amateur programmer and a study administrator to save EMPATHY from itself… before she disappears like the others, never to see her wife again.
EMPATHY: Imminent Dawn relays Chandra’s tale via four competing viewpoints, each of which is set on a collision course that will determine the fate of Chandra, her wife, and biofusion technology itself. Complete at 110,000 words, it is ready for your consideration.
FIRST 250:
Chandra ran her fingers along the coarseness of her scarred temple as she sat in the post-install waiting room.
Had the install gone as planned? How soon would the implant start to work? When could she use it to speak with Kyra?
So much hinged on the conversation she would have on the other side of the door at the end of the hall. Any minute now they would call her name and—ugh. Chandra cringed. Worry had gripped her once again.
She curled her fingers inward, grasping tightly at the grit of the charcoal pencil in her hand. The advice of her pre-study therapist came to her.
Draw. Write. Focus on something you can control.
Chandra eased in a breath and opened the sketchbook on her knee to a fresh leaf.
Kyra,
I’ve felt miserable for abandoning you since Ratan dropped me off. That’s not the right word, though: abandon. I did this for you, for us, and when this is all over we’ll be closer than we have been in a long time.
As soon as EMPATHY is working for me, I’ll make sure you get it as well. No matter the cost, I will make sure this works for us. We need it. I need it. I—
“Chandra?”
Her attention shot toward the receptionist as a participant emerged from the back room and passed between them. A failed install. Must have been. His bleary eyes told her everything.
“The doctor will see you now.”
ReplyDeleteHi R.R.,
I’m just jumping in with the most recent version of your query, ignoring the original and comments that led you here.
Query: Interesting premise! The first sentence elicits my empathy right away. The second sentence loses a little directness. “It isn’t until” seems like verbal clutter slowing down the thought and “learns exactly how far she’ll have to go” just seems sort of like empty rhetoric. This sentence also doesn’t flow very naturally from the one before. Maybe continue of the vein of “she’d do anything” with something like: Even enroll in a risky trial for an internet access brain trial.
In the second paragraph, does it matter where she is? I’m not sure why the setting “on the research compound” needs mentioning. The meat of that sentence is the second half. Maybe transition with some mention of how many have failed? or what other element makes this an especially risky move? The rest of that paragraph works pretty well for me.
I also like the third paragraph, though I think you might still be able to punch up the final line just a bit. I think it would have more impact if you use one “stakes are high” statement instead of two. Of the two, I’d pick the worry of being disappeared, since her worries about her wife are well established in your other paragraphs. Maybe something like: “If she fails, she could be the next to disappear.”
The little tag paragraph giving the parameters of the work seems fine to me.
First 250: Good intrigue from the beginning. Install is a creepy word in a medical setting. I would reword a bit though to avoid using the word install two times so near each other. A few lines later “Worry had gripped” the “had” adds unnecessary distance. How about: “Worry gripped her once again.” It’s a strong scene! Those two nitpicks are really all the advice I have for tightening it.
Best of luck! -SB
This entry has one of my votes.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for both your critique and your vote. The critique will help me tighten my query even more, as well as tidy up a couple of things in those first 250. And the vote means a lot :)
DeleteEMPATHY: Imminent Dawn’s blurb is well written. The content highlights who the central character is, what she wants, who or what opposes her, and what’s at stake. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteIn the excerpt, I was hooked from the first sentence; however, once I hit the section where Chandra eased open the sketchbook and started writing, I was pulled out of the story by her letter to Kyra. The choice of using a sketchbook instead of a journal or diary stopped me dead in my tracks. When the books opened, I expected her to draw/sketch something, even her wife’s face. Makes me wonder how often she writes journal entries in a sketch book. If she draws more than sketches, you may want to consider revising this section and show her drawing her partner while thinking these thoughts with strong, heart-felt emotions. However, if she is one to write diary entries instead of draw, you may want her to use a journal or diary. Just a thought.
Overall, this story idea/blurb pulled me in because I’m a sucker for science fiction stories based on probable happenings. For instance, back when Star Trek used hand-held communication devices, people thought it was only a thing of imagination, and now the vast majority of the population utilize cell phones. As people say, if you can think it or dream it then it can be done.
The only thing I can really say about this blurb and excerpt is that it was way too short. And it left me wanting to know more about the story of these two women. Nicely done.
April A. Luna
Hi April,
DeleteThank you for your feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed both the query and the first 250.
I love your suggestion regarding the sketchbook. Oddly enough, it's something not a single beta reader or critiquer had pointed out previously. It definitely warrants consideration. Whether she sketches Kyra's face or a memory of the two of them together, the opportunities for broader impact are many.
I will definitely put some consideration into that with my final pitch for this competition. If I don't think I can pull it off before the deadline, though, it may still find it's way into an edited draft!
Thanks again!