And away we go! Welcome to Son of a Pitch, Week 2. This week, I'll be hosting ten writers here on my site.
The top twenty will be selected and posted on Friday. Without further ado:
8.
Title: Bail Up
Age and Genre: Adult, Historical Mystery
Word Count: 70,000
Query:
In the 1860s, New South Wales had a bushranger problem. These bold knights of the road held up banks and bailed up travellers. They robbed gold escorts and raided homesteads. They were immortalised in song, story and painting. Except for Dan. He so badly wants to be notorious and have songs sung about him, but robbing gold escorts is a bit beyond him. He prefers to bail up travellers, on foot, who look like they won’t put up a fight. He has many cold nights and hungry days, but the police aren’t interested in him. No one wants the price that isn’t on his head. The only men chasing him are creditors.
Until a police sergeant is found stabbed to death, and the bloody footprints lead straight to Dan’s door. Now the police do want him: to hang for murder. His only chance of proving his innocence is to find the true killer. Armed with nothing but his wits– So he’s doomed. But maybe with the help of his new allies, Hannah, a young lady in search of adventure until her father’s money runs out, and Red, the world’s laziest stockhorse, he can avoid the police, find the killer and even earn a bit of notoriety along the way.
First 250 Words:
The sun threw long shadows onto the road, striping the dirt with the narrow trunks of the trees. Dan crouched, waiting, listening for the sounds of wheels and hooves pounding that dirt. The land about was quiet, as if the weight of morning dulled sounds. There, the warble of a magpie, and there, a cow calling to its friends, and when he listened carefully, the nearby creek splashing over rocks.
"I need to piss."
Dan looked at the man crouched beside him. "Right now?"
"Yeah, I’ve been waiting and waiting."
He knew how this worked. As soon as Harry moved out of position, the coach would appear. If he told him to wait, the coach wouldn’t come. Dan pulled out his watch. Ten past five. Still? Possibly he’d forgotten to wind it.
"Dan?"
"All right, but don’t leave your spot."
"But–"
"There’s no one to see you."
"What about you and Joe?"
"If we were in camp, you wouldn’t care."
"But we’re not, we’re on the road and mail coach is coming."
If it hadn’t already been. Dan pushed his hat back and scruffed his hair. Down the road a bit, Joe sat staring off towards the hills. He couldn’t even hear this conversation.
"I’ll close my eyes," Dan said. Maybe that satisfied Harry, because he didn’t argue and there was a rustling as he moved about.
"Dan!" came Joe’s cry. His eyes opened. There at the end of the road, where it came out of the hills, was a cloud of dust moving towards them.
Query: Start with the character. Starting with the historical setting makes me expect a nonfiction book instead of a story.
ReplyDelete“Dan was no bushranger to be immortalised in song, story, and painting. He might dream of the notoriety those bold knights of the road earned in 1860s New South Wales, but robbing gold escorts is a bit beyond him. He prefers to bail up travellers, on foot, who look like they won’t put up a fight. He has many cold nights and hungry days, but the police aren’t interested in him. No one wants the price that isn’t on his head. The only men chasing him are creditors.”
The rest works much better for me. It sounds like fun and maybe even one of those underdog unexpected hero stories. I love those.
First 250 Words: Nice! I really got the feeling of Dan as an “I just can’t win” character. I love that he was right about when the coach would arrive.
Query: You need to make Dan the center of your introduction. I love the premise but he needs shine and the dilemma he's in. The murder.
ReplyDeleteMaybe something like this?
Dan wants so badly to be notorious and be immortalized in song, story, and painting, but he never saw murder or a rope around his neck as part of that legacy. (Okay, so I did it on the fly - You can obviously do it better) Please do!
The first paragraph would make a great second paragraph. Well most of it.
Just a little switching around and tightening and you'll have it!
250 words: This worked for me. Great intro to your story.
Great job!
The opening of your query feel formal and rigid, which doesn’t match the tone of what follows. I’d try to loosen up and bring Dan into immediate focus. You have some really fabulous lines in your query. Shuffle them around a bit.
ReplyDeleteFor example:
Dan so badly wants to be notorious and have songs sung about him, but robbing gold escorts is a bit beyond him. The bushrangers in New South Wales were bold knights of the road who held up banks and bailed up travellers. Dan prefers to bail up only travellers on foot, who look like they won’t put up a fight.
First 250
This story sounds like a fun read and you've captured the moment and the mentality very well.
One item to consider:
"I’ll close my eyes," Dan said. (That must have? ) satisfied Harry, because he didn’t argue and there was a rustling as he moved about.
Otherwise, spot on!!
Best of luck!
Hello:
ReplyDeleteGood opening to query...not sure I know what "bail up" means...could be several things. Might want to clarify.
And tighten. New paragraph and then:
Except for Dan. He so badly wants to be notorious and have songs sung about him, but a certain laziness and love of an easy heist fail to inspire song lyrics (or something more punchy). In fact, his criminal behavior is so lackluster, not even the police are interested in him. The only men chasing him are creditors.
Until a police sergeant is found stabbed to death, and the bloody footprints lead straight to Dan’s door. Now the police do want him: to hang for murder. His only chance of proving his innocence is to find the true killer, but since he's armed with nothing but his wits, he may be doomed.
However, with the help of some new allies-including a young lady in search of adventure on her father's dime, and the world’s laziest stockhorse- perhaps he can avoid the police, find the killer and even earn a bit of notoriety along the way.
The 250 are awesome. Great writing, great imagery, great dark humor, great character development.
Thank you for your entry :)