And away we go! Welcome to Son of a Pitch, Week 2. This week, I'll be hosting ten writers here on my site.
The top twenty will be selected and posted on Friday. Without further ado:
Title: THE ALDAR DOMINION
Age and Genre: Adult Science Fiction
Word Count: 84,000
Query:
The Aldar Dominion saved the World.
Three hundred years ago when humanity needed it most, the alien corporation swept humans away from their mundane world, and gave them hope. But that hope came with a price in the form of clones, saving the human race from extinction by disease. With the technology to transport one’s consciousness from body to body, the Dominion has profited endlessly. But when Selene and the captain of her international smuggling crew go on a mission to save the animals experimented on by the Dominion, their subsequent chase through the city gets more attention than intended. When their pursuit knocks Selene’s head against the back of their hovercraft, the trauma brings back a past long forgotten, one that might hold the key to the sudden disappearance of natural-born humans.
When images of stark labs, human experiments and torture come back to Selene, she wonders if these dreams could be a nightmare from the twenty years she’s lost. But when every mission starts to go wrong, and humans start dropping like flies, Selene suspects someone on the inside might be selling information on her crew’s exploits. If the Dominion is really the enemy, and no one can be trusted, then who can she turn to? With the Dominion on her trail, and the mysteries that inform her dreams mounting, Selene may not live long enough to find out.
First 250 Words:
Dangling from the open hovercraft door, Selene wondered if the lab security had any idea what was about to happen. It was late, well past midnight. They had spent the last few days staking out the low security facility on the very edge of the city. It was a fairly large building, with small security bots sweeping the yard. All was quiet, aside from the low thrum of the hover propellers.
“Stick to the plan.” Selene took stock of the dark roof one last time before she stepped back inside, meeting her partner’s all to knowing gaze. At the front of the cockpit sat the captain of their small smuggling operative.
Rikkard Gunnar was a handsome man, with messy dark hair, tan skin and striking cold blue eyes. She’d been part of his team for three years, and still she found it hard to break through his cool demeanour.
“Don’t I always?” Selene couldn’t help but grin.
Rikkard rolled his eyes and turned back to the control panel before him. He clicked around the ship’s navigation system until the hovercraft began to lower. They were at least fifty feet up from the building, a black smudge in the otherwise starry night sky. He’d have to hide their ship while she was inside or risk being seen by lab security.
“Twenty minutes should do it,” she said, turning from her captain and back to the open door. The wind whipped at her black and green wig.
Query: There may be too much of a slow build in this query. In the story, there's time to lead us to the point, but in the query, you need to direct us to the heart of the matter immediately. It seems like the crux, in this case, is the danger Selene is in now and the implications of that. I recommend shortening the first, more background-y paragraph and getting to that part sooner.
ReplyDelete250 Words: Overall, I found this an effective scene and would be interested in reading more.
It had a couple of small flaws you can fix easily. The first line of dialogue seems to be from Selene, since it is quoted and then we hear about what she is doing. A little further in, it becomes evident that Rikkard must have spoken the words because she responds to them. You could rearrange the description of the room and the description of Rikkard and make that much clearer.
Proofreading: all TOO knowing.
Query: Selene is the protagonist and needs to be your lead. But I love the premise and definitely want to read more. So my advice tighten using Selene. That last sentence is your grabber. Just a little reworking.
ReplyDelete250 words: Ditto Samantha's advice.
Great job. A story I want to read!
So, This is a cool concept.
ReplyDeleteAs I read your query, I noticed gaps that need to be filled for smoother transitions. I tinkered around with it. Use this as a springboard and consider the questions I added below.
The Aldar Dominion saved the World.
Three hundred years ago when humanity needed it most, the alien corporation swept humans away from their mundane world, and gave them hope. But hope came with a price. (I love this part and want it to be a stand alone.) Clones saved the human race from extinction by disease. The technology to transport one’s consciousness from body to body has profited the Dominion. Need a cash is king type of statement here about how the value of real human life plummets as the source is renewable or something like that or people forgot how to value life… and next sentence here needs to talk about how filling the coffers has not been without sacrifice.. or there’s a secret side to the Aldar’s work or the voiceless victims to set up next part.)
Infuriated by the Dominions’s merciless experimentation on animals, Selene and the captain of her international smuggling crew go on a mission. So does their plan go awry? Why are they being chased – add snippet here… chase through the city gets more attention than intended. When Selene knocks her head against the back of their hovercraft, the trauma brings back a past long forgotten that holds the key to the sudden disappearance of natural-born humans.
Images of stark labs, human experiments and torture pour in/begin and Selene wonders if these dreams could be a nightmare from the twenty years she’s lost. But when every mission (are these missions to still save the animals?) starts to go wrong, and humans start dropping like flies, Selene suspects someone on the inside might be selling information on her crew’s exploits. If the Dominion is really the enemy, no one can be trusted. As Selene’s dreams reveal travesties that can’t be ignored and the Dominion on her trail, finding someone to trust may be the least of her worries… or something like that.
Identify the stakes and put them right there ☺
First 250
Again, cool concept and cool start. I tinkered a bit to tighten and actually moved a few lines around for flow.
Dangling from the open hovercraft door, Selene wondered if the lab security had any idea what was about to happen. (Good opening) It was late, well past midnight. They had spent the last few days staking out the low security facility on the (very - del) edge of the city. Small security bots swept the yard around the large building. All was quiet, aside from the low thrum of the hover propellers.
“Stick to the plan.” Rikkard whispered/snapped/said.
She’d been part of Rikkard Gunnar’s team for three years, and still she found it hard to break through his cool demeanor. Rikkard was a handsome man, with messy dark hair, tan skin and striking cold blue eyes. (His good looks and striking cold blue eyes also posed issues for her?)
Selene took stock of the dark roof one last time before she stepped back inside, meeting her partner’s all too knowing gaze. (At the front of the cockpit sat the captain of their small smuggling operative. Is Rikkard the captain?)
“Don’t I always?” Selene couldn’t help but grin.
Rikkard rolled his eyes and turned back to the control panel. He clicked around the ship’s navigation system until the hovercraft began to lower. They were ( at least - del) fifty feet up from the building, a black smudge in the otherwise starry night sky. (I like this description!) He’d have to hide their ship while she was inside or risk being seen by lab security.
“Twenty minutes should do it,” she said, turning from her captain and back to the open door. The wind whipped at her black and green wig.
best of luck!
I love this concept. It has great potential. Your query could be a little tighter. Your goal here isn't to give us as much detail as possible, but to give us the highlights and get us hooked so we need more.
ReplyDeleteI loved the scene. Just make sure you proofread carefully, and avoid repetitive phrasing as often as possible.
Best of luck!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, thank you all SO MUCH for this advice! I have never received more helpful feedback then this, and I am truly grateful!
ReplyDeleteI've done some work on the query and 250, so I have pasted them below!
QUERY:
The Aldar Dominion saved the World.
Three hundred years ago when humanity needed it most, the alien corporation swept humans away from their mundane world, and gave them hope. But that hope came with a price.
Clones saved the human race from extinction by disease. With the technology to transport one's consciousness from body to body, the Dominion has profited endlessly. The value of real human life plummets further and further with this renewable source.
Infuriated by the Dominion’s merciless experimentation on animals, Selene and the captain of her international smuggling crew go on a mission to rescue these creatures, only to be found out at the last possible moment. Their subsequent chase through the city gets more attention than intended. When Selene knocks her head against the back of their hovercraft, the trauma brings back a past that might hold the key to the sudden disappearance of natural-born humans.
When images of stark labs, human experiments and torture pour in, Selene wonders if these dreams could be a nightmare from the twenty years she's lost. But when every rescue mission starts to go wrong, and humans start dropping like flies, Selene suspects someone on the inside might be selling information on her crew's exploits. If the Dominion is really the enemy, no one can be trusted. As Selene’s dreams reveal travesties that can’t be ignored, the Dominion is closing in and finding someone to trust may be the least of her worries.
250:
Dangling from the open hovercraft door, Selene wondered if the lab security had any idea what was about to happen. It was late, well past midnight. They had spent the last few days staking out the low security facility on the edge of the city. It was a fairly large building, with small security bots sweeping the yard. All was quiet, aside from the low thrum of the hover propellers.
"Stick to the plan," Rikkard snapped.
At the front of the cockpit sat the captain of their small smuggling operative. Selene had been part of Rikkard Gunnar’s team for three years, and still she found it hard to break through his cool demeanor. Rikkard was a handsome man, with messy dark hair, tan skin and striking cold blue eyes.
Taking stock of the dark roof one last time, Selene turned inward, meeting her partner's all too knowing gaze.
"Don't I always?" Selene couldn't help but grin.
Rikkard rolled his eyes and turned back to the control panel at the head of the hovercraft. He clicked through the ship's navigation system until the craft began to lower. Fifty feet up from the lab, they were a black smudge in an otherwise starry night sky. He'd have to hide their ship while she was inside or risk being seen by security.
"Twenty minutes should do it," she said, turning from her captain and back to the open door. The wind whipped at her black and green wig.
Again, thank you everyone!
Cool concept! In the query, the tagline doesn't hook enough. Maybe: "...saved the world, but was it at too high a price?"
ReplyDelete"swept them away from their mundane world, and gave them hope." I'm confused on what this means. Did they go to a new planet? You might be able to remove it entirely and re-work the following sentences. You could also tighten a bit to make your query more punchy, but you've done a pretty good job introducing me to your world and the stakes. You might want to drop a couple specifics about your MC to develop her more in the query, but it's a pretty fascinating query.
"Stick to the plan." Tell us who is talking, and try to put less stuff in between that and her response. Re-work it.
"hide the ship..." be more specific if you can. Behind a building? Cloaking device?
Otherwise, great 250. Good world building and character development.
Thank you for your entry!
THIS STORY HAS MY VOTE!
ReplyDeleteTHIS STORY HAS MY VOTE!
ReplyDeleteTHIS STORY HAS MY VOTE :-)
ReplyDeleteTHIS STORY HAS MY VOTE!
ReplyDelete