For my regular readers, these are some special posts this week as part of a pitch contest I'm providing feedback for. My normal musings will return next week.
For participants, welcome to my blog! I'm happy to host you and excited to see what kinds of stories you've written. Please remember that only the author of this piece and the participating judges are supposed to comment. All other comments will be deleted.
We're Team Fluttershy! Because here on Balancing Act, we're both quite sweet unless you provoke us, in which case, we are terrifying.
You can check out other teams on the other hosting blogs: Rena Rocford (Rainbow Dash), Kathleen Ann Palm (Rarity), Elizabeth Roderick (Discord), Katie Hamstead Teller (Princess Luna)
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Title: The SavageCategory and Genre: Adult / SciFi
Word Count: 109,000
Query:
Manu Talib always does the right thing. Always. Even Manu’s betrothed can’t tempt him to disobey the onerous rules of the all-powerful god Thoth. Manu achieves his wildest ambition when he prevails in a brutal set of trials and wins the right to join Thoth’s elite warriors. But when Thoth sends Manu to exterminate the savages living beyond the eastern border, Manu’s faith is set on a collision course with his conscience.
Manu is injured during the campaign and rescued by Rafiq, one of the heretics he was sent to slay. Rafiq’s kindness leads Manu to question his obedience to Thoth’s ruthless decrees. When Manu’s fellow soldiers discover them and kill Rafiq, an enraged Manu retaliates, killing one of his former comrades. Manu is sentenced to death for his crime, but escapes with the help of his betrothed and stows away on Thoth’s flying chariot.
Manu’s exile leads him to a centuries-old secret: Thoth is a fraud used by an advanced society to control Manu’s people. Left with no master but his conscience, Manu refuses to accept the murderous lie on which his society depends, even if exposing the truth means facing execution and risking the survival of his civilization.
First 250 Words:
Manu fidgeted on the cart’s high bench, eager for the caravan to depart. Father climbed up beside him, graceful despite his size, and gathered the reins.
“The Old Jackal’s nearly down,” Father said, nodding at the setting sun. “We’ll be leaving soon.”
“Do you think we’ll see any Eastlings?” Manu asked.
“I pray to Thoth we don’t. The supply depot is supposed to be well away from the fighting. We’ll have a couple of Judges with us, just in case.”
“Do you think we’ll see Hanif?”
“I don’t rightly know,” Father said. His eyes tightened. “But don’t you go talking to a Judge unless he talks to you first. Even if it’s your brother.”
“I’m not a child anymore. I’ll remember.”
The carts and wagons ahead began to move. Father snapped the reins gently. Their horse snorted, but lurched into a walk. The Old Jackal sank quickly, and soon Manu’s view was limited to the swaying circle of light cast by a lamp hanging from the cart in front of them. He squinted into the gloom but could see little but Father beside him, the horse ahead, and other circles of light bobbing in front and behind like luminous islands in a dark stream.
Manu's breath misted and clouded in the cool air. He leaned back against the forage sacks filling the cart bed. Hay stalks poked through the burlap and tickled his cheeks around the edges of his keffiyeh. At least the makeshift cushion provided some warmth.
Hello from Kathy at #TeamRarity! My comments are my opinions only. Please take from them the ideas that inspire you and ignore the rest!
ReplyDelete(age?) Manu Talib always does the right thing. Always. Even Manu’s betrothed can’t tempt him to disobey the onerous rules of the all-powerful god Thoth. Manu achieves his wildest ambition when he prevails in a brutal set of trials and wins the right to join Thoth’s elite warriors. But when Thoth sends Manu to exterminate the savages living beyond the eastern border, Manu’s faith is set on a collision course with his conscience. (Nice!)
Manu is injured during the campaign and rescued by Rafiq, one of the heretics he was sent to slay. Rafiq’s kindness leads Manu to question his obedience to Thoth’s ruthless decrees. When Manu’s fellow soldiers discover them and kill Rafiq, an enraged Manu retaliates, killing one of his former comrades. Manu is sentenced to death for his crime, but escapes with the help of his betrothed and stows away on Thoth’s flying chariot. (Great! Nice conflict and character development. So he goes where on the chariot?)
Manu’s exile leads him to a centuries-old secret: Thoth is a fraud used by an advanced society to control Manu’s people. (Dude...cool! Is this where the sci-fi comes in, with the advanced people...cause feels fantasy, not sci-fi.) Left with no master but his conscience, Manu refuses to accept (but what is the choice, what is the moment of decision? What ways could he go? He can accept the lie and let his people go on living the lie...or fight and expose the truth and risk execution and the survival of his people.) the murderous lie on which his society depends, even if exposing the truth means facing execution and risking the survival of his civilization.
Pretty solid query! I understand the story. It sounds like a fun ride.
First 250 Words:
Manu fidgeted on the cart’s high bench, eager for the caravan to depart. (Excited? Why? A hint at what is coming, maybe?) Father climbed up beside him, graceful despite his size, and gathered the reins.
“The Old Jackal’s nearly down,” Father said, nodding at the setting sun. “We’ll be leaving soon.”
“Do you think we’ll see any Eastlings?” Manu asked. (Is this bad? Should we be scared? Has he seen any?)
“I pray to Thoth we don’t. The supply depot is supposed to be well away from the fighting. (Oh...a war!) We’ll have a couple of Judges with us, just in case.”
“Do you think we’ll see Hanif?” (How does he say this? How is he feeling? Is seeing Hanif a good thing or a bad thing?)
“I don’t rightly know,” Father said. His eyes tightened. “But don’t you go talking to a Judge unless he talks to you first. Even if it’s your brother.” (Oh! His brother!)
“I’m not a child anymore. I’ll remember.” (How does he react...give me thoughts and feelings so I can get to know him.)
The carts and wagons ahead began to move. Father snapped the reins gently. (Can you snap things gently?) Their horse snorted, but lurched into a walk. The Old Jackal sank quickly, and soon Manu’s view was limited to the swaying circle of light cast by a lamp hanging from the cart in front of them. He squinted into the gloom but could see little but Father beside him, the horse ahead, and other circles of light bobbing in front and behind like luminous islands in a dark stream.
Manu's breath misted and clouded in the cool air. He leaned back against the forage sacks filling the cart bed. Hay stalks poked through the burlap and tickled his cheeks around the edges of his keffiyeh. At least the makeshift cushion provided some warmth.
Good worldbuilding with the language! I am intrigued by the war...by the Eastlings, but I am not set with the mc. I want to know him better. I want to hear his thoughts and feel his feelings. Who is he? What does he want? What does he fear? Where are they going? Every tiny detail about how he acts, reacts, what he says...will build his character and we'll want to know him more.
Thanks so much for your comments! Manu has, from a writing perspective, been a challenge as a MC. He is almost defined by his stoicism. It's been a real balancing act to keep that character trait without 'hiding' him from the reader. I very much appreciate your suggestions at places where I could improve on that.
DeleteThat is to say, "almost defined by his stoicism in some ways." In others, he's almost too expressive.
DeleteThe Savage: The Query: Great opening sentences! You just know that he’s going to either do the wrong thing or do the right thing and have it called wrong. I bumped when we moved from his betrothed back into the ambitions, trails, and warrior assignment, like you’d pointed at “the betrothed” and then went on as if they had not been mentioned. I was expecting to hear about their attempt to get him to disobey.
ReplyDeleteBecause it went a different way than I felt I was being led, I didn’t connect as well to the next paragraphs detailing his rise to power and assignment. Try not to let that plot description become too generalized and philosophical. Keep it grounded in the character and what it means to him. “Faith on a collision course with his conscience” is an interesting angle.
I recommend getting back to that simple and direct phrasing that I loved in the opening lines when talking about the introduction of doubt into the mind of a man who has never doubted before.
When the betrothed came back in, I bumped again. I think you either need to make more of the betrothed in this query or leave them out entirely. They seem an extraneous element to what you’ve described otherwise. Remember that the query doesn’t need to and shouldn’t try to cover ALL the elements of your story, just the heart of it. The betrothed may be important to the whole book, but their role is extraneous in this summary. Just a distraction.
250 words: I don’t have many suggestions about the words. You manage to work in a bit of family and community dynamics and setting very quickly. You might reconsider “fidgeted” as that makes Manu sounds very young, and I think (from other context) that he’s at least near manhood. Otherwise, I think it’s a good start.
Thanks so much. Great feedback, and very helpful.
DeleteThis entry has my vote.
ReplyDeleteYou could cut the query down to the first paragraph and it would be perfect. All you need is the blurb. This is burlesque. It's a tease, not the whole show.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the feeback! I really appreciate your (and all the other authors') time and effort in reviewing so many entries and commenting on each one.
Delete