And away we go! Welcome to Son of a Pitch, Week 2. This week, I'll be hosting ten writers here on my site.
Participants are asked NOT to comment on other entrants' posts, only their own. Though, you may, of course, tweet, bribe, coax, share, cajole and otherwise pursue glory for your own pitch. I'll be leaving feedback in the comments, as will other participating writers: Ayden Morgen , Elsie Elmore , Leigh Statham , Mara Valderran, Stacey Nash , Elizabeth Roderick, and Yolanda Renée!
The top twenty will be selected and posted on Friday. Without further ado:
Title: The Witch of Belle Fleur
Age and Genre: YA/ Fantasy
Word Count: 83,000
Query:
Belle Fleur, FL has always been known for being ‘the most magical town in America’. Well although it’s just a line on their license plates, the town really is going to be the most magical town in America, and most of the residents of this swamp town are not ready for this. A big change is coming to Belle Fleur and things are about to get very supernatural.
The Witch of Belle Fleur is a fantasy novel in which regular people deal with anything but regular events, and how they deal with those events will forever change their lives. This is a story of people confronting darkness and how they deal with the darkness without and within. Some welcome the darkness while others fight it, risking everything they have and love.
The novel begins with Juliette and Victor, two best friends in the swamps then turns left when one of them reveals he is a witch. As the plot intensifies other forces come into play, turning The Witch of Belle Fleur into a crash of natural and unnatural forces.
First 250 Words:
Standing tall on the roots of the mangrove trees made Juliette feel like a witch already. It also protected her from the snake she was spying on. She gripped the tan colored tree trunk and ignored the ants which crawled on her damp skin.
The swamp was a place where anything was possible. It was a place where she and Victor, her best friend, could be anyone. Here she wasn’t a waitress, recent high school graduate, orphan, or niece. Here in the swamp she was just Juliette.
Juliette was bursting with excitement the problem was, she couldn’t share it with Victor. Soon she’d be given the chance to either deny or accept her role as lead witch in Belle Fleur. The funny thing was that she wasn’t sure what she’d decide. She was drawn to the magical part full of relics and mystery but she dreaded the idea of the danger and all the drama that came with it. Honestly, part of her didn’t even believe magic was even real. How could magic exist in a world plagued with problems? She figured magic should have fixed everything by now if it was as powerful and real as her aunt said it was. Besides, Juliette admitted to herself long ago that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be a witch and not be able to ever tell Victor about it. He was her best friend, after all.
“Is it the right snake?” Victor asked.
“No, it’s just a python.”
Query: The opening sentence is strong, but it falls apart a bit in the second one, loses the punch and becomes just conversational. Perhaps something like: “For the residents of this swamp town, that’s just a line on their license plates, but that’s about to change. Change is coming to Belle Fleur--things are about to get supernatural.”
ReplyDeleteMost of the second paragraph seems vague to me. Perhaps it is too abstract. Rather than trying to describe the story in external terms, get to the specific heart of your tale. Generalities aren’t going to sell it. Characters and a description of what’s at stake will.
In the third paragraph, when you introduce the characters, I don’t get a feel for them. I can’t, for example, tell if they are children or adults. Again, be specific: let us see YOUR story rather than just A story.
First 250 Words: Good beginning. I liked the setting and the quick encapsulation of Juliette’s character.
You have some proofreading errors you’ll need to address: “Juliette was bursting with excitement the problem was, she couldn’t share it with Victor” is a run-on sentence, for example.
Watch out for too much “was.” In quick succession, we have “the problem was” and “the funny thing was” which share too close a cadence.
When Victor reappears on the scene, Juliette is lost in thought. Let him make some noise or something that shakes her from her internal monologue. Otherwise, it just feels abrupt.
Hope these comments help you out!
The start to your query is strong. The first paragraph leads in very nicely but paragraph two and three need to deliver different goods.
ReplyDeleteBelle Fleur, FL is known for being ‘the most magical town in America’. Although that claim is just a tag line on their license plates, the town is about to be the most magical place in America, and most of the residents of this swamp town are not ready for this. (love the tone and voice here!! Switched a word to avoid echo) A big change is coming to Belle Fleur and things are about to get very supernatural. (like this too)
Next should be a protag set up with conflict and tension, not an overview. Show these elements you are describing. For example:
Umpteen year old Juliette has mixed feeling about assuming role as lead witch in Belle Fleur. She’s had a tough year with …. Or orphaned at a young age, Juliette found she needed to belong somewhere. String together some character revealing details about Juliette and then identify her conflict.
Next tell me what the stakes are. What happens in this sleepy little town of Belle Fleur once the witches kick up their heels/ Will Juliette have to make a tough choice? What’s victor’s role? End on a detail that leaves them guessing ☺
First 250 Words:
Standing tall on the roots of the mangrove trees made Juliette feel like a witch already. It also protected her from the snake she was spying on. She gripped the tan colored tree trunk and ignored the ants (crawling) on her damp skin.
The swamp was a place where anything was possible. It was a place where she and Victor, her best friend, could be anyone. Here she wasn’t a waitress, a recent high school graduate, an orphan, or a niece. Here in the swamp, she was just Juliette.
Juliette was bursting with excitement, but she couldn’t share it with Victor. (I rephrased this sentence) Soon she’d be given the chance to either deny or accept her role as lead witch in Belle Fleur. The funny thing was that she wasn’t sure what she’d decide. (she was torn? Is there any type of physical responses to this? ) Juliette was drawn to the magical part full of relics and mystery but she dreaded the idea of the danger and all the drama that came with it. Honestly, part of her didn’t even believe magic was even real. How could magic exist in a world plagued with problems? Magic should have fixed everything by now if it was as powerful and real as her aunt said it was. Besides, Juliette admitted to herself long ago that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be a witch and not be able to ever tell Victor about it. He was her best friend, after all.
“Is it the right snake?” Victor asked.
“No, it’s just a python.”
There’s a lot of internal musings here that might be better served as snippets in further conversation so the scene moves forward faster.
I like the visual of the swamp and her indecision with this opportunity but I want something to happen, even if it’s just a conversation with Victor. Perhaps starting a little farther into the story would help.
best of luck!
This is an interesting concept. It reminds me a little of "Haven" with a young adult twist.
ReplyDeleteYour query could be much stronger! Give us more about your main characters as they are a big selling point. We don't need to know everything about them or the town, but we do need enough to keep us invested.
Your first 250 words could also be stronger. Try to trim down that third paragraph especially. You can weave a lot of that information in as you go along. Also, watch out for passive phrasing and grammar issues (run on sentences, missing commas, etc).
Good luck!
Query: There's a lot of telling us what this is about, why not try showing it. Your protagonists aren't even introduced until the last paragraph.
ReplyDelete259 words: Ditto on the other advice. Love the setting, use it!
Great Effort!
Hello:
ReplyDeleteOkay, query. Tighten first paragraph:
Belle Fleur, FL is known as ‘the most magical town in America’. Up until now it has just been a line on the townspeaople's license plates, but things are about to get very supernatural.
I think the rest of what you say in the first paragraph is implied well enough by the above.
Second paragraph, delete entirely. You need to show us all this, instead, by giving specifics about your plot (this is all very vague). Tell us about the two friends, and how one of them discovers they're a witch. Then tell us about their goals, the obstacles to achieving their goals, and the stakes: what they stand to lose if they don't achieve their goals.
First 250: I like the starting image (though I don't know why she's spying on a snake, or why standing tall keeps her safe), but then you take me directly into a bunch of backstory - a lot of information, and I'm not grounded yet, so I can't process it all. Let me get to know your main character first. Show me what she's doing with the snake. Have her interact with it and/or her best friend (is he there now?) Hint at the witch thing, to hook us - either by showing her surreptitiously using magic, or whatever...draw us into this world, and show us how it works. then you can work in the backstory, and all of her inner dialogue about what she should do about all these things, because then we know her, her situation, and her world, and so it will make more sense to us.
Thank you for your entry!