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Title: FORGE BAY
Category and Genre: Adult Fantasy
Word Count: 108,000
Query:
Jona is a young warrior, bonded as concubine to a powerful kin chief she despises. Forbidden to wield her spear, she rails against a life trapped behind the loom, but cannot leave if she hopes to preserve the final shred of her family's prestige.
When one of the chief’s fighters is killed in a failed ambush, his honorless kin captures the man they deem guilty. Roused by memory of her brother’s unlawful death, Jona attempts to free the captive before he faces retribution. After botching the rescue, she inadvertently opens a Farstep, an entryway to a lost realm enabling her to travel anywhere in the world within moments. Jona must decide whether she can trust the stranger beside her as she chooses between the unknown dangers beyond the Farstep, or the swift wrath of the kin she’s desperate to leave behind.
Meanwhile, Age is a reluctant prodigy of the people who maintain a tenuous link to the little magic left in the world. His unmatched ability to control the essences of nature should be a boon. To Age, his talents only mire him in suffocating responsibilities.
When a strange new power beckons to him in a way he can’t ignore, his instincts urge him to investigate. Eager to spy on the Farstep and avoid the awful sacrifice his people demand of him, Age uses his magic to infiltrate the kin. But he never expects to befriend Jona, and to regret the lie that has her believing he’s someone he’s not. Caught between conflicting loyalties, Age faces an impossible choice: to serve his people, or save his friend.
First 250 Words:
The band of raiders returned at sunset.
Jona sensed the glimmer of a dozen lives in her mind as they neared the seaside farm on horseback. She stilled the shuttle of the loom she shared with Elva, and lifted a hand to block the light from the setting sun so she could watch the raiders’ triumphant return through the weaving room’s narrow window. Sunlight speared defiantly across the plains, threatening to dazzle her vision—but wasn’t bright enough to wash out the thrashing profile of a person tied behind one of the mounts, being dragged through the grass until the riders dismounted in the yard. And atop that horse—
It couldn’t be.
She lunged, kicking aside her cushions to reach the open window. Golden sunlight glinted off motes of grit churned up by the people and horses milling in the yard a stone’s throw away. Coughing, Jona waved away the dust as she pulled herself into the overgrown window well.
The answer to her prayers rested casually over the rump of the nearest horse.
“Jona?” Elva’s voice, empty of its normal laughter, nearly drowned within the roaring of Jona’s own heartbeat as it echoed in her ears. “What’s wrong?”
“Our raiders are back,” Jona said, hardly paying attention to what she was saying. There was a man lying in the grass, covered in dirt and straw, trying to draw himself up to his knees. As he stirred, one of the raiders turned and booted him in the ribs.
I got a little muddled reading your query. I'm not sure if there are three main characters--Age, Jona, and the "stranger beside her"--or if Age is the stranger beside her and there are really only two main characters.
ReplyDeleteSince you already have two character arcs to represent in such a short space, I'd look to cut wherever I could. My recommendation would be in backstory elements. For example, it matters to the plot that Jona tries to rescue the prisoner, but maybe not that the reason she does so is because of the memory of what happened to her brother--that's the kind of backstory you can make good use of in the novel itself, but that only muddies the waters of a query.
This sounds like a grand-scale kind of story, so you really have to boil it down to only the most central elements in the sales pitch.
_______________________
In the 250 words . . .
Be careful of over-description. You've got a lovely sentence in the first long paragraph about the sunlight: "Sunlight speared defiantly . . ." It's full of active verbs and the personality of the point of view. A good one. But only a few sentences later, you have another grand sentence about light: "Golden sunlight glinted off motes . . ." You have to choose one, or the impact of each is undercut.
This bit also struck me as muddy: "Elva’s voice, empty of its normal laughter, nearly drowned within the roaring of Jona’s own heartbeat as it echoed in her ears." I had to read it more than once to fully grasp what you were trying to say. It might work better broken into simpler sentences or choosing one element to emphasize: either the lack of normal tone, or the difficulty of hearing it over her own heart.
Hope that helps!
Yes, thank you! I totally see what you mean about the over-description and overly long sentences. Definitely can work on that in revisions!
DeleteI've been uncertain about this query... you are right, there are only the two main characters. I wasn't sure whether to try to do the query with both of them or just with Jona... thoughts on that?
I will re-work it and re-post here in the comments if that's okay! Thanks so much for the feedback!
--Erin
You can *totally* post a new version in the comments when you have it ready.
DeleteSince there are only the two characters, you might try talking about them together, rather than one, then the other.
Jona and Age met . . . Jona is . . . .Age is . . . Kind of like that? Unless the story "belongs" to one of them more completely, you'll need to keep both in the query. The point is to help a potential publisher or agent understand quickly what the heart of your story is, and make them want to read the rest.
Okay here is a revision. To clarify, Age is *not* the stranger that Jona encounters at the beginning of the story. I hope parsing it down to one paragraph each might make that clearer, but suggestions on a better way to transition between the two characters would be helpful!
DeleteQuery revision 1:
Jona is a twenty-two-year-old warrior, bonded as concubine to a powerful kin chief she despises. When one of the chief’s fighters is killed in a failed ambush, his honorless kin captures the man they deem guilty. After botching the captive’s rescue, she inadvertently opens a Farstep: an entryway to a lost realm through which she can travel anywhere in the world within moments. Jona must decide whether she can trust the stranger beside her as she chooses between the unknown dangers beyond the Farstep, or the swift wrath of the kin she’s desperate to leave behind.
Born to the people who maintain a tenuous link to the little magic left in the world, Age possess unmatched ability to control the essences of nature. When a strange power beckons to him in a way he can’t ignore, his instincts urge him to investigate. Eager to spy on the Farstep and avoid the awful sacrifice his people demand of him, Age uses his magic to infiltrate the kin. But he never expects to befriend Jona, and to regret the lie that has her believing he’s someone he’s not. Caught between loyalty and duty, Age must decide the impossible: to serve his people, or save his friend.
FORGE BAY is a 107,000 word standalone Fantasy with series potential. [bio]
(Aha, I've trimmed down 1000 words since I submitted to the contest, yes!)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteRevised 250:
ReplyDeleteThe band of raiders returned at sunset.
Jona sensed the glimmer of a dozen lives in her mind as they neared the seaside farm on horseback. She turned from the loom she shared with Elva, and twitched the lacy curtains open to watch the raiders’ triumphant return. Sunlight speared defiantly across the plains, threatening to dazzle her vision—but wasn’t bright enough to wash out the thrashing profile of a person dragged through the grass behind one of the mounts. And atop that horse—
It couldn’t be.
She lunged, kicking aside her cushions to reach the open window. The relentless sea breeze spread the motes of grit churned up by the riders dismounting out in the yard. Coughing, Jona waved away the dust as she pulled herself onto the overgrown windowsill.
The answer to her prayers rested limply over the saddle of the nearest horse.
“Jona?” Elva’s voice, empty of its normal laughter, nearly drowned within the roaring of Jona’s own heartbeat. “What’s wrong?”
“Our raiders are back,” Jona said, hardly paying attention to her own words. There was a man lying in the grass, covered in dirt and straw, trying to draw himself up to his knees. As he stirred, one of the raiders turned and booted him in the ribs. The captive didn’t make a sound as he crumpled back onto the grass. Jona smothered her outraged gasp and reached down to pull Elva off her cushions. “Come outside. I think one of them is dead.”
“What?”
Comments from the wonderful Elsie Elmore, whom my blog will not allow to comment for herself!
ReplyDelete_______________________________
I missed seeing your updated entry until after I commented. I see you've made some really good changes. I'm going to go ahead and leave you these thoughts and I'll stop back by. Thanks !:)
Jona is a young warrior, bonded as concubine to a powerful kin chief she despises.(good intro line – how old is Jona?) Forbidden to wield her spear, she rails against a life trapped behind the loom, but cannot leave if she hopes to preserve the final shred of her family's prestige. (May want to break that sentence into two for both greater contrast and for clarity.)(what about the world here? Are they on a planet with shifting sands, Earth a million years in the future
When one of the chief’s fighters is killed in a failed ambush, his honorless kin captures the man they deem guilty. Roused by memory of her brother’s unlawful death, Jona attempts to free the captive before he faces retribution. (She fails.) The botched rescue . . . desperate to leave behind. (Is she going through the portal to escape being punished for trying to rescue her kin? Is she going to us the portal to try to rescue the captive ? )(Is she promised something to go through the portal? Looking to understand her motivation ..)
Meanwhile, Age (interesting name) is a reluctant prodigy of the people who maintain (Does Age maintain the link or does his people?) a tenuous link to the little magic left in the world. His unmatched ability to control the essences of nature should be a boon. To Age, his talents only mire him in suffocating responsibilities.***
When a strange new power beckons to him in a way he can’t ignore (does it draw him in? alter his magic? Do you need in a way he can’t ignore?), his instincts urge him to investigate. Eager to spy on the Farstep and avoid the awful sacrifice his people demand of him(Wait, the Farstep requires a sacrifice? If that’s a yes, I’d include that in the previous paragraph. Does Age monitor the Farstep for qualified sacrifices traveling through?) , Age uses his magic to infiltrate the kin (Jona’s kin? ) . But he never expects to befriend Jona, and to regret the lie that has her believing he’s someone he’s not. Caught between conflicting loyalties, Age faces an impossible choice: to serve his people, or save his friend.(I like the stakes here – very high)
Had a few questions while reading and listed them, made a few suggestions. Since it’s fantasy, snippet about world would be good. Best of luck
First 250 Words:
The band of raiders returned at sunset.(Love that line)
Jona sensed the glimmer of a dozen lives in her mind as they neared the seaside farm on horseback. She stilled the shuttle of the loom she shared with Elva, and lifted a hand to block the light from the setting sun so she could watch the raiders’ triumphant return through the weaving room’s narrow window.(Got two lines in here about the sun – although both beautifully written, I’d pare down. ) Sunlight speared defiantly across the plains, threatening to dazzle her vision—but wasn’t bright enough to wash out the thrashing profile of a person tied behind one of the mounts, being dragged through the grass until the riders dismounted in the yard. (Perhaps shorten the sentence to make this more dramatic – sounds tragic)And atop that horse—
It couldn’t be.
She lunged, kicking aside her cushions to reach the open window. (Golden sunlight glinted off motes of grit churned up by the people and horses milling in the yard a stone’s throw away. (– More sunlight :) , beautifully worded but are there other details?) Coughing, Jona waved away the dust as she pulled herself into the overgrown window well.
The answer to her prayers rested casually over the rump of the nearest horse. (nice line)
Good intro. This feels like the story starts in a very interesting place, ripe with promised action. I like your descriptions and phrasings – be wary of too much sun. J Enjoyed very much!
Thank you very much for the feedback! The sunlight thing is definitely a *headdesk* thing for me, like why didn't I notice it before?? :)
DeleteComments from Kathleen Palm on the query: Query revision 1:
ReplyDeleteJona is a twenty-two-year-old warrior, bonded as concubine to a powerful kin chief she despises. When one of the chief’s fighters is killed in a failed ambush, his honorless kin captures the man they deem guilty. After botching the captive’s rescue, she (Jona tried to set him free?) inadvertently opens a Farstep: an entryway to a lost realm through which she can travel anywhere in the world within moments. (DUDE THAT IS AWESOME! Can they open anywhere or just certain places?) Jona must decide whether she can trust the stranger beside her (Is this the person she rescued?) as she chooses between the unknown dangers beyond the Farstep, or the swift wrath of the kin she’s desperate to leave behind. (What will happen if she leaves…if she stays?)
Born to the people who maintain a tenuous link to the little magic left in the world, Age possess unmatched ability to control the essences of nature. When a strange power beckons to him in a way he can’t ignore, his instincts urge him to investigate. Eager to spy on the Farstep (I thought a Farstep was a doorway? How can he spy on it?) and avoid the awful sacrifice his people demand of him (What sacrifice?), Age uses his magic to infiltrate the kin. But he never expects to befriend Jona, and to regret the lie that has her believing he’s someone he’s not (What does he tell her?). Caught between loyalty and duty, Age must decide the impossible: to serve his people, or save his friend. (But what will happen if he chooses one or the other?)
I’d like a paragraph that brings them together, where their stories meet, to let me know how their individual stories tie together. Jona wants to escape the kin, who she’s bonded to...and go where? Where is she from? What has her life been like? Has she always known she would be bonded to the chief? How willing is she to do anything to get away? Why not run away through the Farstep? Age infiltrates the kin because his people want him to? To do what? Who does he say he is? Save Jona how? How does the Farstep, the way to travel all over the world, enter into the story, do they flee through it and keep running when they’re found? How connected is he to his people? What choice do they face, what moment brings them to that choice? If they choose one thing what terrible consequences will happen?
The premise here is really interesting! I love magic!
Revised query #2! I hope it has addressed some part that were unclear :)
DeleteQuery (revision 2):
Dear #sonofapitch,
Jona is a twenty-two-year-old warrior, bonded as concubine to a powerful kin chief she despises. When one of the chief’s fighters is killed in a failed ambush, his honorless kin captures the man they deem guilty. Roused by memory of her brother’s unlawful death, Jona attempts to free the captive before he faces retribution. And gets caught. Fleeing for her life with the man she tried to save, she inadvertently opens a Farstep: an entryway to a lost realm through which she can travel anywhere in the world within moments. Jona must decide whether she can trust the stranger beside her as she chooses between possible freedom in the unknown dangers beyond the Farstep, or the swift wrath of the kin she’s desperate to leave behind.
Born to the dangerous people who maintain a tenuous link to the little magic left in the world, Age possess unmatched ability to control the essences of nature. When a strange power beckons to him in a way he can’t ignore, his instincts urge him to investigate--and he discovers Jona, wielding an ability the world hasn’t seen in generations. Eager to lean more of Farsteps, and avoid the awful sacrifice his people demand of him, Age uses his magic to infiltrate the kin. But he never expects to befriend Jona, and to regret his lies about who he really is: one of the hated magic-wielders from the mountains. Caught between loyalty and duty, Age must decide the impossible: sacrifice the security of his own race for the sake of his friend and the power she wields, or forsake both their lives on a gamble to free his people from the mountains.
FORGE BAY is a 107,000 word standalone Fantasy with series potential. [bio]
Comments from Kathleen Palm on the 250 words: Revised 250…
ReplyDeleteThe band of raiders returned at sunset. (Nice opener!)
Jona sensed the glimmer of a dozen lives in her mind (Like psychic?) as they neared the seaside farm on horseback. (Umm..I thought she was on horseback approaching the farm…so the being at the loom thing made my head explode…I don’t know why I thought that…) She turned from the loom she shared with Elva, and twitched the lacy curtains open to watch the raiders’ triumphant return. Sunlight speared defiantly across the plains, threatening to dazzle her vision—but wasn’t bright enough to wash out the thrashing profile of a person dragged through the grass behind one of the mounts. And atop that horse—
It couldn’t be.
She lunged, kicking aside her cushions to reach the open window. The relentless sea breeze spread the motes of grit churned up by the riders dismounting out in the yard. Coughing, Jona waved away the dust as she pulled herself onto the overgrown windowsill. (Overgrown with what? Is she fighting leaves or vines?)
The answer to her prayers rested limply over the saddle of the nearest horse.
“Jona?” Elva’s voice, empty of its normal laughter, nearly drowned within the roaring of Jona’s own heartbeat. “What’s wrong?”
“Our raiders are back,” Jona said, hardly paying attention to her own words. There was a man lying in the grass, covered in dirt and straw, trying to draw himself up to his knees. As he stirred, one of the raiders turned and booted him in the ribs. The captive didn’t make a sound as he crumpled back onto the grass. Jona smothered her outraged gasp and reached down to pull Elva off her cushions. “Come outside. I think one of them is dead.” (Because you just described the guy in the grass get up and get kicked, I thought she was referring to him as dead…)
“What?”
I am a bit confused…because she’s happy one of the raiders is dead? There’s someone limp on a horse…dead guy…and a guy being dragged and kicked…Jona wasn’t gasping at the guy getting kicked, but at the guy draped over the horse?
If she’s happy about one of her people’s raiders being dead, I need a bit of backstory. In the query she’s unhappy, a slave to the chief…here she is sitting by a window at a loom, I have no sense that she’s unhappy or of her life in general. Let us hear her thoughts, give us a smidge of backstory, so we understand. I really like your descriptions. I am very interested in the poor guy who was dragged through the grass.
Thank you for your comments! Aah it's so hard because she starts thinking abut the answers to some of your questions (at the end of your comment) right after the first 250 end. I will see if I can work in a little more internal dialog earlier! I'm so wary of info dumping that I might have cut too much out. :/
DeleteThanks for your feedback!