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Monday, September 18, 2017

Son of a Pitch: Entry Four: Fear Factory



For my regular readers, these are some special posts this week as part of a pitch contest I'm providing feedback for. My normal musings will return next week.
For participants, welcome to my blog! I'm happy to host you and excited to see what kinds of stories you've written. Please remember that only the author of this piece and the participating judges are supposed to comment. All other comments will be deleted.

We're Team Fluttershy! Because here on Balancing Act, we're both quite sweet unless you provoke us, in which case, we are terrifying.

You can check out other teams on the other hosting blogs: Rena Rocford (Rainbow Dash), Kathleen Ann Palm (Rarity), Elizabeth Roderick (Discord), Katie Hamstead Teller (Princess Luna)
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Title: FEAR FACTORY
Category and Genre: Adult Science Fiction Thriller
Word Count: 110,000

Query:
Sarah is an accomplished medical student whose confidence is shaken after spending months at Doctors Without Borders coping with the harsh realities of the world. Eager to restore her self-esteem before beginning her residency, Sarah agrees to participate in a new television show that pits contestants against their fears in a virtual arena. Since her greatest fear is failure, she feels that the prize money is hers to win.

Sarah is bullied by Christine, a vindictive contestant who will stop at nothing to gain competitive advantage. Sarah is disqualified when her prescription interferes with the fear-response monitoring used by the virtual reality simulator. Relegated to the role of spectator, the brutality of the arena is displayed as the line between fantasy and reality is erased. When a competitor is critically injured inside the arena, Sarah’s medical instincts propel her into action.

After a failed attempt to save the fallen competitor, Sarah learns that the show is merely a ruse to lure unsuspecting participants into a fear-response project sponsored by the government. The contestant who perseveres will be used to unlock the potential of the artificial intelligence for its intended purpose. With Christine at the helm, the arena is converted into a powerful interrogation chamber for the Department of Defense. When the stresses of the arena place Christine in peril, Sarah must push aside the bad blood between them and overcome her fear of failure to save her life.


First 250 Words:

The phone slipped from my hand and bounced on the threadbare carpet. Dr. Anders’ muted voice beckoned from the floor. “Are you still there, Sarah?”

I slid off the bed and fumbled to align the receiver with my ear. “Oh my God. Sorry, I’m still here.” Everything was moving so fast. It was like spontaneity had sucked down a Red Bull. Most people run from their fears. I was willing to fly across the country to face mine.

“I appreciate your enthusiasm. To be honest, I wasn’t certain how you would react.”

For an instant, doubt tried to gain a foothold in my mind. I was just invited to be on a new television show. An all-expenses-paid trip to Las Vegas awaited. Who wouldn’t want to go? “Is there any reason I shouldn’t be excited?”

“From what you told me, you’ve been through a lot recently.”

I nodded before realizing that he could not see me. “Yes. That’s true. But I am ready to move on.”

“Are you, Sarah? This is no joke. Fear Factory will require your full mental capacity.”

Part of me was offended that he so openly questioned my mental toughness. Medical School had prepared me for everything. Almost everything. Ghana was a different story. “I think I know where you’re going with this. Like I already said, you weren’t there.”

“Yes, of course. I don’t suppose anything could prepare you for the horrors of the outside world. And I do sympathize with your plight. It must have been hard to lose so many children. You are a very brave woman.”

5 comments:

  1. Hi! Kathy from #TeamRarity here to read and comment! These are my opinions only, please take any that spark ideas and forget the rest!

    Sarah is an accomplished medical student whose confidence is shaken after spending months at Doctors Without Borders coping with the harsh realities of the world. Eager to restore her self-esteem before beginning her residency, Sarah agrees to participate in a new television show that pits contestants against their fears in a virtual arena. Since her greatest fear is failure, she feels that the prize money is hers to win. (good character set up! I know her and what she wants)

    Sarah is bullied by Christine, a vindictive contestant who will stop at nothing to gain competitive advantage. (and that does what to Sarah? Does Christine become a nemesis?) Sarah is disqualified when her prescription interferes with the fear-response monitoring used by the virtual reality simulator. (That sucks! And that does what to her? These are obstacles, getting in her way, the way of winning, the way of gaining her confidence, so what emotionally is she feeling?) Relegated to the role of spectator, the brutality of the arena is displayed as the line between fantasy and reality is erased. (She can see what the people competing can see? How is her mental state after being kicked out of the competition, is she upset? relieved after seeing what everyone else faces?) When a competitor is critically injured inside the arena, Sarah’s medical instincts propel her into action.

    After a failed attempt to save the fallen competitor, (So the person dies? Is Sarah upset?) Sarah learns that the show is merely a ruse to lure unsuspecting participants into a fear-response project sponsored by the government. The contestant who perseveres will be used to unlock the potential of the artificial intelligence for its intended purpose. (For what purpose?) With Christine at the helm (Because she wins?), the arena is converted into a powerful interrogation chamber for the Department of Defense. When the stresses of the arena place Christine in peril, Sarah must push aside the bad blood between them and overcome her fear of failure to save her life. (If she doesn't save her, what does that mean to Sarah? Is she that driven to save people, that she will help anyone?)


    First 250 Words:
    The phone slipped from my hand and bounced on the threadbare carpet. Dr. Anders’ muted voice beckoned from the floor. “Are you still there, Sarah?” (I'm intrigued...)

    I slid off the bed and fumbled to align the receiver with my ear. “Oh my God. Sorry, I’m still here.” Everything was moving so fast. It was like spontaneity had sucked down a Red Bull. (Haha!) Most people run from their fears. I was willing to fly across the country to face mine.

    “I appreciate your enthusiasm. To be honest, I wasn’t certain how you would react.”

    For an instant, doubt tried to gain a foothold in my mind. I was just invited to be on a new television show. An all-expenses-paid trip to Las Vegas awaited. Who wouldn’t want to go? “Is there any reason I shouldn’t be excited?”

    “From what you told me, you’ve been through a lot recently.”

    I nodded before realizing that he could not see me. “Yes. That’s true. But I am ready to move on.”

    “Are you, Sarah? This is no joke. Fear Factory will require your full mental capacity.”

    Part of me was offended that he so openly questioned my mental toughness. Medical School had prepared me for everything. Almost everything. Ghana was a different story. (Good hint at past problems!) “I think I know where you’re going with this. Like I already said, you weren’t there.”

    “Yes, of course. I don’t suppose anything could prepare you for the horrors of the outside world. And I do sympathize with your plight. It must have been hard to lose so many children. You are a very brave woman.”

    I am intrigued. Going to face her fears...a past that haunts her, though she tries to push it down...a TV show...Cool!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Fear Factory: The Query: The opening sentence conveys a lot of information, but doesn’t draw me in. It might have more punch in shorter sentences. For the purposes of a query (to get a publisher to request a larger selection of the book to consider), the backstory is not that important. Concentrate on helping a potential publisher understand who Sarah is now and what’s at stake for her. So the details of why she’s having a crisis of confidence don’t matter as much as the fact that she’s in one and what she’s going to do about it.

    There’s no transition into Christine in the second paragraph. Just a few words would help: Once on the show . . . Similarly, there’s no transition into Sarah’s disqualification, which gives the query as a whole a choppy, jumping-around feeling. You’ll want to smooth that out, as a query also advertises your skill as a storyteller (not just the polished novel you’re hoping to sell).
    250 words: I guess the good news that I don’t have much to suggest about your opening. You do a good job getting some background in there, and I feel like I know what’s going on. Of course, I don’t know Sarah yet, but her reaction to Dr. Anders’ does begin to reveal her a little. I would read more, which is, of course, what you want!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey there! This is a thrilling concept.

    In the query, instead of saying she's bullied, give us an idea/image of how she is bullied, to add intrigue and individuality.

    Also, I think it might hook better if you tell us the competition is a ruse...but not what it's a ruse for. Maybe just say a "ruse for a secret government project".

    "...sucked down a Red Bull." Good line.

    Great entry!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you everyone for your feedback thus far. I left the backstory in for now because I believe it's critical to Sarah's character arc. This is a classic antihero story that follows Sarah on a roller coaster ride that bottoms out when she (ironically) has to confront her fear of failure without ever participating in the game (where she thought she would have to face her greatest fear). I feel I need to tell the agent/publisher why she has a fear of failure (inability to save lives at Doctors w/o Borders) to set up the ending - having to confront that same fear when someone's life depends on her (Christine). Please let me know what you think.

    Take two on the query:

    Sarah is an accomplished medical student whose confidence is rattled after spending months at Doctors Without Borders frustrated by her inability to save third world children from preventable diseases. Eager to restore her self-esteem before beginning her residency, Sarah agrees to participate in a new television show that pits contestants against their fears in a virtual arena. Since her greatest fear is failure, she feels that the prize money is hers to win.

    Prior to the competition, Sarah is bullied by Christine, a vindictive contestant who will stop at nothing to gain an advantage. Unwilling to acquiesce, Sarah finds solace in Lin, a witty psychology major who understands the mental aspects of the game. Sarah is disqualified when her prescription interferes with the fear-response monitoring used by the virtual reality simulator. Relegated to the role of spectator, Sarah empathizes with the remaining contestants as the line between fantasy and reality is erased and the brutality of the virtual arena is on full display. When Lin is critically injured inside the arena, Sarah’s medical instincts propel her into action.

    After failing to save Lin from the merciless virtual world, Sarah learns that the show is nothing more than a ruse to lure unsuspecting participants into a fear-response project sponsored by the government. Christine emerges as the victor only to be trapped inside the arena by the creators to unlock the full potential of the artificial intelligence. With Christine subconsciously at the helm, the arena is converted into a powerful interrogation chamber for the Department of Defense. When the stresses of the arena place Christine in grave danger, Sarah must push aside the bad blood between them and overcome her fear of failure to save Christine’s life.

    ReplyDelete
  5. The query started well but it ran too long. Stay focused on the opening 2 chapters and do not give away your major twists.

    Sarah is an accomplished medical student whose confidence is rattled after spending months at Doctors Without Borders frustrated by her inability to save third world children from preventable diseases. Eager to restore her self-esteem before beginning her residency, Sarah agrees to participate in a new television show that pits contestants against their fears in a virtual arena.

    Failure is the only thing Sarah fears, so winning should be easy. But she didn't factor in how much the other contestants will want to win, or how much the show runners have to hide... Sometimes winning isn't everything.

    ReplyDelete