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Age and Genre: Adult Fantasy
Word Count: 118k
Query:
When slavers steal her from her village in the wastes of the southern continent, Astara doesn’t expect to emerge from a horrific ritual with the power to accomplish unexplainable feats. But being cursed with magic also bestows her with another unwelcomed gift: a lifetime of enslavement.
Wishing to return to her family, Astara is instead sold to a pair of cosmopolitan, ladder-climbing nobles who already own a famous dancer, Dahlia Vessa. But Dahlia is not who she seems to be: she’s a double agent, spying on her masters for a clandestine faction called the Nameless Circle.
The Circle fights to free those branded with magic, but they’re not the only ones set on freeing the city’s slaves. Astara and Dahlia are soon caught in the middle of an underground war between the Circle, and another faction who seek to exterminate those without magic.
The factions soon discover the two women are a pairing of Arcana SiFayn, an incredibly rare type of mage who combine powers to cast devastatingly strong magic. With control of either one of them, the Circle and Revs believe they would have the power to change the tide of the war against the masters to their subversive objectives.
But after Dahlia is arrested for murder due to the wild powers of their connection, Astara must find a way to free her friend before she’s executed for her alleged crimes, or worse: the Revenants convince her to join them in their genocidal crusade.
First 250 words:
Ministers escorted a line of captives across the length of the square training area, cruel cold cobblestones under their bare feet. At the end of the queue, shivering and teeth chattering, a young woman followed, shuffling her steps before crossing an open door’s threshold and entering a crumbling wood building. Holding her chained wrists against her chest, she stared at the floor, the pale morning light casting the Ministers’ shadows across the planked boards like mythical phantoms ready to strike. She startled when the door clapped closed behind her.
Nearly all the Ministers Astara encountered possessed magic–powers they could use to do things she had only dreamed of before slavers kidnapped her from her village on the southern continent. Lighting. Fire. Throwing objects without touching them. Slamming a door without so much as lifting a finger was hardly the most impressive feat, but she still didn’t understand how any of them did it. Her people didn’t have magic on the Mountain; in all her twenty-two years of life on the Great Southern Plains, in the region known as the “Dustbin” to the local Rykonians, she’d never seen anything like it.
In front of her, the other captives continued to walk in sync further into the building, and Astara’s chains attached to them yanked her forward. She stumbled and wobbled, her vision blurring, but managed to stay upright, feeling like she’d been awake for days on a hunt. Maybe she’d not quite woken up, her body sluggish and lethargic.
It's always tricky--trying to pare an epic fantasy story down to a few hundred words for a query. Remember that you're trying to convey the heart's core of your story, leaving the book itself for everything else. From this query, I'm not sure if it's more the story of one woman (Astara) or more the story of a pair of women (Astara and Dahlia).
ReplyDeleteIf the story is more about what happens when these two gifted women come together, then I'd get to that part faster, and not give as much detail about Astara alone. If it's more about Astara, then I'd make sure the parts about Dahlia are couched in their effects on Astara.
As I read the query, I was most intrigued by the idea that an un-magical person was made magical through some kind of horrific ritual. The opening sentence, by comparison to that idea, is a little dull . . .too scene-setting. Maybe start with something with more punch: For Astara, magic was no blessing, it was a curse. A curse that came with a lifetime of slavery to . . .
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The 250 words . . .
" Holding her chained wrists against her chest, she stared at the floor, the pale morning light casting the Ministers’ shadows across the planked boards like mythical phantoms ready to strike. " That's a really strong sentence. Consider making it first. The first two sentences convey some useful information, but they don't have the striking imagery that this one does, so they don't pull me in the same way.
The second paragraph seems to circle around itself a bit, saying similar things from different angles. The point is just "she'd never seen anything like this before." See if you can tighten up that point, drawing us in with the feelings of it, rather than listing examples.
I do feel badly for this girl right away, so her suffering is clear. It would be stronger to get to the specifics more quickly.
Hope this helps you out! -SB
Comments from the lovely Elsie Elmore, whom my blog won't allow to comment for herself:
ReplyDeleteQuery: Stolen from her village by slavers, twenty-two year-old Astara is whisked away to XXXX. She survives their horrific ritual and inherits the power to accomplish unexplainable feats.( so … does this ritual typically kill the participants? Build a little more in here since this will start her steps on the magical path. But being cursed with magic also bestows her with another unwelcomed gift: a lifetime of enslavement. (Hmm, doesn’t seem much like a bonus)
Despite her wishes to return to her family, Astara is sold to a pair of cosmopolitan, ladder-climbing (these terms very out of place here – modern while the setting feels very more medieval – would cultured and ambitious do? nobles who already own a famous dancer, Dahlia Vessa. (Do they take her to another location/town? Does she become sfirends with Dahlia? Astara quickly learns that Dahlia is not who she seems: she’s a double agent, spying on her masters for a clandestine faction called the Nameless Circle. (Learn below that Dahlia is also magical – could drop a mention of that here. I also think if the circle is nameless, you should just call them the Circle.)
The Circle fights to free those branded with magic (I like that – branded with magic), but they’re not the only ones set on freeing the city’s slaves. Astara and Dahlia are soon caught in the middle of an underground war between the Circle and the Rev faction, who seek to exterminate those without magic.
The factions soon discover the two women posses a rare type of mage (is this suppose to be magic?) whose combined powers could cast devastatingly strong magic. With control of either one of them, the Circle and Revs both believe they would have the power to change the tide of the war against the masters to their subversive objectives.(would that turn the war against the slaves? Aren’t the magical folks slaves? May want to clarify this point)
. . .
I tinkered with the order to raise the stakes – you may need to go back in and make it be true to form.
I made some suggestions and asked questions through your query. Hope they help. The plot looks strong but complicated so work to make the query tight yet reflective of the important parts. Great start
First 250 words:
Ministers escorted a line of captives across the length of the square training area. The cruel, cold cobblestones ripped at the tender flesh of their bare feet? -( give something physical) At the end of the queue, Astara followed, shuffling her steps before crossing an open door’s threshold and entering a crumbling wood building. Her teeth chattered as she shivered. Holding her chained wrists against her chest, she stared at the floor. The pale morning light cast the Ministers’ shadows across the planked boards like mythical phantoms ready to strike. (very nice) She startled when the door clapped closed behind her. (Did her chains clink? Did her teeth stop chattering for a second?)
In all her twenty-two years of life on the Great Southern Plains, in the region known as the “Dustbin” to the local Rykonians, Astara had never seen Magic. Her people didn’t have magic on the Mountain. (I like your location descriptions) . . .
In front of her, the line of captives walked in sync farther into the building, yanking Astara’s forward. She stumbled and wobbled, her vision blurring, but managed to stay upright, feeling like she’d been awake for days on a hunt.? Maybe she’d not quite woken up, her body sluggish and lethargic. The lethargy made her mind wander, maybe seeking refuge, maybe seeking escape, but regardless the reason her thoughts always went back to before slavers kidnapped her from her village on the southern continent. When she was… Insert thoughts/memories
I tinkered with the order of your details and with some phrasings. The story seems to be coming from Asatara’s vantage point so keep her perspective alive in the telling/showing of the story. Feels like the start of a good story – magic enhances everything J
Comments from Kathleen Palm who also had trouble with Blogger today:
ReplyDeleteQuery:
When slavers steal her from her village in the wastes of the southern continent, Astara doesn’t expect to emerge from a horrific ritual (How is it horrific? What does she know of it? Do they always steal people from her village?) with the power to accomplish unexplainable feats. (Like what?) But being cursed with magic also bestows her with another unwelcomed gift: a lifetime of enslavement. (Why?)
Wishing to return to her family, Astara is instead sold to a pair of cosmopolitan, ladder-climbing nobles who already own a famous dancer, Dahlia Vessa. But Dahlia is not who she seems to be: she’s a double agent, spying on her masters (Gathering what info?) for a clandestine faction called the Nameless Circle.
The Circle fights to free those branded with magic, but they’re not the only ones set on freeing the city’s slaves. Astara and Dahlia are soon caught in the middle of an underground war between the Circle, and another faction (Name them) who seek to exterminate those without magic. (So we have the Circle trying to free those with magic, to live in peace and the others trying to free people with magic, but also trying to kill off those without magic…whoa)
The factions soon discover the two women are a pairing of Arcana SiFayn, an incredibly rare type of mage who combine powers to cast devastatingly strong magic (how do they learn this?). With control of either one of them, the Circle and Revs (Who are the Revs?) believe they would have the power to change the tide of the war against the masters to their subversive objectives. (At war with the masters? Like the nobles who bought Astara? There are more of them…a land full of these nobles?)
But after Dahlia is arrested for murder due to the wild powers of their connection, Astara must find a way to free her friend before she’s executed for her alleged crimes, or worse: the Revenants (Revenants? Revs is short for this and this must be the other faction…I’d name them right away, then use the shortened form) convince her to join them in their genocidal crusade. (Who arrested Dahlia? Why blame her and not both of them? Do the Revs have her or are they trying to get her to use her? Does Astara join the Circle?)
So there are the masters, who perform a ritual to give people magic so they can use them. The Circle and Revs try to free those with magic, so I assume they have magic. The Revs go one step further and want to kill all those without magic, but if there’s a ritual, why doesn’t everyone have magic? Why does magic make you a slave? Why wouldn’t the masters give themselves magic?
Comments on the 250 words from Kathleen Palm:
ReplyDeleteFirst 250 words:
Ministers escorted a line of captives across the length of the square training area, cruel cold cobblestones under their bare feet. At the end of the queue, shivering and teeth chattering, a young woman (why not name her?) followed, shuffling her steps before crossing an open door’s threshold and entering a crumbling wood building. (there are a lot of words ending with “ing” in this sentence) Holding her chained wrists against her chest, she stared at the floor, the pale morning light casting the Ministers’ shadows across the planked boards like mythical phantoms ready to strike. She startled when the door clapped closed behind her. (this is our mc, right? What is she thinking, hoping, wishing? Put us in her thoughts, give us a sense of who she is. Right now I feel like I’m watching, but not feeling, let us get to know her.)
Nearly all the Ministers Astara encountered possessed magic–powers they could use to do things she had only dreamed of before slavers kidnapped her from her village on the southern continent. (I had to read this sentence a few times, maybe split it? I’d put the kidnapped thing in the first para…let us know she’s been taken and not a criminal or a slave) Lighting. Fire. Throwing objects without touching them. Slamming a door without so much as lifting a finger was hardly the most impressive feat, but she still didn’t understand how any of them did it. (Did she want to understand? Did magic fascinate her?) Her people didn’t have magic on the Mountain; in all her twenty-two years of life on the Great Southern Plains (The plains? I thought her people were from the mountains?), in the region known as the “Dustbin” to the local Rykonians, she’d never seen anything like it. (So she had never seen a Minister before they cam to take her? They didn’t come and take others from her village?)
In front of her, the other captives continued to walk in sync further into the building, (and Astara’s chains attached to them yanked her forward-reword? Astara’s chains clanked as she was yanked forward). She stumbled and wobbled, her vision blurring, but managed to stay upright, feeling like she’d been awake for days on a hunt. (She used to go hunting?) Maybe she’d not quite woken up, her body sluggish and lethargic.
I would like a bit more emotion. She’s captured…by people with magic. Is she scared? What is going to happen? Have her captors said anything? She’s thinking of home and how she’d never seen magic, when I think she would be planning an escape, hoping to be freed, scared of what is going to happen.
Thank you so much for your comments. I thought I'd responded to these before, but it looks like my comment is NOT here. Lovely. I think it's a blogger issue. I've had the issue before.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I’ll try to remember what I wrote before… /wince
I'm impressed that it seems like I've gotten a few of you thinking and wondering about Astara’s past (yup, she was a goat hunter in her village LOL). Thank you for pointing out what parts interested you. Clearly, the whole thing interests me, so, as any other author I’m sure, I’m blind to it.
I also wanted to mention that this isn’t supposed to be a medieval sort of fantasy—it’s supposed to be set in 16/17/18th century like technology (still swords, yet there are flint-lock pistols that sort of thing, but it isn’t steampunk), so some of the stuff might seem a little weird if that’s what you were expecting. I could only say what I could say, of course!
I did need to add some emotion into this first part—even if it’s the lack of it. I maybe being clearer about how little emotion she has, due to her exhaustion, might be helpful. Thank you for pointing that out. I’ve struggled with this first part, mostly I think because I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself. It’s been rewritten at least 100 times, blah!
Again, thank you.
Your appreciative grasshopper,
O.
One specific question for Kathleen Palm, when you said “So we have the Circle trying to … kill off those without magic…whoa,” is that a good whoa? Like a “that sounds cool” whoa or a “that sounds like a disaster” whoa? Just wondering!
I'm so glad that you found the comments helpful! I'll let Kathleen know that you have a question in case she isn't still following these posts. I am, of course, since this is my blog :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm here! And it's a totally WHOA I'M READY FOR THIS COOL ADVENTURE WHOA! Good whoa. :)
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSamantha--haha! Yes, and thanks again.
ReplyDeleteKathleen, THANKS! Great to hear since its one of the main overarching conflicts!