We're Team Hera! Because here on Balancing Act, we're both bad-ass and warm and nurturing, and we'll fight to bring out the best in our crew, um, team. :-)
You can check out other teams on the other hosting blogs: Elsie Elmore (Team Droids), Elizabeth Roderick (Team Leia), Kathleen Ann Palm (Team Darkside), Rena Rocford (Team Rebels), and of course, our organizer and Grand Poobah, Katie Hamstead Teller.
_________________________________________________
Category and Genre: Adult SCI-FI
Word Count: 89,000
Query:
LUNAR BASE LOST is set in an underground moon colony that lost contact with Earth after nuclear war broke out. Over fifty years have passed since Mission Control’s last transmission. Lunar Base Three hangs on by maintaining a strict society and limiting its population.
Isabela (Izzy) Rodriguez is assistant to Presider Barbara Graham. Barbara’s more relaxed policies have politically split the moon base and even her own family. Barb’s son, Matthew Graham, has become her most outspoken critic, and Barb has Izzy spy on Matthew’s activism. When Matthew and his wife become pregnant, their unborn child exceeds the population that the colony can sustain. Because the young have priority over the old, Barbara, as the oldest colonist, must be euthanized.
Barbara suspects the pregnancy is politically motivated to force her out of office. She urges Izzy to run against Matthew during the special election. As the baby’s birth looms, Izzy and Matthew campaign for the colony’s votes. The baby arrives healthy and sound, so Barbara dies. When Matthew exposes Izzy’s most private secret, the election spirals into violence and jeopardizes the survival of the moon base.
First 250 Words:
Each time the curtain fluttered, Izzy, and those that needed to be here and those that didn’t need to be here but were here anyway, would jump. Once when the nurse came out, a quiet gasp echoed off the round metal walls. But the nurse silently picked up a stethoscope from her supply cart and went back behind that curtain.
One new life, one old death.
Izzy had dutifully done her job a few hours before and got the custodial staff to move several stacks of folding chairs to the bottom floor level of the Hospital Tower. Most members from the Assembly were sitting in them now, although Izzy couldn’t see her dad anywhere. Off duty specialists and novices from the Nuclear Plant were sitting or standing around the bottom floor too. Of course, they would be there to congratulate their boss if what happened happened.
She looked up at the curious heads on the ledges of each level that ringed the round, white metal Hospital Tower. Izzy recognized just about everybody except those on the top level, six levels above the open atrium on the bottom floor. The distance and the fluorescent lighting up there made most of them shadowy, although she did recognize Billy Smith looking down. Big for his age, Ten-year-old Billy had fractured his leg a couple day shifts before when he fell in the AgCenter. He shouldn’t be here now, but this was the Hospital Tower, so of course he should be here.
The Query: Having a strong opening line is vital, and I don’t think your opening sentence is there yet. “Is” is a weak verb and “set” pulls me a step back from the story into writer-speak instead of story engagement. Now the second sentence: that’s intriguing. I’d start there and work in anything you need from sentence one into the rest of the paragraph.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph introduced a lot of names in a short space, including nicknames and titles: I counted ten. That’s probably too many for a query. It makes it difficult to tell which character should be my focus. Since you mentioned Izzy first, I thought that would mean it’s her story, But Barbara gets the most description, so I think maybe it’s her. So, my advice is to center the second and third paragraph around the person that is the focal point of the story, and limit the information you provide about the others characters. You might even be able to leave out their names and just say things like “her assistant” and “her son.” All this detail matters in the book, but is too much information for a query.
The situation you lay out is fraught with awesome dramatic potential: political and familial intrigue. Izzy caught in the middle of it all, trying to choose sides (which makes me think it’s her story again . . .hurm).
First 250 words: My first advice is take all those other people out of the first sentence and focus on Izzy. She can look around at the other people and note their responses in future sentences, but having all of them there in sentence one is convoluted. For example: “Each time the curtain fluttered, Izzy would jump. She wasn’t the only one. All the hangers-on and onlookers were on edge, waiting.”
“Dutifully done her job” seems repetitive. Doing your job is kind of inherent in being dutiful. Suggest: “Izzy had dutifully arranged for the custodial staff to set up several stack of folding chairs . . .” Don’t get too stuck in naming everyone there and lose the emotional interest of the moment. If Izzy is our focus, what she thinks and feels about what she sees here is as important as what she sees.
Thanks for participating in our query contest. I hope you find the feedback helpful! -SB
LUNAR BASE LOST is set in an underground moon colony that lost contact with Earth after nuclear war broke out. Over fifty years have passed since Mission Control’s last transmission. Lunar Base Three hangs on by maintaining a strict society and limiting its population.
ReplyDelete(Certainly one way to set up the world, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's interesting, but I want to get to know the characters and how they fit in the world.)
Isabela (Izzy) Rodriguez is assistant to Presider Barbara Graham. Barbara’s more relaxed policies have politically split the moon base and even her own family. Barb’s son, Matthew Graham, has become her most outspoken critic, and Barb has Izzy spy on Matthew’s activism. When Matthew and his wife become pregnant, their unborn child exceeds the population that the colony can sustain. Because the young have priority over the old, Barbara, as the oldest colonist, must be euthanized.
(Because you mention Izzy first, I think the ms is in her POV, but I don't read her in the query. There's more about what the President wants and what Matt is up to than what Izzy is doing. If Izzy is the mc, then this para should set her up. Who is Izzy? What does she want? Then of course, the conflict is spying on Matt for Barbara and learning their secret.)
Barbara suspects the pregnancy is politically motivated to force her out of office. She urges Izzy to run against Matthew during the special election. As the baby’s birth looms, Izzy and Matthew campaign for the colony’s votes. The baby arrives healthy and sound, so Barbara dies. When Matthew exposes Izzy’s most private secret, the election spirals into violence and jeopardizes the survival of the moon base.
(Is the ms Izzy's POV? Is it multiple POV? You're telling me the story AND WOW IS IT INTERESTING! but I want the mc's voice showing me what is going on. What is Izzy's secret that will destroy everything? What is the choice Izzy makes at the end? What are the stakes for her? To run against Matt and risk him telling her secret which will possibly end everything?)
First 250 Words:
ReplyDeleteEach time the curtain fluttered, Izzy, and those that needed to be here and those that didn’t need to be here but were here anyway, would jump. Once when the nurse came out, a quiet gasp echoed off the round metal walls. But the nurse silently picked up a stethoscope from her supply cart and went back behind that curtain.
(When I first read curtain...I thought of a window...and had no idea why people would jump. Does the nurse come out a lot?Do we get a hint at what they're waiting for?)
One new life, one old death. (Intriguing!)
Izzy had dutifully done her job a few hours before and got the custodial staff to move several stacks of folding chairs to the bottom floor level of the Hospital Tower. Most members from the Assembly were sitting in them now, although Izzy couldn’t see her dad anywhere. Off duty specialists and novices from the Nuclear Plant were sitting or standing around the bottom floor too. Of course, they would be there to congratulate their boss if what happened happened.
(The chairs are on the bottom floor...what floor is she on? How can she see them? This if what happened happened...very mysterious.)
She looked up at the curious heads on the ledges of each level that ringed the round, white metal Hospital Tower. Izzy recognized just about everybody except those on the top level, six levels above the open atrium on the bottom floor. The distance and the fluorescent lighting up there made most of them shadowy, although she did recognize Billy Smith looking down. Big for his age, Ten-year-old Billy had fractured his leg a couple day shifts before when he fell in the AgCenter. He shouldn’t be here now, but this was the Hospital Tower, so of course he should be here.
(Okay...so the hospital is a round tower, with an open center. Like rooms line the outside and walkways line the inside of each level? "heads on ledges" threw me off...I seriously pictures severed heads sitting on shelves, so I was a bit lost for a sec. Why do we care about Billy Smith? The line... he shouldn't be here now, but this was the hospital tower, so of course he should be here...it's so strange, and I love it, linking to the earlier line about those who needed to be here and those that didn't and were anyway. Like this is how they think, these people on this world. Something interesting. I am dying to know what they are all waiting for. One new life. One old death...It did take me a while to picture the hospital and the people. My mind couldn't grasp the descriptions right away. Good work! This is very interesting.)
Terrific critiques, wow thank you both!!! I've revised the query and the first 250 words:
ReplyDeleteQuery:
Over fifty years have passed since Mission Control’s last transmission. Lunar Base Three hangs on by maintaining a strict society and limiting its population.
Izzy Rodriguez is assistant to Presider Barb Graham. Izzy strongly believes that Barb’s reforms are vital to the long-term survival of the moon base, but these policies have politically split the colony. Barb’s son, Matthew, has become an outspoken critic. Izzy keeps a close watch on his activism. When Matthew and his wife become pregnant, their unborn child exceeds the population the colony can sustain. Because the young have priority over the old, Barb, as the oldest colonist, must be euthanized.
Izzy suspects their pregnancy is politically motivated to force Barb out of office, so she decides to run against Matthew during the special election. She campaigns on a platform that expands Barb’s more relaxed policies, and the race grows tight.
As the baby’s birth looms, Izzy and Matthew campaign for the colony’s votes. The baby arrives, healthy, sound. Izzy and Barb, both closeted sexually, share a bed the night before Barb dies. When Matthew exposes Izzy’s illegal liaison, the election spirals into violence and threatens to destroy the moon base.
First 250 Words:
Each time the nurse pulled back the privacy curtain, Izzy would jump – as did those that needed to be here and those that didn’t need to be here but were here anyway. Once when the nurse came out, a quiet gasp echoed off the round metal walls. But the nurse silently picked up a stethoscope from her supply cart and ducked back behind that curtain.
One new life, one old death.
Stressed and nearly numb, Izzy somehow managed to do her job a few hours before, getting the custodial staff to move folding chairs to the bottom floor level of the Hospital Tower. Along with Izzy, most Assembly members were sitting on this floor now, although Izzy couldn’t see her dad anywhere. Off duty specialists and novices from the Nuclear Plant were sitting or standing around the bottom floor too. Of course, they would be there to congratulate their boss if what happened happened.
She looked up at the curious worried sneering faces gazing down from the ledges that ringed the round, white metal Hospital Tower. Izzy recognized just about everybody except those on the top level, six levels above the bottom floor atrium. The distance and the fluorescent lighting up there made most of them shadowy, but she did recognize Billy Smith looking down. Ten-year-old Billy had fractured his leg a couple day shifts before when he fell in the AgCenter. He shouldn’t be here now, but this was the Hospital Tower, so of course he should be here.
Query:
ReplyDeleteOver fifty years have passed since Mission Control’s last transmission. Lunar Base Three hangs on by maintaining a strict society and limiting its population. (really picky here – but I think these need swapping around for more impact – Luna Base Three hangs on by limiting its population and maintaining a strict society.
Izzy Rodriguez is (a close friend/a secret lover? – give us a little bit of a clue as to what hits us at the end! and ) assistant to Presider Barb (I think she’d be known by her full name, Barbara, – it just smacks more of authority than Barb) Graham. Izzy strongly believes that Barb’s reforms are vital to the long-term survival of the moon base, but these policies have politically split the colony. Barb’s son, Matthew, has become an outspoken critic. (maybe expand on this a bit saying that he wants the strict rules to remain – I struggled until later in the query to know whether his mother was the strict one or him) Izzy keeps a close watch on his activism.
When Matthew and his wife become pregnant, their unborn child exceeds the population the colony can sustain. Because the young have priority over the old, Barb, as the oldest colonist, must be euthanized. Izzy suspects their pregnancy is politically motivated to force Barb out of office, so she decides to run against Matthew during the special election.
When the baby is born, Izzy and Barb, both closeted sexually, share a bed together, savouring Barbara’s last night alive. And when Matthew exposes Izzy’s illegal liaison, the election spirals into violence and threatens to destroy the moon base.
(I’ve tweaked these last two paragraphs—hopefully they read tighter, and I’ve not lost any of the original points behind the query )
First 250 Words:
ReplyDeleteEach time the nurse pulled back the privacy curtain, Izzy would jump – as did those that needed to be here and those that didn’t need to be here but were here anyway. Once, when the nurse came out, a quiet gasp echoed off the round metal walls. But the nurse silently picked up a stethoscope from her supply cart and ducked back behind that curtain. (this is all very mysterious, but I’m wondering whether it’s a little too mysterious. I want to know more – not everything, but maybe a little more. Izzy has no placement in this first paragraph-is she sitting standing, waiting for something/someone. Why is she there? Did she need to be there, or is she one that doesn’t need to be there, but is?)
One new life, one old death. (love it and I think you should pick this up and run further with it by repeating it after the next paragraph)
Stressed and nearly numb, Izzy somehow managed to do her job a few hours before, getting the custodial staff to move folding chairs to the bottom floor level of the (round) Hospital Tower. Along with Izzy, most Assembly members were sitting on this floor now, although Izzy couldn’t see her dad anywhere. Off duty specialists and novices from the Nuclear Plant were sitting or standing around the bottom floor too. Of course, they would be there to congratulate their boss if what happened, happened. (I’d like move visuals as to this paragraph. Are walls whitewashed a clinical white, what smells are there lingering in the air, are people humming with quietness of chatting excitedly? If Izzy can’t see her dad I’m assuming there is quite a crowd – they’d create noise? Paint me the scene )
(One new life, one old death.)
She looked up at the curious worried sneering faces gazing down from the ledges that ringed the round, (can take round out here as used earlier if go with my suggestion) white metal Hospital Tower. Izzy recognized just about everybody except those on the top level (Jeepers – she must have good eyesight as I get the impression there are lots of people here! Also – if she couldn’t see her dad, is this sentence true?), six levels above the bottom floor atrium. (surely she’d only see people on the lower two/three levels, others would be too high, and lots of faces!) - The distance and the fluorescent lighting (up there – delete) made most of them shadowy, but she did recognize Billy Smith looking down. (How/why can she identify him but nobody else – any outstanding features/hair, bodily stance?) Ten-year-old Billy had fractured his leg a couple day shifts before when he fell in the AgCenter. (And a ten-year-old working shifts??? This is your world so just checking ) He shouldn’t be here now, but this was the Hospital Tower, so of course he should be here.
A great start – As always accept/ignore my comments as you wish. I think you need to concentrate on a little more world building in these first few paragraphs, and pay attention to the surroundings to really make it ping! But I really love the premise. The query excited me as soon as I read it, and I’m curious to read more
From the talented Elsie Elmore...via me!
ReplyDeleteQuery is off to a good start! I must say, as I read the query – I thought the first born, next killed was awesome – I may have even gasped aloud. To me, the last paragraph needs a bit more tinkering- but you’re well on your way. Best of luck
- Query:
Over fifty years have passed since Mission Control’s last transmission. Lunar Base Three hangs on by maintaining a strict society and limiting its population.
As assistant to Presider Barb Graham, Izzy Rodriguez strongly believes that Barb’s reforms are vital to the long-term survival of the moon base. But these policies have polarized the colony. Barb’s son, Matthew, has become an outspoken critic and Izzy must keep a close watch on his activism. When Matthew and his wife become pregnant, their unborn child exceeds the population the colony can sustain. Because the young have priority over the old, Barb, as the oldest colonist, must be euthanized. (wow – what a turn of events!! Wow, talk about tension. Love that)
Izzy, suspecting their pregnancy is politically motivated to force Barb out of office, decides to run against Matthew during the special election. Her campaign platform expands Barb’s more relaxed policies, and the race grows tight.
The baby arrives, healthy, sound and signals the scheduled death of the current presider? Izzy and Barb close relationship leads them to share a bed the night before Barb dies. When Matthew exposes Izzy’s illegal liaison, the election spirals into violence. Now what happens? Izzy must win to prevent destruction of the moon base? Need a killer line here to show what has to happen. What are the stakes?
First 250 Words:
Each time the nurse pulled back the privacy curtain, Izzy jumped – as did those that needed to be here and those that didn’t need to be here but were here anyway. (who decides this?) Once when the nurse came out, a quiet gasp echoed off the round metal walls. Why? Sounds like there is a lot of tension with people waiting – why? What are Izzy’s thoughts? Were they all suspecting the nurse to say or do something? But the nurse silently picked up a stethoscope from her supply cart and ducked back behind that curtain.
One new life, one old death.
Stressed and nearly numb, Izzy somehow managed to do her job a few hours before getting the custodial staff to move folding chairs to the bottom floor level of the Hospital Tower. Along with Izzy, most Assembly members were sitting on this floor now, although Izzy couldn’t see her dad anywhere. (her dad is there? Was there a specific place she should know to look for him?) Off duty specialists and novices from the Nuclear Plant were sitting or standing (sat or stood?) around the bottom floor too. Of course, they would be there to congratulate their boss if what happened happened. (Tinker with that wording?)
She looked up. Curious, worried, and sneering faces gazed down from the ledges that ringed the round, white metal Hospital Tower. Izzy recognized just about everybody except those on the top level, six levels above the bottom floor atrium. The distance and the fluorescent lighting up there made most of them shadowy, but she did recognize Billy Smith looking down. Ten-year-old Billy had fractured his leg a couple day shifts before when he fell in the AgCenter. He shouldn’t be here now (to witness this? Is that why he shouldn’t be here? Sounds like a lot of adults?), but this was the Hospital Tower, so of course he should be here.
The query definitely has my curiosity piqued about where this story is going so I was excited to read your first 250. I think your writing is good and I enjoyed the start. Had a few questions so I marked them as I read. Great start!
All suggestions/opinions/thoughts are humbly offered. Thanks for sharing your words.
I like the new query lots! Just the last para gets me a bit...
ReplyDeleteAs the baby’s birth looms, Izzy and Matthew campaign for the colony’s votes. The baby arrives, healthy, sound. Izzy and Barb, (both closeted sexually)<don't think we need this... and I want to know there's an attraction before...because this hit me out of left field), share a bed the night before Barb dies. When Matthew exposes Izzy’s illegal liaison, the election spirals into violence and threatens to destroy the moon base. (and I have no idea how an election spiraling out of control will destroy the base.)
New 250...
Each time the nurse pulled back the privacy curtain, Izzy would jump – as did those that needed to be here and those that didn’t need to be here but were here anyway. Once when the nurse came out, a quiet gasp echoed off the round metal walls. But the nurse silently picked up a stethoscope from her supply cart and ducked back behind that curtain.
One new life, one old death. (Love this beginning! Works well now!)
Stressed and nearly numb, Izzy somehow managed to do her job a few hours before, getting the custodial staff to move folding chairs to the bottom floor level of the Hospital Tower. Along with Izzy, most Assembly members were sitting on this floor now, although Izzy couldn’t see her dad anywhere. (and she expected to, wanted to?) Off duty specialists and novices from the Nuclear Plant were sitting or standing around the bottom floor too. Of course, they would be there to congratulate their boss if what happened happened.
She looked up at the curious worried sneering faces gazing down from the ledges that ringed the round, white metal Hospital Tower. Izzy recognized just about everybody except those on the top level, six levels above the bottom floor atrium. The distance and the fluorescent lighting up there made most of them shadowy, but she did recognize Billy Smith looking down. Ten-year-old Billy had fractured his leg a couple day shifts before when he fell in the AgCenter. He shouldn’t be here now, but this was the Hospital Tower, so of course he should be here.
Just a couple of questions popped into my head, but really interesting beginning!
Another batch of terrific comments, thank you all! I've incorporated many of your suggestions in this new draft:
ReplyDeleteQuery:
Lunar Base Three hangs on by maintaining a strict society and limiting its population. Over fifty years have passed since Mission Control’s last transmission.
Izzy Rodriguez is an admiring, young assistant to Presider Barbara Graham. Izzy strongly believes that Barbara’s more flexible policies are vital to the long-term survival of the moon base, but these policies have politically split the colony. Barbara’s son, Matthew, has become an outspoken critic. Izzy keeps a close watch on his core values activism.
When Matthew and his wife become pregnant, their unborn child exceeds the population the colony can sustain. Because the young have priority over the old, Barbara, as the oldest colonist, must be euthanized. Izzy suspects their pregnancy is politically motivated to force Barbara out of office, so she decides to run against Matthew during the special election. She campaigns on a platform that would further expand Barbara’s relaxed policies, and the race grows heated and tight.
The healthy baby arrives. Izzy and Barbara spontaneously, lovingly, share a bed the last night Barbara is alive. Even though Izzy wins the close election, Matthew exposes her illegal liaison. Izzy is removed from office and arrested. Without a Presider, rival political factions fight for control. Izzy must somehow escape prison and stop the violence before the contained, fragile moon base devolves into anarchy.
First 250 Words:
Each time the nurse pulled back the privacy curtain, Izzy would jump – as did those that needed to be here and those that didn’t need to be here but were here anyway. Once when the nurse came out, a quiet gasp echoed off the round metal walls. But the nurse silently picked up a stethoscope from her supply cart and ducked back behind that curtain.
One new life, one old death.
Stressed and nearly numb, Izzy somehow managed to do her job a few hours before, getting the custodial staff to move folding chairs to the bottom floor of the white, round, antiseptic Hospital Tower. Along with Izzy, most Assembly members sat on this floor now, although Izzy couldn’t see her dad. As the Manager of Light, he should be watching. But Izzy knew what he would say… a bulb was burnt out. No one would challenge that excuse. In an underground moon base, light is warm gold.
Off duty specialists and novices from the Nuclear Plant sat or stood around the bottom floor too. Of course, they would be there to congratulate their boss if what happened happened.
She looked up at the curious worried sneering faces gazing down from the six ledges that ringed the Hospital Tower. Izzy gasped when she saw Billy Smith on the third level. Ten-year-old Billy had fractured his leg when he fell in the AgCenter. He shouldn’t be here now, but this was the Hospital Tower, so of course he should be here.
Great work on both! Clear stakes now on the query!
ReplyDeleteJust in this line...
In an underground moon base, light is warm gold. Should be light WAS warm gold. That's all I got.
This entry has one of my votes. -SB
ReplyDeleteI think I'm finally starting to catch on to the art of writing pitches. I've learned so much from your reviews. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
ReplyDeleteYou have one of my votes. Loved this!
ReplyDelete