And away we go! Welcome to Son of a Pitch, Week 2. This week, I'll be hosting ten writers here on my site.
Participants are asked NOT to comment on other entrants' posts, only their own. Though, you may, of course, tweet, bribe, coax, share, cajole and otherwise pursue glory for your own pitch. I'll be leaving feedback in the comments, as will other participating writers: Ayden Morgen , Elsie Elmore , Leigh Statham , Mara Valderran, Stacey Nash , Elizabeth Roderick, and Yolanda Renée!
The top twenty will be selected and posted on Friday. Without further ado:
5.
Title: Always the Moon
Category and Genre: Adult Women's Fiction
Word Count: 74,000
Query:
Being seventeen again wasn’t the fortieth birthday present that triplet sisters Lily, April, and Sunday Brewer were expecting. That’s the thing about birthday wishes: You never know when they might come true.
ALWAYS THE MOON begins in 2011, when April is a brilliant neurologist with an incredible career, Sunday dropped out of high school as a teen mom to raise twin boys, and Lily is a recovering addict dealing with a grim cancer prognosis.
The women are swept back to 1988 after inadvertently using an enchanted match book to light their birthday candles. Confused and disoriented, April is sent to a mental ward, her future success in jeopardy. Sunday is desperate to recreate the conception of her twin sons, despite her hatred for their father. Lily wants to grab this second chance with both hands, but her sisters’ suffering is not part of the plan. Secrets and deceptions drive a wedge between the sisters when they need each other the most.
A mysterious woman with an interest in magic figures out their secret and wants a do-over of her own; she will do anything to get it, even kill a seventeen year old girl. The triplets need to stand together, or they could lose everything that they love.
First 250 Words:
Prologue April 20, 1988
Great. Perfect. Nothing like a little murder to top off an already shitty day. She was still so angry that she wanted to just kick the body.
What am I going to do? Everyone who could help me is as helpless as this dead bitch on the stairs.
The last four days replayed in her mind at top speed. Could she have done better? If she had been more empathetic, less selfish, less anxious to get on with her life…could she have stopped all of this from happening? Was it middle child syndrome, the desperate craving for attention, for the spotlight, for that moment of “all about me?” Was she so desperate to live that she was willing to sacrifice everyone else?
This is not who I am anymore. It isn’t even who I was then—I mean, now. Damn it, I don’t know what I mean. I just know that I wasn’t prepared for these consequences. My mother, my sisters, my friends… even this psycho.
The psycho in question moaned. Okay, so she isn’t dead. Was this a blessing, or did it make it even worse? Flames sparked up around the body, and she knew she had to act, right now. She couldn’t stay, she had to get back and make things right… but she couldn’t just leave her to burn, even if she deserved it.
God, things were so much easier when I was older.
Query: You have a very interesting premise. It sounds both whimsical and serious.
ReplyDeleteSuggestions: "That’s the thing about birthday wishes: You never know when they might come true." is a nice strong line. I'd move to the beginning of that first paragraph, or at least some version of it.
While I worked my way through the first paragraph and it is clear, the wording is not smooth. It may be because you're working with so many numbers: 17, 40, and triplet. One of the dangers in trying to write so compactly is losing the flow. I recommend putting the focus on the birthday wish in that first paragraph, then mentioning the 40 and 17 ages in later parts.
In the second paragraph, when you tell us all their age 40 status details, could be the place to mention their age. The same with 1988 and their back-in-time age.
It flows better from there. You've got a nice strong ending line making the stakes of the story clear.
First 250 Words: Very attention-getting first paragraph. My curiosity was piqued. You started to lose me a little in the paragraph that begins, "The last four days . . ." It feels too soon to draw back from the moment we were in for deep personal analysis.
Also, can you work in the character's name? I'm not sure which sister I'm seeing.
Query: Excellent! I was hooked, and then wondering where I could find a similar matchbook.
ReplyDelete250 words: A murder, well almost, I loved it!
Great job!
I really enjoyed this entry. I love the concept and your query. I want to read more!
ReplyDeleteAs far as your first 250 words... I really enjoyed this as well. Make sure you don't switch tenses unnecessarily as you go, and try to eliminate as many usages of the word 'it' as possible.
Best of luck!
What a fun premise! I think the tid bit at the top serves as a good intro but I’d save the big hook questions for the end.
ReplyDeleteBeing seventeen again wasn’t the fortieth birthday present that triplet sisters Lily, April, and Sunday Brewer were expecting. But an enchanted matched used for their candles makes 2011 becomes 1998. (Here you could add a line of what they were leaving behind/who they were)
(I’d merge this information into the previous paragraph… April is a brilliant neurologist with an incredible career, Sunday dropped out of high school as a teen mom to raise twin boys, and Lily is a recovering addict dealing with a grim cancer prognosis. )
Confused and disoriented, each girl attempts to change/looks to fndi semblances of her past…something? (now, are they only confused or do they know what’s happening? Do they keep their memories to know their paths?) April is sent to a mental ward, her future success in jeopardy. Sunday is desperate to recreate the conception of her twin sons, despite her hatred for their father. Lily wants to grab this second chance with both hands, but her sisters’ suffering is not part of the plan. Secrets and deceptions drive a wedge between the sisters when they need each other the most.
Watching the girls, a mysterious woman with an interest in magic figures out their secret and wants a do-over of her own; she will do anything to get it, even kill a seventeen-year-old girl. If the triplets can’t stand together, they could lose everything that they love.
First 250
LOVE the voice - golden!
only suggestion, The psycho in question moaned. Okay, so she isn’t dead. - should be wasn't
flipping tense is okay in internal thoughts but watch when you return to the scene -
double thumbs up!
best of luck!
In my original copy, that sentence is italicized... it is internal. I'll make sure that's correct when I submit. Thank you.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteFollowing is my rewritten query. Thank you all for your feedback. I didn't repaste the 250 because the comment box doesn't allow me to use italics.
ReplyDeleteQuery:
The crazy thing about birthday wishes: You never know when they might come true. Being teenagers again wasn’t the birthday present that triplets, Lily, April, and Sunday Brewer were expecting.
ALWAYS THE MOON begins in 2011, when April is a brilliant neurologist with an incredible career, Sunday dropped out of high school as a teen mom to raise twin boys, and Lily is a recovering addict dealing with a grim cancer prognosis. The triplets find time in their busy lives to celebrate their 40th birthday together.
The women are swept back to 1988 when they inadvertently use an enchanted match book to light their birthday candles. They find themselves back in their seventeen-year-old bodies, with all of their memories of being older. Unable to grasp the illogical reality, April is sent to a mental ward, her magnificent future career in jeopardy. Sunday is devastated by the sudden loss of her family, and desperately tries to recreate the conception of her twin sons, despite her hatred for their father. Lily wants to grab this second chance with both hands, but her sisters’ suffering is difficult to bear. Secrets and deceptions drive a wedge between the sisters when they need each other the most.
Observing the triplets, a mysterious woman with an interest in magic figures out their secret and wants a do-over of her own; she will do anything to get it, even kill a seventeen year old girl. The triplets need to stand together, or they could lose everything that they love.
Much clearer! I especially like the way you reworked the first paragraph.
DeleteOooh, this query is A LOT better than the first round. I don't have anything bad to say about it. This is a really cool concept.
ReplyDelete250: I don't have anything to really nitpick here, either. Reads like a prologue, but the right kind of prologue. Only thing is the flames springing up around the body comes out of left field, and I might want more context about that.
Thank you for your entry!
THIS STORY HAS MY VOTE :-)
ReplyDelete