And away we go! Welcome to Son of a Pitch, Week 2. This week, I'll be hosting ten writers here on my site.
The top twenty will be selected and posted on Friday. Without further ado:
4.
Title Of Manuscript: SECOND-SELF
Category and Genre: Adult Speculative Fiction
Word Count: 95, 000
Query:
Eighteen-year-old Rory Lyon is an autistic college freshman who uses her strengths—focus, determination, and sensory sensitivity—to navigate obstacles in life. When she meets a mysterious man (Jai), from a planet in another dimension, she learns she shares a physical and spiritual bond with him—one so strong that if she were to die, he’d die as well. Each Incepterrian has a human counterpart, who isn’t aware of the connection.
When Rory crosses into Incepterrene, Jai’s brother seizes her. He hates humanity and is convinced Rory can be used to sever the deadly bond, but Rory's afraid of what he’d do if successful. She’ll have to choose between losing her humanity by turning her back on the inhabitants Incepterrere who are pointlessly dying, or risking the lives of humans to help Incepterrians.
First 250 Words:
Time trickles, waiting for other students to arrive. The fluorescent lights drive needles into my eyes. I shut them until the creaking of seats being unfolded alerts me people are sitting down. Sneaking peeks at them would be easier at the back of the room, but an article in the orientation package said I could raise my grades by sitting in the front row. Ten minutes watching students avoid the front row makes me realize I might be setting myself up for ridicule.
Arranging my books in the order they’re listed on the syllabus provides a temporary distraction, then I go back to scanning faces. I stop on a familiar one, meeting a pair of dark eyes. He’s perusing me like a lunch menu. Heat creeps into my cheeks, so I avert my eyes and count to five before looking back. His peculiar smile makes me wonder what’s going through his mind. He’s moving towards me, so I swivel in my seat just to be sure he’s not looking at someone else. I’ve seen enough beer commercials to know hot guys never turn out to be talking to the dorky girl with shoes that twinkle. Curse Bluetooth!
I want to start off talking about diversity in my book by focusing on the main character, Rory Lyon. Rory is neuro-divergent. I love using this term because it makes her sound like a super-hero. If I don't refer to her as neuro-divergent, I simply say she's autistic. I hate using any other term, because many of the words come with judgement and create division in the autism community that shouldn't be there.
ReplyDeleteRory is like all the Orphan Black clones smashed into one body. She has the intelligence, naivety, and anxiety of Meg Murphy in A Wrinkle in Time (Madeleine L'Engle). She is living proof that doctors need to stop diagnosing autism based on stereotypes. She's actually hyper-empathetic, displaying a lot of Sentinel intelligence, rather than fitting the stereotype of a non-empathetic person with autism.
Many people say that autism looks different in girls than it does boys, but that is narrow-minded. It leads to the idea that you can judge a person's sexuality/gender identity based on how their autism presents itself, which is ridiculous. Rory is not the stereotypical person with autism because the stereotypes are trash.
I want to talk about another character in my book, in terms of diversity. Casper Ramsden is a young man with a First Nations father and an English (ancestry) mother. He's struggling with his identity, after being estranged from his father. Casper is based on my fears as a mother, since he's basically a projection of what I fear my daughters might go through when they are older. They are also estranged from their First Nations father, and the culture and language that comes from his side of the family. Since I am not First Nations myself, I tread a fine line to treat the subject of cultural disconnect with sensitivity. I've taught in several First Nations schools, and tried to keep all the youth I've met in mind when constructing Casper.
Query: In reading this encapsulation of the story, I'm not sure what kind of story it is. It sounds like it might be a sort of coming of age story about a young woman who learns how to use her strengths. It also sounds like it might be more of a plot intrigue sort of story about untangling how these two peoples are intertwined.
ReplyDeleteI was left feeling puzzled rather than intrigued at the end of it.
250 words: I liked what I saw of Rory here. The description of her scanning the crowd and analyzing the social dynamics and realizing she chose wrong. She has my sympathy right away.
I was confused by the ending line, though. I couldn't figure out what Bluetooth had to do with anything.
I certainly don't want anyone to be puzzled. The truth is, it's all those things.
DeleteI was imagining Rory was trying to figure out if Casper was on Bluetooth with someone, but I think that might have gotten lost in translation. I was picturing those beer commercials where the guy thinks the hot girl is talking to him, but it turns out she's on blue-tooth. You are probably correct that it's a little out of place there, especially if I've failed at making people see it the way it's in my head.
Thanks so much for your feedback. I will dive into some revisions. Do we automatically get a chance to put up revisions before the vote, or is that reserved for the people who move to the next round?
Query: You need to include what you've stated in the comment into your query. Tell us about Rory! Her obstacle, the prejudices Use this stuff: "Rory is neuro-divergent. I love using this term because it makes her sound like a super-hero.etc. She is living proof that doctors need to stop diagnosing autism based on stereotypes. She's actually hyper-empathetic, displaying a lot of Sentinel intelligence, rather than fitting the stereotype of a non-empathetic person with autism." (Only fit for the drama here!)
ReplyDeleteThat will sell this unique story!
250 words: This was wonderful!
Great Entry! Well, with a little tweaking of the Query!
I have that stuff in my full query, but the instructions specifically said not to make any comparisons or include any biography. I will try to work it in. Thanks for the advice. It does make me wonder, if our query were to be selected to move on, are we allowed to have the comparisons and biography in that version? Thank you so much for you time.
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ReplyDeleteBTW...I started with your revised version.) On the right track. Some clarity is needed and a bit more plot is needed. I indicated in the body.
ReplyDeleteNeuro-diverse eighteen-year-old Rory Lyon uses her strengths—focus, determination, and sensory sensitivity—to navigate the difficult transition to college life. She’s living proof doctors need to stop diagnosing autism based on stereotypes. (I love this line) The idea all people with autism are robotic is a misconception. Rory is hyper-empathetic, a by-product of Sentinel Intelligence. She intuits when something is wrong, and people’s pain assaults on her senses.
When she meets the mysterious Jai, who hails from a planet in another dimension, Rory learns she shares a physical and spiritual bond with him—one so strong that if she were to die, he’d die as well. When Rory crosses into Incepterrene, Jai’s brother captures her. He reveals each Incepterrian is similarly tied to one human, referred to as a second-self. He's convinced Rory can be used to sever the deadly bond. (why does he want to sever the bond? To kill Jai?) Rory's afraid of what he’ll do if successful. (Is there a power struggle going on? Give a snippet of more plot here) She’ll have to choose between losing her humanity by turning her back on the inhabitants of Incepterrere—who are pointlessly dying—or risking the lives of humans to help Incepterrians. (this is a lot of words going on here. This sentence throws me – pare it down or spit it in two. This line should have much more punch but is weighed down by the words. Tinker a bit)
first 250
Like the start and where this is going. Look for opportunities to tighten the work by deleting small words. For example:
He’s moving towards me, so I swivel in my seat just to be sure he’s not looking at someone else.
he moves towards me. I swivel in my seat to be sure he's not looking at someone else.
Thumbs up;)
Best of luck!
Thank you so much. I am blown away at how much time you all are devoting to this. Just reading through all the entries was work. Composing useful advice is an admirable chore to take on.
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ReplyDeleteThis is a cool concept, and I love character diversity in stories like these - such a great place to have diversity.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph of your query, though, leaves me pretty confused...ah, I'm seeing your revisions above. Okay, while I agree entirely, I would take the "She's living proof..." and "The idea all people with autism..." sentences out, because they don't belong in a query...
Also don't know what Sentinel intelligence is.
The second paragraph is better, but I'm still confused. How/why does she cross into Incepterrene? How could Rory be used to sever the bond? And I get why if she turns her back she could lose her humanity, but "lose her humanity" could mean several different things in a sci-fi context, so I'd say, maybe, she couldn't live with herself for allowing the deaths to continue, or some such.
250: "as I wait for other students to arrive" would be better, because time isn't waiting, right?
"seats being unfolded" is passive voice you can avoid. "creaking of seats unfolding" sounds better to me.
But otherwise your 250 is wicked awesome :) GREAT character development.
Oh...I know who you are, now that I look at the comments :) Glad I finally got to your entry. I like it A LOT.
Edit, edit, edit. �� I'll revise later, but I have to do the work thing today. Thank you for the suggestions. It is so gratifying to have feedback, since it tends to to rare. The front end of my book was a hot mess at one point, so it's nice to see it's mostly working now. I had to chop about 4 chapters to make that happen. It is a growth process.
ReplyDeleteTHIS HAS MY VOTE.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked from the beginning because of your incredible voice and masterful character development, and I can't wait to see Rory navigate the complexities of this very rich plot. Good work :)
I want to cry. This is the most validation I have had in this whole writing process. Thank you so much!
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ReplyDeleteI've erased my most recent updates, because the contest is over for me. If you want to see and comment on any changes, see my blog. Thanks everyone.
ReplyDeletehttp://racheldrainey.blogspot.com/2016/02/second-self-sonofapitch-writing.html?spref=tw