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Title: Arcanum
Category and Genre: Adult Fantasy
Word Count: 116,000
Query:
Naomi is the best healer in all of Nevre’stra. She shares a bond with the wolves, which heightens her senses and allows her to make a diagnosis based solely on the scent of an infection. While scouting the wilderness to help those in need, Naomi encounters her greatest fear, a marauder attack. She survives the onslaught only to be captured by one of the marauders, Delventrus. When Naomi is released, she permanently returns to her home in the city, scarred by the violent memories and the knowledge that she was left alive for only one reason: to carry Delventrus’ child.
Nearly eight years later, Delventrus reemerges in Naomi’s life. Now he wants her daughter, Dana’lia. He forces Naomi to choose between the life of her mate or relinquishing Dana’lia to him. Naomi does not have time to wait for the city guards or the wolves to intervene, she must decide. Yet unbeknownst to her, Delventrus has discovered a source of limitless power connected to her bloodline, and Dana’lia is the key to him obtaining that power. Naomi’s dire choice harbors drastic consequences for not only herself but also all the inhabitants of Nevre’stra.
First 250 Words:
Pillars of afternoon sunlight poured in through the tall, narrow windows of the barracks infirmary. Naomi neTara, the healer, the Luparian, gently held the swollen, red hands of the little girl in front of her. Clear humor trickled from open sores and black lesions made her pitiful hands grotesque. The redness seeped up to her wrists but the black lesions were mainly on her palms and fingertips. It was easy to see why the barracks healer, a former apprentice of Naomi, thought the girl displayed symptoms of Shepherd’s Plague. Such would be the end of the little girl and disaster for the township she traveled from for help. But Naomi did not worry. She held her nose close to the little girl’s hands, closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. She let the scent of the affliction roll across her olfactories and settle on the back of her tongue. Naomi inhaled again to be sure.
A wolf padded along the hidden deer-trails of the forest. When he detected an enticing odor on the wind, he stopped for a moment. It had been days since he had eaten, since he journeyed from his pack and family in search of his own territory and mate. The odor on the wind was meat, rotting in the sun, not choice parts but entrails. It didn’t matter, anything would do. He sniffed at the entrance of a burrow but the scent of prey was stale. The rabbits were long gone.
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ReplyDeleteSo excited for the feedback! Thank you for critiquing my query and first 250 words! ::happy dance::
ReplyDeletep.s. I can't get my wordpress username to work so am trying google. Last name on google account is my married name (writing with the maiden) so here's a link to my blog post to prove it's me :)
https://enlightenedwolfblog.wordpress.com/2017/02/14/pitch-wars/
Twitter handle: @NikMSimmons
Let’s start with the query: Having a strong opening line is vital, and I don’t think your opening sentence is there yet. It’s really more of a definition than a hook. I’m much more interested in the information I glean in that second sentence: the wolf bond, heightened senses, and diagnosis through scent. I recommend combining those sentences and concentrating on active verbs, especially in sentence one. “Thanks to heightened senses gained from her bond with the wolves, Naomi can diagnose an infection based only on smell.” Put the most interesting thing first. From there you could go into how her skill makes her a sought after healer and so on.
ReplyDeleteWhen you’re using so few words to begin with, as we do in queries, any repetitions really stand out. “Marauder” is used twice in short succession here, which wouldn’t matter in a longer piece, but jumps off the page here. I’d reword that part to avoid using the word twice. The same with repeating Naomi, Delventrus and Dans’lia’s names. You can use other tags to identify characters instead, letting them provide information about who the person is. Something like: “Her attacker left her alive and let her return to her city, if only so she could bear his child.”
I’m interested in the story from this query. I think you could tighten it up considerably and focus on the emotions of the experiences more than the details of the world.
Now, the first 250 words: The opening moment with Naomi using her gift to diagnose the little girl caught my attention and made me curious about what she was doing. The details, both the lovely ones like “pillars of afternoon sunlight” and the horrible ones like “black lesions” really have me there in the moment with her. That might be why I bumped so hard when I moved to the second paragraph and found a wolf in the forest. From the query, I understand that Naomi has an affinity for the wolf, and I’m sure that bond will become clear in future paragraphs, but I wonder if you could stay with Naomi a bit longer before you make that leap, letting us hear the diagnosis and maybe a bit of dialogue with that former apprentice. Give us a little longer in the first moment.
Thanks for participating in our query contest. I hope you find the feedback helpful! -SB
Naomi is the best healer in all of Nevre’stra. She shares a bond with the wolves, which heightens her senses and allows her to make a diagnosis based solely on the scent of an infection. While scouting the wilderness to help those in need, Naomi encounters her greatest fear, a marauder attack. She survives the onslaught only to be captured by one of the marauders, Delventrus. When Naomi is released, she permanently returns to her home in the city, scarred by the violent memories and the knowledge that she was left alive for only one reason: to carry Delventrus’ child.
ReplyDelete(Can you open with Naomi can smell infection? Then go into how she has a bond with the wolves and uses her gift to heal...what exactly does having a bond with wolves mean? What is a marauder? How are they different from her? Where is this? Earth? Who are her people? I don't think you need to tell us that she survived the attack, just tell us she was captured. And back home pregnant...yikes.)
Nearly eight years later, Delventrus reemerges in Naomi’s life. Now he wants her daughter, Dana’lia. He forces Naomi to choose between the life of her mate or relinquishing Dana’lia to him. Naomi does not have time to wait for the city guards or the wolves to intervene, she must decide. Yet unbeknownst to her, Delventrus has discovered a source of limitless power connected to her bloodline, and Dana’lia is the key to him obtaining that power. Naomi’s dire choice harbors drastic consequences for not only herself but also all the inhabitants of Nevre’stra.
(I wonder if he knew about the power and that's why he took her...right? It was his whole plan? Why would she wait for the wolves to intervene? I don't understand her relationship to them or what they are. How will her decision affect her people? What will the power he gains make him capable of? Her gift is mentioned, but how is this gift linked to all this, it's mentioned so I think it's important? I don't think we need to know her daughter's name. Too many names can get confusing. I really like this premise! So many things intrigue me.)
250...
ReplyDeletePillars of afternoon sunlight poured in through the tall, narrow windows of the barracks infirmary. Naomi neTara, the healer, the Luparian, gently held the swollen, red hands of the little girl in front of her. Clear humor trickled from open sores and black lesions made her pitiful hands grotesque. The redness seeped up to her wrists but the black lesions were mainly on her palms and fingertips. It was easy to see why the barracks healer, a former apprentice of Naomi, thought the girl displayed symptoms of Shepherd’s Plague. Such would be the end of the little girl and disaster for the township she traveled from for help. But Naomi did not worry. She held her nose close to the little girl’s hands, closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. She let the scent of the affliction roll across her olfactories and settle on the back of her tongue. Naomi inhaled again to be sure.
(Such great description! A great set up for Naomi, letting us see her using her power.)
A wolf padded along the hidden deer-trails of the forest. When he detected an enticing odor on the wind, he stopped for a moment. It had been days since he had eaten, since he journeyed from his pack and family in search of his own territory and mate. The odor on the wind was meat, rotting in the sun, not choice parts but entrails. It didn’t matter, anything would do. He sniffed at the entrance of a burrow but the scent of prey was stale. The rabbits were long gone.
(The change was abrupt. I'm not sure why we're suddenly with a wolf. I want to know if the child is going to be okay! What is wrong with her? I want to know more about Naomi...hear her speak, know what she wants, what she fears...I want to know her connection to the wolf, cause there must be one.)
Query:
ReplyDeleteI really wanted to see more of the voice come out in the query.
"Naomi is the best healer in all of Nevre’stra. She shares a bond with the wolves, which heightens her senses and allows her to make a diagnosis based solely on the scent of an infection. While scouting the wilderness to help those in need, Naomi encounters her greatest fear, a marauder attack. She survives the onslaught only to be captured by one of the marauders, Delventrus. When Naomi is released, she permanently returns to her home in the city, scarred by the violent memories and the knowledge that she was left alive for only one reason: to carry Delventrus’ child."
I think this could be tightened up. I'm okay with the first sentence, but the second one falls flat for me. You can take out all the unnecessary stuff: "To help those in need." We don't care at this point WHY she was in the wilderness. "Permanently returns"... Was she traveling a lot before this?
I'm confused: he impregnates her (via rape, I assume) and then...he lets her go? Why would he do that?
"Nearly eight years later, Delventrus reemerges in Naomi’s life. Now he wants her daughter, Dana’lia. He forces Naomi to choose between the life of her mate or relinquishing Dana’lia to him. Naomi does not have time to wait for the city guards or the wolves to intervene, she must decide. Yet unbeknownst to her, Delventrus has discovered a source of limitless power connected to her bloodline, and Dana’lia is the key to him obtaining that power. Naomi’s dire choice harbors drastic consequences for not only herself but also all the inhabitants of Nevre’stra."
More to cut here. Using the unusual names so often in a query is confusing and bogs down the flow.
Is Naomi the main POV character? Because telling me that Delventrus knows something "unbeknownst" to her is jarring.
I'm still not entirely sure what the stakes are, except that her "mate" might be killed if she doesn't give up the daughter. I definitely don't get a sense of urgency.
The first 250 words: I liked the first character, and did not like the abrupt switch to the wolf.
A note about your word count: it is my understanding that 116,000 is A LOT of words for a debut. (Or really, anybody who isn't George R.R. Martin...) Even for an epic high fantasy, I don't think agents are quick to pick up new authors with that high word count.
Best of luck to you!
From the luminous Elsie Elmore...via me!!!
ReplyDeleteYou're off to a strong start with the query and the beginning drivers a lot of interesting details. Focus on adding details to answer more questions. I put some musings down and hope they help - or not. Best of luck.
Query:
Naomi, the best healer in all of Nevre’stra, has heightened senses and can make a diagnosis based solely on the scent of an infection thanks to her bond with wolves. (Wow, like this concept!) While scouting to help sick villagers, marauders attack Naomi. She is captured by one of the marauders, Delventrus. When Naomi is released, she returns home, scarred by the violent memories and the knowledge that she was left alive only to carry Delventrus’ child.
Eight years later, Delventrus reemerges to claim Naomi's daughter, Dana’lia. Naomi must choose between the life of her mate or relinquishing Dana’lia to him. With no time for the city guards or the wolves to intervene, she must decide. Yet unbeknownst to her, Delventrus has discovered a source of limitless power connected to her bloodline, and Dana’lia is the key to him obtaining that power. Naomi’s dire choice harbors drastic consequences for not only herself but also all the inhabitants of Nevre’stra.
( Your last paragraph makes me think that Naomi being a Luperian is special and maybe a secret she would hide? Is that what makes the child's blood special? If it's Delventrus's blood that’s important, he could have picked any vessel. I'm trying to understand why she was targeted. And then, what will happen if he gets the girl? Show the stakes and weave a bit more details in so we can understand the conflict and why the situation is so dire. Great concept and story!
First 250 Words:
Pillars of afternoon sunlight poured through the tall, narrow windows of the barracks infirmary. Naomi neTara, the healer, the Luparian, gently held the swollen, red hands of the little girl in front of her. Clear humor trickled from open sores and black lesions made her pitiful hands grotesque. The redness seeped up to her wrists but the black lesions were mainly on her palms and fingertips. It was easy to see why the barracks healer, a former apprentice of Naomi, thought the girl displayed symptoms of Shepherd’s Plague. Such would be the end of the little girl and disaster for the township she traveled from for help. But Naomi did not worry. She held her nose close to the little girl’s hands, closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. She let the scent of the affliction roll across her olfactories and settle on the back of her tongue. Naomi inhaled again to be sure.
A wolf padded along the hidden deer-trails of the forest. When he detected an enticing odor on the wind, he stopped for a moment. It had been days since he had eaten, since he journeyed from his pack and family in search of his own territory and mate. The odor on the wind was meat, rotting in the sun, not choice parts but entrails. It didn’t matter, anything would do. He sniffed at the entrance of a burrow but the scent of prey was stale. The rabbits were long gone.
I knew from the query that there was a bond with wolves, but when the wolf entered the scene I was surprised and wondered what this role was. Does this continue? (Does he become someone? You’ve got me thinking.) You do a great job with the details and make the scenes come to life. I enjoyed reading your words.
All suggestions/thoughts/opinions are humbly offered. Thanks for sharing your work!
Thank you everyone for your feedback! I definitely have my work cut out for me on the query-- some grey areas to correct. It is clear that the easiest thing for me to fix is when the wolf comes in, so I have modified my first 250 words. The wolf now comes in on page 3 and his connection to Naomi is a more fluid transition, which I like. It definitely flows better, thank you for pointing this out. Anyway, I will post my modified 250 words for anyone to review, should you like to and will set to work addressing query issues ASAP. Thank you again!
ReplyDeletePillars of afternoon sunlight poured in through the tall, narrow windows of the barracks infirmary. Naomi neTara, the healer, the Luparian, gently held the swollen, red hands of the little girl in front of her. Clear humor trickled from open sores and black lesions made her pitiful hands grotesque. The redness seeped up to her wrists but the black lesions were mainly on her palms and fingertips. It was easy to see why the barracks healer, a former apprentice of Naomi, thought the girl displayed symptoms of Shepherd’s Plague. Such would be the end of the little girl and disaster for the township she traveled from for help. But Naomi did not worry. She held her nose close to the little girl’s hands, closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. She let the scent of the affliction roll across her olfactories and settle on the back of her tongue. Naomi inhaled again to be sure.
“I’ve been keeping her wounds dry,” Cataleena, the barracks healer, said. “Changing her wraps frequently but there hasn’t been improvement. I’ve also been applying sunlot ointment before bandage application and am having her sup pale fermented clay.”
The girl wrinkled part of her nose with a curled lip and shook her head.
“It doesn’t taste very good, does it?” Naomi asked with a sympathetic smile.
“It’s awful,” the girl said in a husky voice.
“It will help you though,” Naomi said. “How do your hands feel?”
“When you touch them, there is no pain.”
What a great scene! I love how the girl reacts to eating pale fermented clay...I'd make faces too. Good set up of Naomi and the world!
ReplyDelete