We're Team Hera! Because here on Balancing Act, we're both bad-ass and warm and nurturing, and we'll fight to bring out the best in our crew, um, team. :-)
You can check out other teams on the other hosting blogs: Elsie Elmore (Team Droids), Elizabeth Roderick (Team Leia), Kathleen Ann Palm (Team Darkside), Rena Rocford (Team Rebels), and of course, our organizer and Grand Poobah, Katie Hamstead Teller.
_________________________________________________
Category and Genre: Adult/Historical Fiction
Word Count: 90,000
Query:
An orphaned Dutch girl, a warlord about to lose his lands and a bold adventurer are brought together in the twilight era of the samurai.
Why must this happen to me, as brutal hands born to untie sashes slid the kimono from my pale shoulders. I was so obviously made for other things.
For a chance to win her freedom, Miyako must embrace the samurai way and change everything about herself. Sailing into the land of snow and pine, the sole-survivor of a doomed ship, she could never envision the future as a warlord's concubine. This man will hold her captive. This man she will loathe like no other. Luckily, Dutch mettle comes in handy when she realizes she has been handed a unique situation. There’s plenty of scheming and intrigue to go around as the other women will do anything to stand in her way.
But a man is a samurai first, the blade is his lover. One magical winter, a bold adventurer arrives on a Russian ship offering Miyako more than a warlord’s empty promises. She’s a woman who has struggled so long against prejudice to find her purpose. She’s fought against enemy concubines but Miyako finds her greatest challenge yet-hiding forbidden love in a land where dishonor is a breath away.
Suspicions are aroused but a surprise from the shogun will force more secrets to go public. When the warlord takes the Russian ship hostage, grabbing her greatest happiness or the freedom she craves collides because no concubine should look at another man, unless she wants to be hung high from a turret at dawn.
First 250 Words:
It’s not that I could forget about the killing.
If I stopped for a second, I’d remember.
The ripe dirt shoved deep under broken nails.
Bruised knees perched at the edges of an open grave.
He hadn’t slept in weeks-now he’d sleep forever.
The sound of the blade popped in my ears, the weapon tore flesh, shattered bone. My hand opened, and the shiny hilt slid from my fingers. He was still staring into my eyes when he dropped and slumped on his side. I shrieked into my hand, the dagger buried within his chest. And all that blood, shimmering crimson under the shadow of the moon.
I had to pull the blade out.
“Go away. Don’t,” he murmured, red gurgling down his lips.
I trembled, hard.
His hand sought the hilt and drew the steel from mortified flesh; a sucking whir spit back squishy ooze.
He looked so deeply into my eyes that a flash of that old feeling stirred.
“Oh, my God.” I wept, clutching my stomach next to his lifeless body.
The black shadow of that castle all that had been my heaven and my hell loomed large. My life as a warlord’s concubine shouldn’t have happened. Courtesans rise by select methods, not by accident. I left on a ship that sank off the coast of a far-flung island. The beauty and glamor of a concubine is celebrated, their praises sung. I was exotic and homely to them. And I didn’t look well in kimono.
The query: That’s an interesting cast and setting in the opening sentence, though it does phrase a little dangerously like a “walk into a bar” joke. I wonder if you can also work in a more interesting verb than “are brought together”? Something that leads us into the next paragraph with a little more connectivity.
ReplyDeleteI was thrown by the second sentence which seems to be a quote directly from a character. Especially when we immediately bounced back out of that and into third person again. I recommend skipping the quote since you don’t seem to use it in the rest. It’s just startling and confusing.
As I moved into the third paragraph “For a chance to win her freedom” I wasn’t sure which of the opening triad Miyako was. Miyako doesn’t sound like a Dutch name, and I’m just sexist enough to assume the warlord is a man, so I thought maybe she was the adventurer. A little further in, she’s clearly the Dutch girl. I got a little lost in her paragraph and wonder if it might be better to simplify the language a bit. There are several gambits tossed out here: reinventing oneself, overcoming tragic history, sexual exploitation, court intrigue. I’m not sure where the center of her part of the story is.
The transition into the fourth paragraph was awkward, though the line is good: “the blade is his lover.” The “but” doesn’t have anything to contrast with so it’s just hanging there.. “One magical winter” transitions better from the previous paragraph. Then most of the paragraph is not about the man at all, but about Miyako, which is not what the opening led me to expect.
The last sentence is quite grammatically convoluted and difficult to parse. After a beginning like “When the warlord takes the Russian ship hostage” I’m expecting a subject noun like “Miyako” or “the young lovers” but instead the follow-up is another phrase without a subject. That sentence definitely needs some cleaning up.
All in all, a sense of drama comes across, but I’m confused as to what the actual core of the story is after reading this query.
First 250 words: Intriguing opening lines. I’m with you until “He hadn’t slept in weeks.” That’s the first thing that bumps out of first person to tell me about someone else, but it’s vague. I don’t know who he is, and since I already didn’t know who “I” is, that’s a lot of not-knowing.
I’m intrigued by the situation, her having stabbed this man and feeling she has to remove the blade. Her grief and shock.
With that visceral here-and-now moment as an opening, the pull back into the general situation “how I became a warlord’s concubine” felt very sudden, like being jerked back by the collar. If I were reading this is a slush pile, I’d give it a bit further to see where you’re going with it, but I’m wondering about the flow of your storytelling at this points.
Thanks for participating in our query contest. I hope you find the feedback helpful! -SB
An orphaned Dutch girl, a warlord about to lose his lands and a bold adventurer are brought together in the twilight era of the samurai. (Interesting!)
ReplyDeleteWhy must this happen to me, as brutal hands born to untie sashes slid the kimono from my pale shoulders. I was so obviously made for other things. (I'm lost as to what this is...doesn't fit to me.)
For a chance to win her freedom, Miyako must embrace the samurai way and change everything about herself. (Is Miyako the Dutch girl? Is this a name she acquired later?) Sailing into the land of snow and pine, the sole-survivor of a doomed ship, she could never envision the future as a warlord's concubine. This man will hold her captive. This man she will loathe like no other. (Is she a concubine? Or is she trying not to be?) Luckily, Dutch mettle comes in handy when she realizes she has been handed a unique situation. There’s plenty of scheming and intrigue to go around as the other women will do anything to stand in her way. (Stand in her way of what?)
But a man is a samurai first, the blade is his lover. (What man? Why is there a "but" at the beginning of the sentence?) One magical winter, a bold adventurer arrives on a Russian ship offering Miyako more than a warlord’s empty promises.(what has the warlord promised her?) She’s a woman who has struggled so long against prejudice to find her purpose. (She found her purpose? What is it?) She’s fought against enemy concubines (The women that were mentioned before?) but Miyako finds her greatest challenge yet-hiding forbidden love in a land where dishonor is a breath away.
Suspicions are aroused but a surprise from the shogun will force more secrets to go public. (What secrets? Who is suspicious?) When the warlord takes the Russian ship hostage, grabbing her greatest happiness or the freedom she craves collides because no concubine should look at another man, unless she wants to be hung high from a turret at dawn. (I'm having trouble with the last sentence..."greatest happiness or the freedom she craves collides" My brain isn't getting it. What does Miyako want? To be free? To have a purpose that isn't what the warlord demands? Then she finds love, which goes against the warlord and risks her life, then the warlord finds out when he raids the ship? What is the choice she faces? To love the Russian and risk being discovered? To risk being more than a concubine?)
Good questions! I streamlined the query and added the answers. I also really liked your questions, to love the Russian and risk being discovered, and risk being more than a concubine, so I worked it in.
DeleteAn orphaned Dutch girl sails into Japan, the sole-survivor of a ship, and could never envision the future as a warlord's concubine. This man will hold her captive and force her to become his concubine when she comes of age. Luckily, Dutch mettle comes in handy when she realizes she has been handed a unique situation. She must embrace the samurai way, become Miyako and wait for the chance to win her freedom. There’s plenty of scheming and intrigue as the other women will do anything to stand in her way as top concubine, and the warlord is surprised at just how far he is willing to go to keep Miyako.
One magical winter, a bold adventurer arrives on a Russian ship offering Miyako more than a warlord’s empty promises of freedom. No woman should love a warlord because a man is a samurai first, the blade is his lover. Miyako finds her greatest challenge yet-to love the Russian and risk being discovered, to be more than just a concubine. The warlord takes the Russian ship hostage as part of his savage revenge against the lovers. Miyako has a choice between freedom she craves and love she needs because no concubine should look at another man, unless she wants to be hung from a turret at dawn.
It’s not that I could forget about the killing.
ReplyDeleteIf I stopped for a second, I’d remember.
The ripe dirt shoved deep under broken nails.
Bruised knees perched at the edges of an open grave.
He hadn’t slept in weeks-now he’d sleep forever.
(Not the "I" character at the grave? Though, I am intrigued!)
The sound of the blade popped in my ears (popped was an odd word for me), the weapon tore flesh, shattered bone. My hand opened, and the shiny hilt slid from my fingers. He was still staring into my eyes when he dropped and slumped on his side. I shrieked into my hand, the dagger buried within his chest. And all that blood, shimmering crimson under the shadow of the moon.
I had to pull the blade out.
“Go away. Don’t,” he murmured, red gurgling down his lips.
I trembled, hard.
His hand sought the hilt and drew the steel from mortified flesh; a sucking whir spit back squishy ooze.
He looked so deeply into my eyes that a flash of that old feeling stirred. (What old feeling? Who is he? Who is "I"?
“Oh, my God.” I wept, clutching my stomach next to his lifeless body. (I thought he was just looking deeply into "I"s eyes, but he's dead?)
The black shadow of that castle all that had been my heaven and my hell loomed large. My life as a warlord’s concubine shouldn’t have happened. Courtesans rise by select methods, not by accident. I left on a ship that sank off the coast of a far-flung island. (What ship? I left from where? What happened to the guy? Who was he?) The beauty and glamor of a concubine is celebrated, their praises sung. (Why are we talking about concubine's? Who just died?) I was exotic and homely to them. (Exotic? How? Where is I from?) And I didn’t look well in kimono. (what does that have to do with this? You had me in the beginning. The abrupt transition to talking of concubines threw me. I want to know this I person...and what happened to the he. Who was he? Why did she stab him? What does it have to do with being a concubine? Some very good description! I want to know about I's life...I am very interested in what has just happened!)
Hi Kathleen,
DeleteI think we just crossed posting your comments and my revisions, dang!
He hadn’t slept in weeks-now he’d sleep forever.
(Not the "I" character at the grave? Though, I am intrigued!) I scrapped that line as suggested by Samantha.
I think I could replace with "seared"? Agree pop might not be the best word.
Q:
He looked so deeply into my eyes that a flash of that old feeling stirred. (What old feeling? Who is he? Who is "I"?) I want to keep the intrigue, its hard in 250 words but I is the MC Miyako, I need to keep the mystery a bit about who this is, do I name him? This is really the framing of the story, and I wanted to keep intrigue as to and what and really why this happened. If I name him, and give him a title it will be obvious. Do the characters need to be named in first 250 words? How do I keep intrigue.
Would it be more appropriate to explain "He looked so deeply into my eyes that a flash of that old feeling stirred of when we were lovers?" (What old feeling? Who is he? Who is "I"?
I scrapped the last paragraph so hopefully not an issue and let the story flow.
Thanks very much! I see what you mean with the query, I tossed the first line and the scrap from the book...good idea. I also reworked to simplify it. The opening pages were telescoped, but I took your advice to let the story roll.
ReplyDeleteHere are my revisions:
Query:
An orphaned Dutch girl sails into Japan, the sole-survivor of a ship, and could never envision the future as a warlord's concubine. This man she will loathe like no other. Luckily, Dutch mettle comes in handy when she realizes she has been handed a unique situation. She must embrace the samurai way, become Miyako and wait for the chance to win her freedom. There’s plenty of scheming and intrigue as the other women will do anything to stand in her way, and the warlord is surprised at just how far he is willing to go to keep Miyako.
One magical winter, a bold adventurer arrives on a Russian ship offering Miyako more than a warlord’s empty promises. No woman should love a warlord because a man is a samurai first, the blade is his lover. Miyako finds her greatest challenge yet-hiding forbidden love in a land where dishonor is a breath away. The warlord takes the Russian ship hostage as part of his savage revenge against the lovers. Miyako has a choice between freedom she craves and love she needs because no concubine should look at another man, unless she wants to be hung from a turret at dawn.
First 250 Words:
It’s not that I could forget about the killing.
If I stopped for a second, I’d remember.
The ripe dirt shoved deep under broken nails.
Bruised knees perched at the edges of an open grave.
The sound of the blade popped in my ears, the weapon tore flesh, shattered bone. My hand opened, and the shiny hilt slid from my fingers.
He was still staring into my eyes when he dropped and slumped on his side.
I shrieked into my hand, the dagger buried within his chest. And all that blood, shimmering crimson under the shadow of the moon.
I had to pull the blade out.
“Go away. Don’t,” he murmured, red gurgling down his lips.
I trembled, hard.
His hand sought the hilt and drew the steel from mortified flesh; a sucking whir spit back squishy ooze.
He looked so deeply into my eyes that a flash of that old feeling stirred.
“Oh, my God.” I wept, clutching my stomach next to his lifeless body.
Panic drove my every step. The castle would hang me high by daylight for the murder of their lord. There was only one place to bring him until I could return. The agony of dragging him raced through me.
I wondered if I could.
I didn’t have a choice.
I turned and saw fresh streaks leading out from his body. I dropped to my knees to cover the stains with grass and sand. I tore and tore but the blood wouldn’t go away.
From the amazing Elsie Elmore...via me!
ReplyDeleteI think your query is coming together nicely and the changes you made from the first version have definitely made it stronger. I tinkered with the words. My musings may offer some help - or not :) Best of Luck.
Query:
An orphaned Dutch girl sails into Japan as the sole-survivor of a (wrecked/abandoned )ship. She is at the mercy of the warlord and never envisioned her future as his concubine or the depth of loathing she will soon know. Luckily, Dutch mettle comes in handy when she realizes she has been handed a unique situation. She must embrace the samurai way, lose her Dutch name to become Miyako and wait for the chance to win her freedom. As the warlord begins to favor the now grown Miyako, other women scheme to keep her away. But the warlord is surprised at just how far he is willing to go to keep his Miyako.
A bold adventurer arrives on a Russian ship one winter offering Miyako more than a warlord’s empty promises. She knows a samurai’s blade is his only true lover. And that any concubine looking at another man will be hung from a turret at dawn Trapped in a land where dishonor is a breath away, Miyako ties to conceal her love for the Russian. But the warlord takes the Russian ship hostage as part of his savage revenge against the lovers. Miyako must choose between freedom she craves and love she needs. (or die trying??)
First 250
Based on the premise of the query, I expect the story to begin with a young girl on a ship. As i started reading, I initially thought the person who'd plunged the sword was the young girl. With historical fiction, I realize often the "battle scene"can lead the story, and that's where I think we are. The scene is well written and for me the details work - Is there a heading for this scene - like a date? Adding a bit more detail to reveal her remorse//sympathy or some emotion (even though there is a level of loathing) as she deals with him or ways to know this is Miyako killing the warlord. Like here: The castle would hang me high by daylight for the murder of their lord. But i could not live a day longer with his control over my life. All I wanted was my freedom.
I like the way it played out and think the writing is solid!!
All suggestions/opinions/thoughts are humbly offered. Thanks for sharing your words!!
Elsie, many thanks. Spot on...I am incorporating the changes now.
DeleteFINAL VERSION
ReplyDeleteTitle: A Tulip In Winter
Category and Genre: Adult and Historical Fiction
Word Count: 90,000
Query:
A Dutch girl sails into Japan as the sole-survivor of a wrecked ship. She is at the mercy of the warlord and never envisions her future as his concubine. Luckily, Dutch mettle comes in handy when she realizes she has been handed a unique situation. She must embrace the samurai way, lose her name to become Miyako and wait for the chance to win her freedom. As the warlord begins to favor Miyako, other women scheme to stop her star from rising. But the warlord is surprised at just how far he is willing to go to keep her within the castle walls.
One magical winter, a bold adventurer arrives on a Russian ship offering Miyako an awakening, a chance to be more than just a concubine. She knows a samurai’s blade is his lover, that a warlord’s promises are empty. Trapped in a land where dishonor is a breath away, Miyako tries to conceal her love for the Russian. But the warlord takes the Russian ship hostage as part of his savage revenge against the lovers. Miyako must choose between risking freedom and love she craves because any concubine caught looking at another will be hung at dawn.
First 250 Words:
Ezo, Crow Castle, 1793
It’s not that I could forget about the killing.
As his concubine, I was the closest to him. If they caught me, they would hang me, I couldn’t let that happen.
If I stopped for a second, I’d remember.
The ripe dirt shoved deep under broken nails.
Bruised knees perched at the edges of an open grave.
The sound of the blade seared, the weapon tore flesh, shattered bone. He was still staring into my eyes when he dropped and slumped on his side. I shrieked into my hand, the dagger buried within his chest. And all that blood, shimmering crimson under the shadow of the moon.
I had to pull the blade out.
“Go away. Don’t,” he murmured, red gurgling down his lips. He looked so deeply into my eyes that a flash of that old feeling stirred.
I trembled, hard. His hand drew the steel from mortified flesh; a sucking whir spit back squishy ooze.
He was my jailor.
He was the first man to lay hands on me and show me that I was beautiful.
“Oh, my God.” I wept, clutching my stomach next to his lifeless body.
Panic drove my every step. There was only one place to bring him until I could return. The agony of dragging him raced through me.
I wondered if I could.
I turned and saw fresh streaks leading out from his body. I dropped to my knees and tore and tore but the blood wouldn’t go.
A Dutch girl sails into Japan as the sole survivor of a wrecked ship. (Good first sentence, sets the scene well. I might substitute ‘arrives’ instead of ‘sails’, as I wondered if she was sailing in on a ship that was slowly sinking under her feet.) She is at the mercy of the warlord (wait, what?) and never envisions her future as his concubine (wait, what?? What’s going on here?). Luckily, Dutch mettle comes in handy when she realizes she has been handed a unique situation. She must embrace the samurai way, lose her name to become Miyako and wait for the chance to win her freedom. As the warlord begins to favor Miyako, other women scheme to stop her star from rising. But the warlord is surprised at just how far he is willing to go to keep her within the castle walls.(I like the first sentence. The second sentence is baffling. The rest of the paragraph is good. I like the delineation of conflict.)
ReplyDeleteOne magical winter, a bold adventurer arrives on a Russian ship offering Miyako an awakening, a chance to be more than just a concubine. She knows a samurai’s blade is his lover, that a warlord’s promises are empty (What?). Trapped in a land where dishonor is a breath away, Miyako tries to conceal her love for the Russian. But the warlord takes the Russian ship hostage as part of his savage revenge against the lovers. Miyako must choose between risking freedom and love she craves because any concubine caught looking at another will be hung at dawn. (The last sentence of the first paragraph is stronger than the last sentence of the second paragraph.)
I read the above critiques, and I realize you’re trying to make this streamlined, which is great. I’m just lost. I need a little more explanation of what happens between her arrival in Japan and the arrival of the Russian. Maybe something like ‘She ends up at the mercy of the warlord, and is forced to become a concubine.’ In the second paragraph, the second sentence feels like you’re shooting for artsy. Voice is great, but flowery language for the purpose of decoration isn’t really a query thing. In the 250 words, you have great voice and imagery. The grammar of the first two sentences puzzles me a little, and I’d kill this sentence altogether: ‘His hand drew the steel from mortified flesh; a sucking whir spit back squishy ooze.’
Many thanks! I was just about to turn in...this is very helpful. I hope this makes all clearer.
DeleteSon of a Pitch MOST FINAL REVISION 2/23/17
ReplyDeleteTitle: A Tulip In Winter
Category and Genre: Adult and Historical Fiction
Word Count: 90,000
Query
A Dutch girl awakes alone on a ship at sea after a storm as it sails into Japan. She is taken captive by a samurai clan and is at the mercy of their ruthless warlord. She has no idea that he will one day force her to become his concubine. But Miyako is cunning, she realizes she has been handed a unique situation. She must embrace the samurai way, lose her name to become Miyako and wait for the chance to win her freedom. As the warlord begins to favor Miyako, other women scheme to stop her star from rising. The warlord is surprised too at just how far he is willing to go to keep her within the castle walls.
One magical winter, a bold adventurer arrives on a Russian ship offering Miyako an awakening, a chance to be more than just a concubine. As they grow closer, suspicions are aroused and the warlord begins to turn his eyes to them. Trapped in a land where dishonor is a breath away, Miyako tries to conceal her love for the Russian. But the warlord takes the Russian ship hostage as part of his savage revenge against the lovers. Miyako knows it is forbidden for a concubine to look at another man but she is willing to risk the freedom she needs and the love she craves even if it means hanging from a turret.
First 250 Words
Ezo, Crow Castle, 1793
It’s not that I could forget about the killing.
I was the closest to him as his greatest concubine.
If they caught me, they would hang me, I couldn’t let that happen.
If I stopped for a second, I’d remember.
The ripe dirt shoved deep under broken nails.
Bruised knees perched at the edges of an open grave.
The sound of the blade seared, the weapon tore flesh, shattered bone. He was still staring into my eyes when he dropped and slumped on his side.
I shrieked into my hand, the dagger buried within his chest.
And all that blood, shimmering crimson under the shadow of the moon.
I had to pull the blade out.
“Go away. Don’t,” he murmured, red gurgling down his lips.
He looked so deeply into my eyes that a flash of that old feeling stirred.
I trembled, hard. His hand drew the steel from his own mortified flesh.
He was my jailor.
He was the first man to lay hands on me and show me that I was beautiful.
“Oh, my God.” I wept, clutching my stomach next to his lifeless body.
Panic drove my every step. There was only one place to bring him until I could return. The agony of dragging him raced through me.
I wondered if I could.
I turned and saw fresh streaks leading out from his body. I dropped to my knees and tore and tore but the blood wouldn’t go.
Wow! I really like how your changes really brought forward the conflict and streamlined the story so we can really know what's going on. I also like the addition of which castle and the year. I was sad to get to the end of the words, which is a real compliment because I don't usually like historical fiction. Great job!
ReplyDeleteMany thanks...more than you know.
DeleteQuery:
ReplyDeleteA Dutch girl awakes alone on a ship at sea after a storm as it sails into Japan. She is taken captive by a samurai clan and is at the mercy of their ruthless warlord. She has no idea that he will one day force her to become his concubine. But Miyako is cunning, she realizes she has been handed a unique situation [Unique seems like a strange way to put it. Unfortunate is how I see it]. She must embrace the samurai way, lose her name to become Miyako and wait for the chance to win her freedom [this sentence is confusing. Her biggest concern is a name change?] As the warlord begins to favor Miyako, other women scheme to stop her star from rising. The warlord is surprised too at just how far he is willing to go to keep her within the castle walls [Maybe tell us some of the things he does here.]
One magical winter, a bold adventurer arrives on a Russian ship offering Miyako an awakening [awakening may be poor word choice], a chance to be more than just a concubine. As they grow closer, suspicions are aroused and the warlord begins to turn his eyes to them. Trapped in a land where dishonor is a breath away, Miyako tries to conceal her love for the Russian. But the warlord takes the Russian ship hostage as part of his savage revenge against the lovers. Miyako knows it is forbidden for a concubine to look at another man but she is willing to risk the freedom she needs and the love she craves even if it means hanging from a turret [A metaphorical turret? What are the real stakes here?].
So I really like the premise of your story. I just didn't feel like your query covered all the basic things I expect a query to have. I would have liked to get a better understanding of the plot, what the characters motivations are specifically for doing certain things and what is at stake.
For your first 250 words, I really like your style and being thrown into the middle of the action. I'm hooked!
Thanks very much I will take this into account and thanks for the kind words on my 250!
ReplyDelete