For my regular readers, these are some special posts this week as part of a pitch contest I'm providing feedback for. My normal musings will return next week.
For participants, welcome to my blog! I'm happy to host you and excited to see what kinds of stories you've written. Please remember that only the author of this piece and the participating judges are supposed to comment. All other comments will be deleted.
We're Team Fluttershy! Because here on Balancing Act, we're both quite sweet unless you provoke us, in which case, we are terrifying.
You can check out other teams on the other hosting blogs: Rena Rocford (Rainbow Dash), Kathleen Ann Palm (Rarity), Elizabeth Roderick (Discord), Katie Hamstead Teller (Princess Luna)
____________________________________
Title: The Merged
Category and Genre: Adult Science Fiction
Word Count: 85,000
Query:
Two centuries ago, a fiery celestial orb ignited the night sky over Earth’s northern hemisphere. From it rained down a hive-mind of shapeless creates called Yuva. They took on human form with the peaceful goal of growing their numbers and then leaving without ever being discovered. But when years pass without a single Yuva birth, panic and confusion rises, and they begin to blame the humans for their demise.
Essence is a Yuva Commander. Just as she is trying to rein in her people’s sinister plans against the humans she believes to be innocent, her sister is stolen away by a covert team of government contractors. Essence risks her reputation and the lives of her enclave in a daring rescue effort, but discovers that saving her sister is impossible: the humans have developed biological weapons that render her shapeshifting inert, with higher dosages lethal to all Yuva kind.
Undeterred, Essence leads an escalating war to save her sister and ultimately her own kind, but when she uncovers a secret about the two very different peoples, she realizes they might not be enemies after all, and, for the ultimate price, humanity might actually be the savior of her kind.
First 250 Words:
In 213 years, Essence had never killed a human. The thought of ending such a delicate life brought on a crippling nausea only six weeks ago. The back of her teeth clenched, rotten acid dripped down her throat. But now, shivering against the metal plank, weaponized vapors burning her lungs, she knew one thing: death came for all.
A heavy door scratched at its hinges and rattled open. Essence startled. The jarring noise meant only one thing. Either they captured someone new, or they extracted someone old, neither would ever be seen again.
Today it was someone new. Down the concrete corridor outside her cell, soldiers dragged a woman along. The scrappy push and pull of resistance clanged in a lopsided rhythm. One of them limped. Maybe it was the captive, maybe it was one of the soldiers.
The unit stopped at an empty cell two down from hers. Aluminum batons shoved the woman in. She sobbed. Essence searched the vocals, isolating the rich timbre of the young voice. No. The new captive wasn't the one she searched for, the one that led her to this place, the one that got her caught. But the woman didn’t have to worry. In a few minutes, Essence would set her free. She’d set them all free.
Rubber soles turned on the linoleum floor, the squeak pitched high and hurt her ears. The soldiers headed out the same way they came in. But one of them didn’t follow his comrades.
Category and Genre: Adult Science Fiction
Word Count: 85,000
Query:
Two centuries ago, a fiery celestial orb ignited the night sky over Earth’s northern hemisphere. From it rained down a hive-mind of shapeless creates called Yuva. They took on human form with the peaceful goal of growing their numbers and then leaving without ever being discovered. But when years pass without a single Yuva birth, panic and confusion rises, and they begin to blame the humans for their demise.
Essence is a Yuva Commander. Just as she is trying to rein in her people’s sinister plans against the humans she believes to be innocent, her sister is stolen away by a covert team of government contractors. Essence risks her reputation and the lives of her enclave in a daring rescue effort, but discovers that saving her sister is impossible: the humans have developed biological weapons that render her shapeshifting inert, with higher dosages lethal to all Yuva kind.
Undeterred, Essence leads an escalating war to save her sister and ultimately her own kind, but when she uncovers a secret about the two very different peoples, she realizes they might not be enemies after all, and, for the ultimate price, humanity might actually be the savior of her kind.
First 250 Words:
In 213 years, Essence had never killed a human. The thought of ending such a delicate life brought on a crippling nausea only six weeks ago. The back of her teeth clenched, rotten acid dripped down her throat. But now, shivering against the metal plank, weaponized vapors burning her lungs, she knew one thing: death came for all.
A heavy door scratched at its hinges and rattled open. Essence startled. The jarring noise meant only one thing. Either they captured someone new, or they extracted someone old, neither would ever be seen again.
Today it was someone new. Down the concrete corridor outside her cell, soldiers dragged a woman along. The scrappy push and pull of resistance clanged in a lopsided rhythm. One of them limped. Maybe it was the captive, maybe it was one of the soldiers.
The unit stopped at an empty cell two down from hers. Aluminum batons shoved the woman in. She sobbed. Essence searched the vocals, isolating the rich timbre of the young voice. No. The new captive wasn't the one she searched for, the one that led her to this place, the one that got her caught. But the woman didn’t have to worry. In a few minutes, Essence would set her free. She’d set them all free.
Rubber soles turned on the linoleum floor, the squeak pitched high and hurt her ears. The soldiers headed out the same way they came in. But one of them didn’t follow his comrades.
Hi! Kathy of #TeamRarity here! My comments are my opinion only. Please keep the thoughts that make sense to you and disregard the ones that don't.
ReplyDeleteTwo centuries ago, a fiery celestial orb ignited the night sky over Earth’s northern hemisphere. From it rained down a hive-mind of shapeless creates called Yuva. They took on human form with the peaceful goal of growing their numbers and then leaving without ever being discovered. But when years pass without a single Yuva birth, panic and confusion rises, and they begin to blame the humans for their demise. (uh oh)
Essence is a Yuva Commander. (Essence, a Yuva Commander believes the humans are not to blame.) Just as she is trying to rein in her people’s sinister plans (What plans? What are they going to do? Have the humans discovered their existence?) against the humans she believes to be innocent, her sister is stolen away by a covert team of government contractors (the humans DO know about them!). Essence risks her reputation and the lives of her enclave in a daring rescue effort, but discovers that saving her sister is impossible: the humans have developed biological weapons that render her shapeshifting inert, with higher dosages lethal to all Yuva kind. (How does this make saving her sister impossible? Or does it make saving her useless, when the humans can simply kill everyone? So she gives up on the rescue?)
Undeterred, Essence leads an escalating war to save her sister and ultimately her own kind, (Oh...the rescue becomes a war!) but when she uncovers a secret about the two very different peoples (what does she learn?), she realizes they might not be enemies after all, and, for the ultimate price (WHAT PRICE!?!?!?!), humanity might actually be the savior of her kind. (Oh! So what is her big moment? What is the ultimate price? How can humanity be the savior of her kind? What risks are there with this plan? Is it a plan? The end game is too vague. What is the final decision? Might Essence lose her sister? Might her race die by human hands?)
First 250 Words:
ReplyDeleteIn 213 years, Essence had never killed a human. (YEA!) (*Move this to the front of the sentence? >Only six weeks ago, The thought of ending such a delicate life brought on a crippling nausea (only six weeks ago). The back of her teeth (the back of her jaw?) clenched, rotten acid dripped down her throat. (Why is she having this reaction?) But now, shivering against the metal plank, weaponized vapors burning her lungs, she knew one thing: death came for all. (Where is she? What is going on? A fight...weaponized vapors... Sights, sounds, smells?)
A heavy door scratched at its hinges and rattled open. Essence startled (is she afraid? Nervous? Why? What might happen?). The jarring noise meant only one thing. Either they (They who?) captured someone new, or they extracted someone old (what does that mean?) , neither would ever be seen again. (If they brought in someone new...she would see them...right? Where is she?)
Today it was someone new. Down the concrete corridor outside her cell (OMG she's in a cell!), soldiers dragged a woman along (the grimy concrete floor?). The scrappy push and pull of resistance clanged in a lopsided rhythm (she's fighting? How? What is making the noise?). One of them limped. Maybe it was the captive, maybe it was one of the soldiers. (How many soldiers?)
The unit stopped at an empty cell two down from hers. Aluminum batons shoved the woman in. (What does she look like?) She sobbed. Essence searched the vocals, isolating the rich timbre of the young voice. No. The new captive wasn't the one she searched for, the one that led her to this place, the one that got her caught. (OH, THAT IS INTERESTING!) But the woman didn’t have to worry. In a few minutes, Essence would set her free. She’d set them all free. (PRISON BREAK!!!! YES! Sounds fun.)
Rubber soles turned on the linoleum floor, the squeak pitched high and (reword?...the high-pitched squeak) hurt her ears. The soldiers headed out the same way they came in. But one of them didn’t follow his comrades. (Dun dun duuuunnnnn!)
I was lost at first...not understanding where we were or what was happening. I feel like I am seated with Essence at the beginning, then lose her voice, her thoughts, to the goings-on in the prison. Keep us with her, her feelings and thoughts. The end had me worried and excited...WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN?
Thanks for sharing your words!
The Merged: Query: Beautiful opening line. Really had me picturing it. The next few sentences didn’t flow as well for me, though. Maybe it’s the transition? “From it” didn’t take me right back to the orb. Maybe something like “ When the orb broke open, the Yuva rained down. Shapeless, hive-mind creatures, the Yuva took on human form with the peaceful goal . . .
ReplyDeleteThen again, it sounds like Essence is the essence (ha!) of your story. Since it centers around her, you probably want to get to her as quickly as possible. Given that the purpose of a query is just to get the publisher to want to read more of the story, you could consider leaving out some of the backstory and beginning with Essence right away. That would give you a little more space to illuminate her and her concerns and conflicts. Right now, her two paragraphs feel a little overpacked. If you keep it focused on her from the beginning, you might have the space to spin that more smoothly.
250 words: Good opening. “had never” is so ominous. Excellent first paragraph.
I bumped in the second paragraph. “The jarring noise meant only one thing” . .. then two possibilities are offered. That’s not one thing. Plus you just said “one thing” at the end of paragraph one.
I’m drawn in by how much Essence can learn just by listening: the limp, the weapons used, whether the woman is the one she seeks, etc. And the promise to set them all free! Good suspense and promise of a strong action scene coming soon. I’d read more.
I just have to say that I love the query. Drew me in, set me firmly in the world, the characters, and the conflict/stakes, and left me wanting more.
ReplyDeleteI'm in LOVE with your opening line. It's perfect in the way it tells me SO MUCH in so few words. One thing to note, you'll want to spell out 213, not use numbers.
Your first 250 are strong. I feel like I'm there, experiencing what Essence does. My senses are peaked, and I feel really connected to her. Plus, I want to know how she escapes! Overall, very well done!
Vote!
ReplyDeleteYes! Good! *slams red button* GIVE ME MORE!
ReplyDelete