We're Team Hera! Because here on Balancing Act, we're both bad-ass and warm and nurturing, and we'll fight to bring out the best in our crew, um, team. :-)
You can check out other teams on the other hosting blogs: Elsie Elmore (Team Droids), Elizabeth Roderick (Team Leia), Kathleen Ann Palm (Team Darkside), Rena Rocford (Team Rebels), and of course, our organizer and Grand Poobah, Katie Hamstead Teller.
_________________________________________________
Title: FIRST5
Category and Genre: Adult Fantasy/SciFi
Word Count: (93,000)
Query:
The Inhikiod, a winged race living high in their mountain cavern hives, never bother to look down. Their life is flying the skies. As a star competitor in the Inhikiod flying competitions, nineteen-year-old Hikala lives only to fly and win accolades for herself and her Inhikiod family. After an irresponsible challenge resulted in permanent injuries to her flying partner and best friend, Hikala is banished to the planet’s surface for a year, forbidden to fly.
Never having set foot on the surface, Hikala must come to terms with her own race’s millennia old history of enslaving the planet’s indigenous race, the non-winged Dawk. Only knowing the Dawk as servants in her hive, Hikala struggles to enmesh herself in their culture and survive their hatred while dealing with the surface’s bi-annual flooding and predatory creatures.
Tid, a Dawk who sees more in Hikala than just being Inhikiod, helps her navigate the surface challenges. But as their romance grows, so do the rumblings of a revolution. The Dawk want Hikala to become a linchpin in their fight to free themselves from their Inhikiod masters. But if Hikala stays to help, she must give up flying forever, ripping out her soul. If she returns home, she’ll break Tid’s heart and abandon her new friends to the vengeance of the Inhikiod.
First 250 words:
Cradled by wind and sunlight, Hikala spun through the sky, a mirror to her partner’s flight. The air whistled through her wings, sounding a harmonic note to balance the wind-song created with each stroke of Sarwa’s violet wings. A final double flip merged flashes of blue and violet and ended their sky dance to screams of approval from the observers scattered across the sky.
Blue wings cupping the air beneath her, Hikala floated on her back and shouted her exhilaration to the wind. Always more reserved, Sarwa hovered at her side and only laughed in response, a wide lopsided grin spread across his dark brown face. Hikala sighed when the same thought she had after every perfect sky dance crossed her mind—to forget the world and keep flying with Sarwa forever. But they had finished their doubles routine and needed to return inside for their score; a score that would determine the winner of this year’s Inhikiod Games.
There were many competitions throughout the year, but these Games were the pinnacle of them all. Not much interested the Inhikiod other than their flying competitions and socializing, so the Games were highly anticipated and the best races were dissected over dinner tables for the rest of the year.
Sarwa offered his hand and he and Hikala flew back to the King’s landing pad, the staging area for the Games. As they lightly set down on the crescent-shaped entrance platform to the huge cavern carved into the mountainside, raucous cheers erupted.
lol- I've already changed my query! New one here:
ReplyDeleteNineteen-year-old Hikala lives only to fly competitively and win accolades for herself and her winged Inhikiod family living high in their mountain cavern hives. After an irresponsible challenge results in permanent injuries to her flying partner and best friend, Hikala is banished to the planet’s surface for a year, forbidden to fly.
Never having set foot on the surface, Hikala must come to terms with her own race’s millennia-old history of enslaving the planet’s indigenous race, the non-winged Dawk. Since Hikala has only ever known the Dawk as servants in her hive, she struggles to enmesh herself in their culture while also dealing with predatory creatures and the bi-annual flooding of the surface.
Hikala becomes romantically involved with Tid who helps her navigate the surface challenges. Rumblings of a revolution start when Hikala’s seventy-five-year-old mentor pushes her to become a linchpin in the Dawk fight to free themselves from their Inhikiod masters. But if Hikala stays to help, she must give up flying forever, ripping out her soul. If she returns home, she’ll break many hearts including her own, and abandon her new friends to the vengeance of the Inhikiod.
My thoughts. I am no agent, but I have seen my fair share of queries while reading subs for one of my publishers and while querying my own works. So, I hope this is of some benefit to you.
ReplyDeleteQuery:
Nineteen-year-old Hikala lives only to fly competitively and win accolades for herself and her winged Inhikiod (so I have no idea what thi is. avoid jargon in queries without explanation) family living high in their mountain cavern hives. (This is also a pretty long sentence. You need to make this hook sing.) After an irresponsible challenge results in permanent injuries to her flying partner and best friend, Hikala is banished to the planet’s surface for a year, forbidden to fly.
**Here, you really need to work on your hook. Get us to feel empathy for her banishment. Show her passion for flying, and what the heck she is! haha! She sounds like a bee.***
Never having set foot on the surface, Hikala must come to terms with her own race’s millennia-old history of enslaving the planet’s indigenous race, the non-winged Dawk. Since Hikala has only ever known the Dawk as servants in her hive, she struggles to enmesh herself in their culture while also dealing with predatory creatures and the bi-annual flooding of the surface.
***So, wouldn't the Dawk react badly to her being there as well? Amp up the struggle to show us her plight.
Hikala becomes romantically involved with Tid (is he a Dawk?) who helps her navigate the surface challenges. Rumblings of a revolution start when Hikala’s seventy-five-year-old mentor pushes her to become a linchpin in the Dawk fight to free themselves from their Inhikiod masters. But if Hikala stays to help, she must give up flying forever, ripping out her soul. If she returns home, she’ll break many hearts including her own, and abandon her new friends to the vengeance of the Inhikiod.
***For this query, I believe you need to inject more world building, especially the races at play. Without understanding the division, its hard to empathize with her conflict.
That said, I am interested in this, so I'm excited to see what you come up with.
First 250 words:
Cradled by wind and sunlight, Hikala spun through the sky, a mirror to her partner’s flight. The air whistled through her wings,(feathered, scales, etc?) sounding a harmonic note to balance the wind-song created with each stroke of Sarwa’s violet wings. A final double flip merged flashes of blue and violet(watch out for repeated works too close together) and ended their sky dance to screams of approval from the observers scattered across the sky.
Blue wings cupping the air beneath her, Hikala floated on her back and shouted her exhilaration to the wind. Always more reserved, Sarwa hovered at her side and only laughed in response, a wide lopsided grin spread across his dark brown face. Hikala sighed when the same thought she had after every perfect sky dance crossed her mind—to forget the world and keep flying with Sarwa forever. But they had finished their doubles routine and needed to return inside for their score; a score that would determine the winner of this year’s Inhikiod Games.
There were many competitions throughout the year, but these Games were the pinnacle of them all. Not much interested the Inhikiod other than their flying competitions and socializing, so the Games were highly anticipated and the best races were dissected over dinner tables for the rest of the year.
***This paragraph is telling. Chop it, and show us somewhere else.
Sarwa offered his hand and he and Hikala flew back to the King’s landing pad, the staging area for the Games. As they lightly set down on the crescent-shaped entrance platform to the huge cavern carved into the mountainside, raucous cheers erupted.
Awesome! I'm intrigued. As I said, avoid telling, and also info dumps to refine this.
Good luck!
Hi! Just a fellow writer with my thoughts. Please take what helps and ignore what doesn't.
ReplyDeleteRevised query...
Nineteen-year-old Hikala lives only to fly competitively and win accolades for herself and her winged Inhikiod family living high in their mountain cavern hives. (A suggestion for an opener... 19yo Hikala lives to fly and win. Or something short and punchy. Maybe mention her wings being her way to gain prestige for her family. Fantasy is hard, you want to make us want to read, but sometimes adding in all the world building can bog down a query. I do this. Do we need to know they live in mountain caves? Do we need to know the name of the people? All that will come through in the ms. Give us what makes it interesting... a winged race! Dude I love that!)
After an irresponsible challenge results in permanent injuries to her flying partner and best friend, Hikala is banished to the planet’s surface for a year, forbidden to fly. (What challenge and what injury? And it was her fault? Banished to the surface...oh snap.)
Never having set foot on the surface (maybe a bit of the world here...the surface being where? How is it different from where she lives?), Hikala must come to terms with her own race’s millennia-old history of enslaving the planet’s indigenous race, the non-winged Dawk. (Why must she face that on the surface? Why is that a thing now?) Since Hikala has only ever known the Dawk as servants in her hive, she struggles to enmesh herself in their culture while also dealing with predatory creatures and the bi-annual flooding of the surface. (She struggles to see them as something other than...mindless servants? Give us a description of those predatory creatures to show us what is unique in your ms...the flooding, what does that mean for her and the Dawk?)
Hikala becomes romantically involved with Tid who helps her navigate the surface challenges. (You can make this stronger) Rumblings of a revolution start when Hikala’s seventy-five-year-old mentor (Wait, someone from the Inhikiod is trying to save the Dawk?) pushes her to become a linchpin in the Dawk fight to free themselves from their Inhikiod masters. (He wants her to lead them?) But if Hikala stays to help, she must give up flying forever, ripping out her soul. (why would she have to give up flying forever?) If she returns home, she’ll break many hearts including her own, and abandon her new friends to the vengeance of the Inhikiod. (A clear decision! And clear stakes, though I don't know why she has to give up flying... I am very interested! I know you have this under sci-fi/fantasy, but it seems to be fantasy, I'd call it that. I love fantasy! I love other worlds and other races, so this is right up my alley.)
250...
ReplyDeleteCradled by wind and sunlight, Hikala spun through the sky, a mirror to her partner’s flight. The air whistled through her wings, sounding a harmonic note to balance the wind-song created with each stroke of Sarwa’s violet wings. (What color are Hikala's wings?!?!!) A final double flip merged flashes of blue and violet and ended their sky dance to screams of approval from the observers scattered across the sky. (What color is the sky?)
Blue wings cupping the air beneath her, Hikala floated on her back and shouted her exhilaration to the wind. Always more reserved, Sarwa hovered at her side and only laughed in response, a wide lopsided grin spread across his dark brown face. Hikala sighed when the same thought she had after every perfect sky dance crossed her mind—to forget the world and keep flying with Sarwa forever. But they had finished their doubles routine and needed to return inside for their score; a score that would determine the winner of this year’s Inhikiod Games. (Can you have someone call to them to come get their score...give this info through dialogue or an action of someone else? Is there an announcer? What else does she see? What is below them? And inside for their score, inside where?)
There were many competitions throughout the year, but these Games were the pinnacle of them all. Not much interested the Inhikiod other than their flying competitions and socializing, so the Games were highly anticipated and the best races were dissected over dinner tables for the rest of the year. (This takes me out of the story. You can give us just enough detail through dialogue about this, and let me get to know Hikala and Sarwa by letting me hear them and see their actions.)
Sarwa offered his hand and he and Hikala flew back to the King’s landing pad, the staging area for the Games. As they lightly set down on the crescent-shaped entrance platform to the huge cavern carved into the mountainside, raucous cheers erupted. (Do they squeeze their hands? Do they say anything? Mountains! Brown or gray rock? Snow-capped? Any vegetation? What is she feeling? Is this what she wants to do forever? Is she pleased with what this could earn her? How long has she been doing this? This is a great scene to open with. Put us right into what Hikala loves. Now show us more of her.)
From the fabulous Elsie Elmore...via me!
ReplyDeleteLiving high in their mountain cavern hives, the winged race of Inhikiod never bother to look down. Nineteen-year-old Hikala is the star competitor in the Inhikiod flying competitions and lives only to fly and win accolades for herself and her family. But an irresponsible challenge results in permanent injuries to her flying partner and best friend. Banished to the planet’s surface for a year, Hikala is forbidden to fly.
Never having set foot on the surface, Hikala come face-to-face with her own race’s history of enslaving the planet’s indigenous race, the non-winged Dawk. Only knowing the Dawk as servants in her hive, Hikala struggles to enmesh herself in their culture and survive their hatred while dealing with the surface’s bi-annual flooding and predatory creatures. (I love the conflict this creates! Love it.)
Tid, a Dawk who sees more in Hikala than just being Inhikiod, helps her navigate the surface challenges. (Nice!)But as their romance grows, so do the rumblings of a revolution. The Dawk want Hikala to become a linchpin in their fight to free themselves from their Inhikiod masters. But if Hikala stays to help, she must give up flying forever, ripping out her soul. If she returns home, she’ll break Tid’s heart and abandon her new friends to the vengeance of the Inhikiod. (need one more killer sentence here.)
I love the story in the query. Chocked full of internal and external conflict! I tinkered in a few spots – the musings may help, or not J Just fabulous.
First 250 words:
Cradled by wind and sunlight, Hikala spun through the sky, a mirror to her partner’s flight. The air whistled through her wings, sounding a harmonic note to balance the wind-song created with each stroke of Sarwa’s violet wings. A final double flip merged flashes of blue and violet and ended their sky dance to screams of approval from the observers scattered across the sky. (Wow, love the opening!!)
Blue wings cupping the air beneath her, Hikala floated on her back and shouted her exhilaration to the wind. Always more reserved, Sarwa hovered at her side and only laughed in response, a wide lopsided grin spread across his dark brown face.
Hikala sighed. The same thought she had after every perfect sky dance crossed her mind— forget the world and keep flying with Sarwa forever. But they had finished their doubles routine and needed to return inside for their score; a score that would determine the winner of this year’s Inhikiod Games.
There were many competitions throughout the year, but these Games were the pinnacle. Not much interested the Inhikiod other than their flying competitions and socializing, so the Games were highly anticipated. The best races were dissected over dinner tables for the rest of the year.
Sarwa offered his hand and he and Hikala flew back to the King’s landing pad, the staging area for the Games. As they lightly set down on the crescent-shaped entrance platform to the huge cavern carved into the mountainside, raucous cheers erupted. (That was a mouthful of description J
Love your first 250 and would have kept reading. I think you could pare out a few extra words here and there – but this works for me! I only wish I had more words to read. Great job.
All thoughts/suggestions/opinions are humbly offered. Thanks for sharing you words!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteREVISED QUERY- 2/21/17
ReplyDeleteNineteen-year-old Hikala lives to win her flying competitions. Her blue wings gain her prestige and ranking among the others of her winged race. After an irresponsible challenge to her flying partner and best friend results in permanent damage to his wings, Hikala loses the freedom of the skies when she is banished to the planet’s surface for a year, her wings locked tight.
The surface is a mystery to Hikala, so different than her skies and mountain home high above the plains. Predatory creatures she only knows as skins covering her floor, have real teeth and claws. Rather than watch the raging waters from the safety of the skies, she now must learn how to survive the bi-annual flooding of the planet.
But more difficult than creatures and floods, Hikala must examine her own beliefs and come to terms with her own race’s millennia-old history of enslaving the planet’s indigenous race, the non-winged Dawk. Only knowing the Dawk as servants in her hive, she struggles to enmesh herself in their surface culture and change life-long patterns, facing both hatred from the Dawk and her own ingrained prejudice.
Hikala falls in love with Tid, a Dawk who sees her more than just an enslaver. Tid, with other new friends, help Hikala navigate the surface challenges. Rumblings of a revolution start when Hikala’s seventy-five-year-old Dawk mentor pushes her to become a linchpin in the Dawk fight to free themselves from their masters. But if Hikala stays to help and be truly accepted by the Dawk, she must give up flying forever, ripping out her soul. If she returns home, she’ll break many hearts including her own, and abandon her new friends to the vengeance of her own race.
REVISED 250 WORDS 2/21/17
ReplyDeleteCradled by wind and sunlight, Hikala spun through the sky, a mirror to her partner’s flight. The air whistled through blue feathers, sounding a harmonic note to balance the wind-song created with each stroke of Sarwa’s violet wings. A final double flip merged flashes of color and ended their sky dance to shouts of approval from the observers scattered across the pale sky.
Blue wings cupping the air beneath her, Hikala floated on her back and shouted her exhilaration to the wind. Always more reserved, Sarwa hovered at her side and only laughed in response, a wide lopsided grin spread across his dark brown face. Hikala sighed when the same thought she had after every perfect sky dance crossed her mind—to forget the world and keep flying with Sarwa forever. But they had finished their doubles routine and needed to return to their cavern home for their score; a score that would determine the winner of this year’s Inhikiod Games.
Sarwa offered his hand to Hikala and they flew back to the King’s landing pad, the staging area for the Games. Raucous cheers erupted as they lightly set down on the crescent-shaped entrance platform to the huge cavern carved into the mountainside. Hand in hand, they strode across the stone floor, their shimmering blue and violet flight suits matching the color of their wings. Observers trailed behind them, awe and amazement reflected in their eyes while others touched them as they passed—a story for their children.
Nineteen-year-old Hikala lives to win her flying competitions. Her blue wings gain her prestige and ranking among the others of her winged race. After an irresponsible challenge to her flying partner and best friend results in permanent damage to his wings, Hikala loses the freedom of the skies when she is banished to the planet’s surface for a year, her wings locked tight. (Love all this. 1 suggestion – think about changing flying partner and best friend around depending on which is the most important to her – if it’s her friendship then put that first, but if it’s the flying, leave as it is.)
ReplyDeleteThe surface is a mystery to Hikala, so different than her skies and mountain home high above the plains. Predatory creatures she only knows as skins covering her floor, (Covering her floor? Are hey dead? If they are roaming around then alter this. Clarify either way.) have real teeth and claws. Rather than watch the raging waters from the safety of the skies, she now must learn how to survive the bi-annual flooding of the planet.(Nice.)
But more difficult than creatures and floods, Hikala must examine her own beliefs and come to terms with her own race’s millennia-old history of enslaving the planet’s indigenous race, the non-winged Dawk. Only knowing the Dawk as servants in her hive, she struggles to enmesh herself in their surface culture and change life-long patterns, facing both hatred from the Dawk and her own ingrained prejudice. (love it – the stakes are set brilliantly.)
Hikala falls in love with Tid, a Dawk who sees her more than just an enslaver. Tid, (along with . . . ) with other new friends, help Hikala navigate the surface challenges. Rumblings of a revolution start when Hikala’s seventy-five-year-old Dawk mentor pushes her to become a linchpin in the Dawk fight to free themselves from their masters. But (Lose the ‘but’ here and move to later), if Hikala stays to help and be truly accepted by the Dawk, she must give up flying forever, ripping out her soul. (BUT . . . ) If she returns home, she’ll break many hearts including her own, and abandon her new friends to the vengeance of her own race.
Accept/dismiss my comments as you wish. I suggested a few further tweaks in the query just to clarify certain points that I feel need answering.
Cradled by wind and sunlight, Hikala spun through the sky, a mirror to her partner’s flight. The air whistled through blue feathers, sounding a harmonic note to balance the wind-song created with each stroke of Sarwa’s violet wings. A final double flip merged flashes of color and ended their sky dance to shouts of approval from the observers scattered across the pale sky. (Some really nice visuals in here – great!)
ReplyDeleteBlue wings cupping the air beneath her, Hikala floated on her back and shouted her exhilaration to (into) the wind. Always more reserved, Sarwa hovered at her side and only laughed in response (To what? Kikala’s enthusiasm/her rejoicing?), a wide lopsided grin spread across his (Oh, I presumed Sarwa was a female due to the violet wings.) dark brown face. Hikala sighed when the same thought she had after every perfect sky dance crossed her mind—to forget the world and keep flying with Sarwa forever. But they had finished their doubles routine and needed to return to their cavern home for their score; a score that would determine the winner of this year’s Inhikiod Games.
Sarwa offered his hand to Hikala and they flew back to the King’s landing pad, the staging area for the Games. Raucous cheers erupted as they lightly set down on the crescent-shaped entrance platform to the huge cavern (You mentioned cavern above so this sounds a bit repetitive – tweak one of them for a more varied reading.) carved into the mountainside. Hand in hand, they strode across the stone floor, their shimmering blue and violet flight suits matching the color of their wings. Observers trailed behind them, awe and amazement reflected in their eyes while others touched them as they passed—a story for their children.
Accept/dismiss my comments as you wish. I didn’t comment much on the 250 words because they are already so good. I love the idea of their story and can’t wait to see it unfold. Wonderful start.
My one thing in the query is the Dawk mentor...where did he come from? Had she known him before or had she met him on the surface?
ReplyDeleteAnd the first 250 worked well for me! Great descriptions.
Thanks so much for your suggestions both before and this last one. I adjusted. They were very helpful. I actually now like my query...
DeleteHopefully last(ish) revisions based on new feedback:
ReplyDeleteREVISED QUERY- 2/22/17
Nineteen-year-old Hikala lives to win her flying competitions. Her blue wings gain her prestige and ranking among the others of her winged race. After a reckless challenge to her best friend and flying partner results in permanent damage to his wings, Hikala loses the freedom of the skies when she is banished to the planet’s surface for a year, her wings locked tight.
The surface is a mystery to Hikala, so different than her skies and mountain home high above the plains. Predatory creatures she only knew as rugs covering her floor at home, now breathe and have real teeth and claws. Rather than watch the raging waters from the safety of the skies, she now must learn how to survive the bi-annual flooding of the planet.
But more difficult than creatures and floods, Hikala must examine her own beliefs and come to terms with her own race’s millennia-old history of enslaving the planet’s indigenous race, the non-winged Dawk. Only knowing the Dawk as servants in her hive, she struggles to enmesh herself in their surface culture and change life-long patterns, facing both hatred from the Dawk and her own ingrained prejudice.
Hikala falls in love with Tid, a Dawk who sees more in her than just an enslaver. Tid, along with Mothe, a seventy-five-year-old doctor who lost her wings and now works and lives as a Dawk, help Hikala navigate the surface challenges. Rumblings of a revolution start when Mothe pushes Hikala to become a linchpin in the Dawk fight to free themselves from their masters. If Hikala stays to help and be truly accepted by the Dawk, she must give up flying forever, ripping out her soul. But if she returns home, she’ll break many hearts including her own, and abandon her new friends to the vengeance of her own race.
REVISED 250 WORDS- 2/22/17
ReplyDeleteCradled by wind and sunlight, Hikala spun through the sky, a mirror to her partner’s flight. The air whistled through blue feathers, sounding a harmonic note to balance the wind-song created with each stroke of Sarwa’s violet wings. A final double flip merged flashes of color and ended their sky dance to screams of approval from the observers scattered across the pale sky.
Blue wings cupping the air beneath her, Hikala floated on her back and shouted her exhilaration into the wind. Always more reserved, Sarwa hovered at her side and only laughed in response to Hikala’s joy, a wide lopsided grin spread across his dark brown face. Hikala sighed when the same thought she had after every perfect sky dance crossed her mind—to forget the world and keep flying with Sarwa forever. But they’d finished their doubles routine and needed to return to their cavern home for their score; a score that would determine the winner of this year’s Inhikiod Games.
Sarwa offered his hand to Hikala and they flew back to the King’s landing pad, the staging area for the Games. Raucous cheers erupted as they lightly set down on the crescent-shaped entrance platform to the huge hall carved into the mountainside. Hand in hand, they strode across the stone floor, their shimmering blue and violet flight suits matching the color of their wings. Observers trailed behind them, awe and amazement reflected in their eyes while others touched them as they passed—a story for their children.
You have one of my votes!
ReplyDeleteYeah Melody!! Thanks so much.
Delete