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Monday, September 18, 2017

Son of a Pitch: Entry Six: Damaged Goods


For my regular readers, these are some special posts this week as part of a pitch contest I'm providing feedback for. My normal musings will return next week.

For participants, welcome to my blog! I'm happy to host you and excited to see what kinds of stories you've written. Please remember that only the author of this piece and the participating judges are supposed to comment. All other comments will be deleted.

We're Team Fluttershy! Because here on Balancing Act, we're both quite sweet unless you provoke us, in which case, we are terrifying.

You can check out other teams on the other hosting blogs: Rena Rocford (Rainbow Dash), Kathleen Ann Palm (Rarity), Elizabeth Roderick (Discord), Katie Hamstead Teller (Princess Luna)
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Title: (Damaged Goods)
Category and Genre: (YA Science Fiction)
Word Count: (100,000)

Query:

As if having a boy’s name isn’t bad enough, Joe is an unusually tall and brawny teenage girl with a debilitating stutter, trapped on a continent terrorized by a menacing army of child-snatchers from a neighboring continent. No one knows why they’re kidnapping the children; all Joe knows is she might be next.

Her people came as war refugees to this continent—Australia hundreds of years from now—where she is born, in secret, to her overprotective father. When her people spur an aggressive retaliation from the snatchers, they mount an attack that leaves Joe completely broken, without loved ones and an arm. With the enemy blocking all access to leave the continent, and her father no longer there to protect her, Joe has no choice but to push through her reclusive nature and post-traumatic stress disorder. The new friendships of a quirky, chatterbox boy and secret scientists give her the emotional and physical tools to battle the enemy, including a highly advanced prosthetic arm. With her joke-cracking ally, she embarks on a desperate quest to free her people from the horrors of the enemy.

Joe’s attention has been solely on the enemy, but she soon discovers something is very wrong with her own people, and worse, those she has trusted the most have been keeping her in the dark about how and why her people are on this continent and how it’s connected to everything about her down to her abnormal size.

First 250 Words:

AGE 14

The constriction around my neck has lessened over time. This doesn’t stop the sickening sweat that drenches me. I fear I’ll throw up. Choke.

Uncle Charly carries himself into the room like he’s stepping in from another dimension. Artificial lights tarnish his orange hair. Halos shine behind him. I gaze into Charly’s eyes. He doesn’t acknowledge my stare.

“Let’s give you some time to get used to not having that on,” Charly whispers after removing the neck brace. He looks away. I think my head will fall off my shoulders even though I’m lying flat. Sleep steals me away.

When I wake, an insect-like buzz vibrates in my ears as the top half of my bed inclines; Charly’s pushing a button. He gently squirts water into my mouth. “Can you try sitting up?”

I test my head—it doesn’t feel like it will topple anymore. I attempt to sit, but my body trembles like crazy.

“It’s normal, you haven’t used your muscles in months,” Charly says softly.

I try again. Something’s wrong. Now that the neck brace is not restricting, I finally look down.

A shudder jolts me.

In place of where my right arm should be, is empty air.

AGE 13

They came to reduce our numbers, again. Except this time, one of our soldiers rode up with a haunted face and two fingers in the air. It took my father a few seconds to figure out it meant two children were snatched away instead of one.

13 comments:

  1. Damaged Goods: The opening line is charming, giving me instant sympathy for Joe. I’d stop at “stutter” and start a new sentence, though, as the rest is about her situation, not her. Maybe in rewording, you can avoid using the word “continent” so many times. Two times in that first sentence and two times in the next paragraph. That’s a lot of repetition in a short piece. Remember that the query, besides conveying the basics of your story, also advertises your writing style and skill.

    I bumped on the wording of the first sentence in the second paragraph, the parenthetical introduction of Australia and the idea that she was born to her father (sounds like he gave birth to her). Try to keep the focus on Joe, so we have a reason to care about the war. Maybe on her relationship with her father, so we feel it more when we learn that she loses him.

    Given the dire tone of the opening paragraphs, I was surprised by the appearance of a chatterbox boy and joke-cracking allies. While you might have melded these two tones very deftly in the book itself, it’s a jarring juxtaposition in the query.

    Intriguing ending thought, though. Good to end on the mystery and leave us wanting to see it solved.

    In the 250 words, the telling feels very spare. That could be just right for the piece, especially since your heroine is recovering from major physical trauma in the scene. But I did balk a little at the idea that I’d see only that snippet, not even having learned the narrator’s name, age, or gender before I jump backwards in time an entire year. I’d have to read more to know if it works or not. Hope this helps!

    ReplyDelete
  2. #TeamRarity's Kathy stopping by! My comments are my opinions only. Take what thoughts inspire you and forget the rest.

    As if having a boy’s name isn’t bad enough, (age?) Joe is an unusually tall and brawny teenage girl with a debilitating stutter, (well, I like her already. What does she want out of life, what does she do?) trapped on a continent terrorized by a menacing army of child-snatchers from a neighboring continent. (Too many continents...is she trapped, or is that just where she lives? A menacing army of child-snatchers invade from a neighboring continent. How often do they come?) No one knows why they’re kidnapping the children; all Joe knows is she might be next. (Is this fear stopping her from living? Stopping her from doing something? Is her life just hoping to not get caught?)

    Her people came as war refugees to this continent—Australia hundreds of years from now (this is odd...you put that in to let us know, but you don't need it. It's distracting. Maybe describe the place a bit...barren and hopeless...something that will let us know how Joe feels about it.)—where she is born, in secret, to her overprotective father (So what happens to her mom?). When her people spur an aggressive retaliation (What did they do?!?!?!) from the snatchers, they mount an attack that leaves Joe completely broken, without loved ones and an arm. With the enemy blocking all access to leave the continent, and her father no longer there to protect her, Joe has no choice but to push through her reclusive nature and post-traumatic stress disorder (To do what? What does she want?). The new friendships of a quirky, chatterbox boy and secret scientists (Love these details about them!) give her the emotional and physical tools to battle the enemy, including a highly advanced prosthetic arm. With her joke-cracking ally, she embarks on a desperate quest to free her people from the horrors of the enemy. (so, they are going to go...what?...fight the child-snatchers? Take a boat to their homeland and ask them to stop? Learn why they do it?)

    Joe’s attention has been solely on the enemy, but she soon discovers something is very wrong with her own people (What? A tiny detail can help.), and worse, those she has trusted the most have been keeping her in the dark about how and why her people are on this continent and how it’s connected to everything about her down to her abnormal size. (That is very cool! So what are the stakes? What does she risk losing? What does the secret mean to her, how does it affect her?)


    ReplyDelete
  3. First 250 Words:

    AGE 14

    The constriction around my neck has lessened over time (like months time or minutes time?). This doesn’t stop the sickening sweat that drenches me. I fear I’ll throw up. Choke.

    Uncle Charly carries himself into the room like he’s stepping in from another dimension. (Nice!) Artificial lights tarnish his orange hair. Halos shine behind him. I gaze into Charly’s eyes. He doesn’t acknowledge my stare. (And that makes her feel how?)

    “Let’s give you some time to get used to not having that on,” Charly whispers after removing the neck brace. He looks away. I think my head will fall off my shoulders even though I’m lying flat. (Sights, sounds, Smells? Where are they? A neck brace...is there pain?)

    (New para?) Sleep steals me away.

    When I wake, an insect-like buzz vibrates in my ears as the top half of my bed inclines; Charly’s pushing a button. He gently squirts water into my mouth. “Can you try sitting up?”

    I test my head—it doesn’t feel like it will topple anymore. I attempt to sit, but my body trembles like crazy.

    “It’s normal, you haven’t used your muscles in months,” Charly says softly.

    I try again. Something’s wrong (because of Charly's actions?). Now that the neck brace is not restricting, I finally look down. (Make this sentence stronger. Without the restricting brace, I look down.)

    A shudder jolts me.

    In place of where my right arm should be, is empty air. (Crap.)

    AGE 13 (so this would be us learning how they lost their arm? There's not a lot in the beginning to let me get to know the mc, to let me care how they lost their arm, to want to know the story. I want to be in their head. I know things from the query, but if I hadn't read it...who is this in the bed? Why do I care? An accident? I have no feel for where they are, for what has happened? No sense of when.)

    They (They? Do they have a name?) came to reduce our numbers, again. Except this time, one of our soldiers rode up with a haunted face and two fingers in the air. It took my father (What does he look like?) a few seconds to figure out it meant two children were snatched away instead of one. (Setting...where are they? What is happening? Sights, sounds, smells. Does the ms go back and forth in the timeline throughout?)
    I like the premise. A great opportunity for a strong character arc!

    ReplyDelete
  4. *REVISED*

    Query:

    Joe is an unusually tall and brawny teenage girl with a debilitating stutter. She’s only pretending to be mute. She’s trapped on a continent terrorized by a menacing army of child-snatchers from neighboring lands. No one knows why they’re kidnapping the children; all Joe knows is she might be next.

    Joe’s people escaped as war refugees to what is Australia now, but in the future is a wasteland. The previous residents seemed to have vanished into the air. Secretly the overprotected daughter of the resistance leader, the only thing naïve Joe longs for is to live elsewhere with her beloved father and expects him to deliver them to safety. An enemy attack leaves her completely broken, without loved ones and one of her arms. The new friendships of a quirky, chatterbox boy and secret scientists give her the emotional and physical tools including a highly advanced prosthetic arm, to push through her post-traumatic stress disorder. She decides not to give up on life. With the enemy blocking all access to flee, and her father no longer there to protect her, Joe has no choice but to grow up fast and learn how to battle the mysterious enemy in order to free her people from the horrors of the child-snatching enemy.

    Joe’s attention has been solely on the enemy, but she soon discovers something is very wrong with her own people; they all seem to have shady recollections of their past. What’s worse, those she has trusted the most have been keeping her in the dark about how and why her people are on this continent and how it’s connected to everything about her, all the way down to her abnormal size.


    First 250:

    AGE 14
    Though the days have slipped through my consciousness like water, I can tell the constriction around my neck has lessened. This doesn’t stop the sickening fear that I’ll throw up. Choke.

    Uncle Charly carries himself into the room like he’s stepping in from another dimension. Artificial lights tarnish his orange hair. Halos shine behind him. I gaze into Charly’s eyes. He doesn’t acknowledge my stare. I burst into a chilled sweat. This lab inside the mountain is so cold, just like the people in it.

    “Let’s give you some time to get used to not having that on,” Charly whispers after removing the neck brace. He looks away. I think my head will fall off my shoulders even though I’m lying flat.

    Sleep steals me away.

    When I wake, Charly gently squirts water into my mouth. “Can you try sitting up?”

    I test my head—it doesn’t feel like it will topple anymore. I attempt to sit, but my body trembles like crazy.

    “It’s normal, you haven’t used your muscles in months,” Charly says softly.

    I try again. Something’s not right with my body. Without the restricting neck brace, I finally look down.

    A shudder jolts me.

    In place of where my right arm should be, is empty air.

    AGE 13
    They came to reduce our numbers, again. Except this time, one of our soldiers rode up with a haunted face and two fingers in the air. It took my father a few seconds to figure out it meant two children were snatched away instead of one.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Judges and even planners: These types of events help keep the fire burning. Thank you for putting this together for us and for your enthusiasm.
    If I may, here's my quick stab at vying for your vote. Joe's story has a lot of heart and innocence mixed with creepiness throughout. There are various twist and turns that readers did not see coming and enjoyed. Most important to me though, a girl with major self image issues(not too feminine, stutters, prosthetic arm) learns to embrace herself, shows what survival looks like, and does a little kicking butt along the way too.
    One thing I couldn't hold back blabbing about is for Kathy Palm. Joe will at one point in the story get a bad-to-the-bone half shaven hair-do like the one you sport in your pics. How's that for a stylish YA chick? Hee hee.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are so welcome! And BEST HAIRCUT EVER!

      Delete
    2. :)
      That was supposed to be *event* planners by the way, not *even*

      Delete

  6. Joe is an unusually tall and brawny teenage girl with a debilitating stutter. She’s only pretending to be mute. She’s trapped on a continent terrorized by a menacing army of child-snatchers from neighboring lands. No one knows why they’re kidnapping the children; all Joe knows is she might be next. (Nice! Conflict is set up.)

    (How long ago?) Joe’s people escaped as war refugees to what is Australia now, but in the future is a wasteland. The previous residents seemed to have vanished into the air. Secretly the overprotected daughter of the resistance leader, (*the only thing<not needed?) naïve Joe longs (*for is*cut) to live elsewhere with her beloved father (*and expects him to deliver them to safety<not needed?). An enemy attack leaves her completely broken, without loved ones and one of her arms. The new friendships of a quirky, chatterbox boy and secret scientists give her the emotional and physical tools(*,*<add) including a highly advanced prosthetic arm, to push through (deal with?) her post-traumatic stress disorder. She decides not to give up on life. (A stronger sentence here would be...She wants to live, to do what? To stop the child-stealers? To find peace?) With the enemy blocking all access to flee, and her father no longer there to protect her, Joe (*has no choice but to<needed?) grow up fast and learn how to battle the mysterious enemy in order to free her people from the horrors of the child-snatching enemy.

    Joe’s attention has been solely on the enemy, but she soon discovers something is very wrong with her own people; they all seem to have shady recollections of their past. (OH DUDE! That's cool!) What’s worse, those she (*has<not needed) trusted the most have been keeping her in the dark about how and why her people are on this continent and how it’s connected to everything about her, all the way down to her abnormal size. (So...she has information...she wants to fight the child-abductors...are they connected? Can one help her with the other? What choice does she face...what does it all mean for her?)


    First 250:

    AGE 14
    Though the days have slipped through my consciousness like water, I can tell the constriction around my neck has lessened. This doesn’t stop the sickening fear that I’ll throw up. Choke.

    Uncle Charly carries himself into the room like he’s stepping in from another dimension. Artificial lights tarnish his orange hair. Halos shine behind him. I gaze into Charly’s eyes. He doesn’t acknowledge my stare. I burst into a chilled sweat. This lab inside the mountain is so cold, just like the people in it.

    “Let’s give you some time to get used to not having that on,” Charly whispers after removing the neck brace. He looks away. I think my head will fall off my shoulders even though I’m lying flat.

    Sleep steals me away.

    When I wake, Charly gently squirts water into my mouth. “Can you try sitting up?”

    I test my head—it doesn’t feel like it will topple anymore. I attempt to sit, but my body trembles like crazy.

    “It’s normal, you haven’t used your muscles in months,” Charly says softly.

    I try again. Something’s not right with my body. Without the restricting neck brace, I finally look down.

    A shudder jolts me.

    In place of where my right arm should be, is empty air.

    AGE 13
    They came to reduce our numbers, again. Except this time, one of our soldiers rode up with a haunted face and two fingers in the air. It took my father a few seconds to figure out it meant two children were snatched away instead of one

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I forgot to comment on the first page. Lol! I like this better! Better set up of place. I would love to know if she remembers how she got there...what happened before...a hint...is she wondering if anyone else was hurt in whatever happened...Just thoughts...
      My one thing with the Age 13 bit...is that it took her father a few seconds, seems almost his POV...does she see his face change, does he say something? Or is it her that figures out what the fingers mean?

      Delete
    2. Excellent. Thanks once more for all the help!

      Delete
  7. (Two parts since I wrote a lot)

    Joe is an unusually tall and brawny teenage girl (At first I was like, “Why is her physicality important?” but then I see later that it is. But that said, I have no reference to compare her to and I don’t know why this would be important. Is she nine feet tall among an average of four feet? Is she two feet tall among an average of 12 inches? I’m stuck on this right now and that’s probably not a good thing.) with a debilitating stutter. She’s only pretending to be mute. (Why is she pretending to be mute and why is that important for us to know?) She’s trapped on a continent terrorized by a menacing army of child-snatchers from neighboring lands. No one knows why they’re kidnapping the children; all Joe knows is she might be next. (What are “they” doing to the children? Maybe they are taking them to Candyland!)

    Joe’s people escaped as war refugees to what is Australia now, but in the future is a wasteland (We don’t care that it’s Australia right now. We only care that it’s a wasteland. You can cover the Australia part in the book.) The previous residents seemed to have vanished into the air. (IS this important right now?) Secretly the overprotected daughter of the resistance leader (who’s the secret being kept from? And why is the resistance leader’s daughter a secret?), the only thing naïve Joe longs for is to live elsewhere with her beloved father and expects him to deliver them to safety (I don’t know how old she is, exactly, and how long they’ve been in this Wastetralia, so how much would she know about where safety is? Especially if she’s so overprotected.).

    An enemy attack leaves her completely broken, without loved ones and one of her arms (Recordscratch. Ok, this is superinteresting right now. Even though I think it needs to be re-written. Loss of loved ones is weak compared to LOSING A LIMB. Tell me more.). The new friendships of a quirky, chatterbox boy and secret scientists give her the emotional and physical tools including a highly advanced prosthetic arm, to push through her post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD is a ‘right-now’ buzz word. This is in the future and it’s pretty bleak…I’m not buying that it would be described this way.). She decides not to give up on life. With the enemy blocking all access to flee, and her father no longer there to protect her, Joe has no choice but to grow up fast and learn how to battle the mysterious enemy in order to free her people from the horrors of the child-snatching enemy.

    Joe’s attention has been solely on the enemy, but she soon discovers something is very wrong with her own people; they all seem to have shady recollections of their past. (Shady like…they maybe aren’t true? Shady like…they are not clear?) What’s worse, those she has trusted the most have been keeping her in the dark about how and why her people (I’m tired of them being called “her people.” Do they have a name? Americans? Blerters? Dominineros? Whatever it is, I think it’s better to have them identified. She’s not a queen, so they’re less “HER people” than they are…people.) are on this continent and how it’s connected to everything about her, all the way down to her abnormal size.
    (The first half of the query is bogged down in details we don’t really need at this moment. This is Nathan Bransford’s template and I think it’s a perfect starting place: [protagonist name] is a [description of protagonist] living in [setting]. But when [complicating incident], [protagonist name] must [protagonist’s quest] and [verb] [villain] in order to [protagonist’s goal].
    I think this sounds really really interesting though and I’m keen to see where you go from here!)


    ReplyDelete
  8. (Part 2)

    First 250:

    AGE 14
    Though the days have slipped through my consciousness like water (Cliché alert.), I can tell the constriction around my neck has lessened. This doesn’t stop the sickening fear that I’ll throw up. Choke.

    Uncle Charly carries himself into the room like he’s stepping in from another dimension. Artificial lights tarnish his orange hair. Halos shine behind him. I gaze into Charly’s eyes. He doesn’t acknowledge my stare. I burst into a chilled sweat. This lab inside the mountain is so cold, just like the people in it. (Liking it so far!)

    “Let’s give you some time to get used to not having that on,” Charly whispers after removing the neck brace. He looks away. I think my head will fall off my shoulders even though I’m lying flat.

    Sleep steals me away.

    When I wake, Charly gently squirts water into my mouth. “Can you try sitting up?”

    I test my head—it doesn’t feel like it will topple anymore. I attempt to sit, but my body trembles like crazy.

    “It’s normal, you haven’t used your muscles in months,” Charly says softly.

    I try again. Something’s not right with my body. Without the restricting neck brace, I finally look down.

    A shudder jolts me.

    In place of where my right arm should be, is empty air.


    AGE 13
    They came to reduce our numbers, again. Except this time, one of our soldiers rode up with a haunted face and two fingers in the air. It took my father a few seconds to figure out it meant two children were snatched away instead of one.

    (I like it so far. I’m not sure about starting with the ages and going backward. But that’s kind of minor. Thank you for submitting and please keep us posted!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bunches of thanks! I hadn't realized some things were coming across the way they are. I lol'd hard at Candyland and the Wastetralia. Now I'm really wishing I could use Wastetralia somehow ;)

      Delete