Thursday, July 11, 2013

My dentist is a mad scientist!

So, next time you are at the dentist, close your eyes and just listen for a little while. Pretend you don't know where you are.  By the sounds, where do you think you'd be?

I was in the chair earlier this week and I'm convinced now. My dentist is a mad scientist!

She has all these bizarre devices that you can't figure out the use of just by looking.  I mean, I know that the long tubey thing is a suction device and that the weirdly shaped box on a robotic looking arm is the camera for the x-rays.  But, these devices wouldn't look out of place in Victor Frankenstein's lab or Emmett "Doc" Brown's workshop. 

Some of her tools look like devices of torture.  Who doesn't feel something curl up and hide inside when they see the tray of gleaming silver implements? Who doesn't flash on Marathon Man and start to wonder if your dentist might secretly be a Nazi? (Just me? Sorry.)

Then there's her lingo. She tells me what she's going to do, but half the words sound made up or out of context. 

Prophylaxis (so this is safe dentistry?).
Composite (isn't that what my deck is made of?).
Bitewing (is that an incarnation of Robin after he left Batman?).
Calculus (my teeth are better at math than me?).
Scaling (no one said there would be mountain climbing).
Eruption (my six year old has a volcano in her mouth?).
Extraction (we're sending in the CIA?).
Veneer (wasn't he an artist or something?).
Implantation (wait, which doctor am I visiting?).

The angles are straight out of mad science labs, too. Devices you can't quite focus on because they're so close to your face disappear into your mouth.  It sounds like she's operating a saw and mining for diamonds in there. Her hair, which looks normal when you're both standing up, fluffs up around her head in a bizarre wing like Rotwang from Metropolis.  Her eyes are distorted and huge as I look back through her bifocals. The entire bottom of her face is obfuscated by a mask that begs the question of what she is hiding under there.

With the push of a pedal she raises and lowers my seat with a strange hydraulic sound.  She shines bright lights in my eyes and asks me questions that I can't answer because there are strange things in my mouth. She has long scary looking needles and a decidedly Whovian gas mask.

Don't get me started on her laugh.

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