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Title: Traditor
Category and Genre: Adult Science Fiction
Word Count: 130,000
Query:
When Mer York meets a charming man named Bryn in the park, she doesn’t suspect that he’s actually a civil disobedient—a Dissenter—on the run from the law. When government agents known as Company Men link her to him, Mer is thrust into a world of secret organizations in which her allegiance could mean the difference between freedom and subjugation not only for her, but for the entire country.
Traditor is a tale of adventure and romance in a society where government surveillance has grown out of control. The novel follows Mer’s transformation from a dutiful government worker to a Dissenter. Although initially intending to sabotage Bryn’s plans, Mer begins to reevaluate her beliefs when she discovers that the chip he carries was designed by Company Men to control people’s minds. Mer decides to turn traitor and fight to keep the chip safe until its existence can be made known. At the end of many adventures Bryn and Mer seem to be in the clear—until a comrade’s death leads to betrayal by one of their own.
First 250 Words:
She was never sure what woke her. Maybe there was a noise, something she couldn’t remember when she was fully awake. Maybe it was a sort of sixth sense, the feeling that lets you know you’re being watched from behind. Whatever it was, Mer opened her eyes just as the heavy moon hid its face behind a cloudbank.
She lay immobile for a moment. She often woke before her alarm, a product of years of conditioning, years of dreading the moment the buzzer would go off. Normally it was two or three minutes before, however. Judging from the darkness and the dead calm of her neighborhood Mer thought it must be much earlier: two at the very latest.
She should just go back to sleep. Maybe she ought to get up and take a pill? No, no need. Mer could feel fatigue pulling her under.
Her eyes had drifted shut, the wisps of dreams just beginning when she heard the creak.
Her first instinct was to sit up, but Mer forced herself to lie still. It was a neighbor, she told herself. Someone moving around their house downstairs.
There was another, softer this time. It’s the floorboards. This isn’t exactly a new place. Houses get old, houses groan. It’s nothing. Go back to bed.
Then she heard the creak again.
I was really engaged by your first 250 words. Good tension--I was worried about her! My one criticism would be to vary the wording on the last line so that it's not so similar to the earlier line: she heard the creak.
ReplyDeleteI think you've got a pretty solid query here. I get the feeling that it's part romance, part dystopian adventure, centered around Mer and Bryn. Sounds like a story I might really enjoy.
My suggestions are really just cosmetic:
*the first two sentences start with "when" which seems a little soft. See if you can rework the sentences to be more active and eliminate this word at least one of the two times.
*similarly, you've got some less active language in the second paragraph: "The novel follows Mer’s transformation" could be "Mer transforms . . ." Active verbs are more exciting, especially when you have do a lot with only a few words, as you do in a query.
*the second sentence is pretty long and convoluted. I wonder if you can get more punch out of by breaking it up a bit. Using some well chosen fragments, for example.
*you did a good job working in your story terminology with "Dissenter." I didn't end up with a good guess what the title of the book was going to end up meaning, and I was curious about that.
Really good writing, good tension in the pages. The query does bug me when it lapses into “telling” in the second paragraph, except it kinda works for me, because it gave me a really good idea what the book was about. You might be able to rework it without that aspect, but I’m not having a brainwave about it.
ReplyDeleteQuery:
ReplyDeleteWhen Mer York meets a charming man named Bryn in the park, she doesn’t suspect that he’s actually a civil disobedient—a Dissenter—on the run from the law. When government agents known as Company Men link her to him, Mer is thrust into a world of secret organizations in which her allegiance could mean the difference between freedom and subjugation not only for her, but for the entire country. (Maybe too long for the intro… take out “When gov. agents link her to him part, you could weave that into the next para…)
(Traditor, a 130,000 word Adult Science Fiction novel, is a tale of adventure and romance in a society where government surveillance has grown out of control._set this at end of query…maybe, I know some people like it there or at the very beginning…or do what you want, Lol!) The novel follows Mer’s transformation from a dutiful government worker to a Dissenter. Although initially intending to sabotage Bryn’s plans, Mer begins to reevaluate her beliefs when she discovers that the chip he carries was designed by Company Men to control people’s minds(How does she learn this?). Mer decides to turn traitor and fight to keep the chip safe until its existence can be made known. At the end of many adventures (this is too vague… give me detail, give me tension, give me the moment she must choose and what the choice could mean to her.) Bryn and Mer seem to be in the clear(also vague)—until a comrade’s death leads to betrayal by one of their own. (Do they get the chip to people who can expose the plot? Can they? Is that what they are trying to do?
This is incredibly clear, but I want to see it written…like the ms. Not just tell me what happens in the book, but TELL me. Does that make sense? I don’t know…
I’ll tweak a bit. So, in the second para…When the agents known as Company Men link her to the Dissenter, Mer initially intends to sabotage Bryn’s plan, but begins to reevaluate her beliefs…control people’s minds. Thrust into a world of secret organizations, she transforms from a dutiful worker to a Dissenter as she fights to keep the chip safe…
Then up the tension and the stakes. What are they trying to do…what do they face to do it?
First 250 Words:
She was never sure what woke her. Maybe there was a noise, something she couldn’t remember when she was fully awake. Maybe it was a sort of sixth sense, the feeling that lets you know you’re being watched from behind. (Ah, yes, I know that feeling!) Whatever it was, Mer opened her eyes just as the heavy moon hid its face behind a cloudbank.
She lay immobile for a moment. She often woke before her alarm, a product of years of conditioning, years of dreading the moment the buzzer would go off. (Good character development here!) Normally it was two or three minutes before, however. Judging from the darkness and the dead calm of her neighborhood Mer thought it must be much earlier: two at the very latest.
She should just go back to sleep. Maybe she ought to get up and take a pill? (A pill? A sleeping pill? Does she do that a lot?) No, no need. Mer could feel fatigue pulling her under.
Her eyes had drifted shut, the wisps of dreams just beginning when she heard the creak.
Her first instinct was to sit up, but Mer forced herself to lie still. It was a neighbor, she told herself. Someone moving around their house downstairs. (Is she getting nervous?)
There was another, softer this time. It’s the floorboards. This isn’t exactly a new place. Houses get old, houses groan. It’s nothing. Go back to bed. (Does she believe herself? Is sleep even possible now?)
Then she heard the creak again.
I like the beginning! It’s just what we all would do…explain it away, but growing ever more nervous…Something is going to happen…