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Category and Genre: Adult Gaslight Fantasy
Word Count: 35,000
Query:
No Rest for the Wicked is the tale of con woman forced out of retirement when her last job comes back to haunt her...literally.
Vi thought her days of grifting and dealing with the dead were over when she left Peter eating steam on a Chicago train platform. No one west of the Mississippi should know she sees ghosts, but a dead stranger still shows up at her doorstep. Transparent hat in hand, he begs her to recover his buried gold to pay his debt and save a life. What should be an easy buck turns into racing horses, cheating at cards, and tangling with bandits, all before lunch.
Once she figures out who tipped off the ghost, Vi must face the past she thought she’d buried. Peter reveals himself post-mortem to warn her of enemies bent on luring her back to New Orleans and willing to murder to get what they want. Neither distance nor death has tamed Peter’s love, and even in his ghostly state he’s determined to do what he can to keep her safe. Vi may play the “damsel in distress” for a con, but she won’t let herself be rescued if she can earn his forgiveness and help him cross over. She may have broken his heart, but she decides to atone for the only deception she’s ever regretted—even if it kills her.
First 250 Words:
Viola Thorne couldn’t pinpoint the reason she preferred to bathe by moonlight. Perhaps it was the quiet chirps of the crickets, or the splash of stars above her head, but something about the nights here at the end of the world called out to her.
Steam rose off the water, eddying around her head and shoulders while the rest of her luxuriated in the gentle currents. A half-empty bottle of whiskey sat near a waxed paper parcel on the rim of her soaking niche. She reached inside and pulled out a fragrant hunk of soap. This was the last of what she’d brought from back East, and there was no telling when she’d be able to get more, but Vi worked the bubbles through her hair with gusto. The smell of lilacs rose from the lather to combat the reek of rotten eggs. She breathed it deep into her lungs as she closed her eyes against the tide of foam.
A gentle sensation as light and dangerous as hornet wings fluttered on the back of her neck and slowed her hands. Miles away from anywhere anyone might possibly want to go, she should have been safe from prying eyes even in daylight. Unwilling to let the peeping Tom know she was on to him, Vi went back to washing her hair, listening for the whisper of cloth as the infiltrator approached. If it came down to it, she could always reach out with her other senses, but only as a last resort.
Your query is pretty tight and strong as presented. I feel like I have a good understanding of the story, and am intrigued by the hints of humor and promise of adventure in these lines. The only part I’d adjust is the ending of the third paragraph. I feel like the last two sentences are two different takes on the same thing: her motivation for helping Peter’s ghost. In my opinion the second version “She may have broken his heart . . .” is the stronger one, so I’d cut the “Vi may play . . .” sentence in favor of it.
ReplyDeleteFirst 250 words: That’s quite an opening image, this woman washing by moonlight in a hot spring. I bumped on a few details that probably come down to sentence structure and flow issues: did she reach inside the whiskey bottle to get the soap? It sounds that way on a first read; what is the rotten eggs smell? I think it’s probably the hot springs, but wondered if it was supposed to indicate something about what had gotten into her hair or the presence of supernatural things; wasn’t sure if she felt a literal or metaphorical sensation on the back of her neck.
It’s interesting that she doesn’t seem especially unnerved by the idea that someone is there, more just annoyed. The mention of “other senses” is a nice tease.
Thanks for participating in our query contest. I hope you find the feedback helpful! -SB
Yeah, I realized reading through the query again once it was posted that I had accidentally made the last two sentences too similar. Thanks for point that out!
DeleteAnd you know, the grammar of that bit with whiskey and the soap is annoying. I was told by an editor that if there is an "it" in a sentence following one with two objects, the "it" (real or inferred) of the next sentence HAD to refer to the second object rather than the subject of the first sentence (in this case, the whiskey bottle) because of proximity. This was not what I was taught in school, but she was the editor, so...?
I'll go in and make the rotten egg reference (the hot spring itself) clearer. I cut a sentence or two in the first 250 to get to that teaser line about her "other senses" to fit for the sake of this event, but I'll definitely look at it again because you aren't the only person who mentioned it.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and leave feedback!
What do you think of this instead:
DeleteA waxed paper parcel kept a half-empty bottle of whiskey company on the rim of her soaking niche. She reached inside the package and pulled out a fragrant hunk of soap—the last of what she’d brought from back East. There was no telling when she’d be able to get more, but she worked the bubbles through her hair and scalp with gusto. The smell of lilacs rose from the lather to combat the reek of rotten eggs wafting from the hot spring. She breathed the floral scent deep into her lungs as she closed her eyes against the tide of foam.
That definitely takes care of those two sentence flow problems for me. Much clearer!
DeleteQuery:
ReplyDeleteNo Rest for the Wicked is the tale of con woman forced out of retirement when her last job comes back to haunt her...literally.
(the tale of a con woman? And dude...I'm there!)
Vi thought her days of grifting and dealing with the dead were over when she left Peter (Who's Peter?) eating steam on a Chicago train platform. (HAHA!) No one west of the Mississippi should know she sees ghosts, but a dead stranger still shows up at her doorstep. Transparent hat in hand, he begs her to recover his buried gold to pay his debt and save a life. What should be an easy buck turns into racing horses, cheating at cards, and tangling with bandits, all before lunch.
(I love the voice! The humor is great, and I love ghosts!)
Once she figures out who tipped off the ghost, Vi must face the past she thought she’d buried. (So someone from her past told the ghost where she was? Someone dead? Who? Why?) Peter reveals himself post-mortem to warn her of enemies (Who? Why are they after her?) bent on luring her back to New Orleans and willing to murder to get what they want. (What do they want?) Neither distance nor death has tamed Peter’s love, and even in his ghostly state he’s determined to do what he can to keep her safe. Vi may play the “damsel in distress” for a con (How is she a con woman? Did she use her gift of seeing ghosts to manipulate?), but she won’t let herself be rescued if she can earn his forgiveness and help him cross over. She may have broken his heart, but she decides to atone for the only deception she’s ever regretted—even if it kills her.
(So what is the decision she faces? Peter seems to still love her, but he hasn't forgiven her? And stakes..whatever she decides it could kill her? I do wonder about what she did as a con...and how that links to seeing ghosts? What does Vi want...to be left alone, but then what...to help Peter? What is standing in her way? These people who want to kill her? The premise sounds like fun. The voice is great!)
Hiya! Thanks for your feedback. I am not really sure what to do with all the questions you asked along the way, because if I had answered them in the text of the query then it would be twice as long, and everyone says brevity is the key. Part of the point is to leave them hungry to find out those sorts of answers, isn't it? Or am I off-base here?
DeleteVi's "state of perfection" is being left alone in her personal hot spring (that's the rotten egg smell), and the 9-book story will get her back there again, but she has to get from CA to LA, then NY. There is a LOT that is withheld even from the characters (and reader) in the first book, so they don't have the answers to a lot of your questions yet, either. For instance, all the characters/the reader knows by the end is that there are people who want Vi's alias back in New Orleans, but not WHY until they get there in a later book.
Yes, Peter is "the past" and post-mortem means dead. He told the prospector ghost where to find her to make sure she would still talk to a dead person even though she clearly wanted to leave that life behind. (I was referring to him as her 'partner' in that first line for a while, but that seemed to make people think they were lovers, which they never actually were.)
The folks in New Orleans are after her because her last con was a phony marriage and she took a bunch of the guy's money and estate and ran off (same job where she left Peter behind). The hubby is dead. That is the extent of what they know at the end of this book.
But, so you know, dead hubby was part of a conspiracy, so his cronies want to get control of his money for their nefarious schemes that aren't even revealed until Book 4 in the series. The bad dudes don't know anything about Vi's special powers when the story begins, though the dead are at the center of their plot.
They thought Peter knew where she was, so they tortured him to death. Vi isn't actually all that sorry she left him the way she did (when she first sees him, though this guilt grows in Book 2, but Vi doesn't do feelings very well so it mostly makes her surly with him), but she's sorry he died protecting her even though she was so horrible to him. So helping him cross over is her penance.
And yes, she was a con woman first, then she started to talk to ghosts and in the course of helping them finish their "unfinished business" she would steal other stuff and use it against people. In this book, for instance, she only agrees to help the ghost when he promises her some of his gold.
Thanks again!
I'm glad you like the premise :) I've been having a blast writing this character and setting!
Viola Thorne couldn’t pinpoint the reason she preferred to bathe by moonlight. Perhaps it was the quiet chirps of the crickets, or the splash of stars above her head, but something about the nights here at the end of the world called out to her. (Beautiful! I'm right there with her.)
ReplyDeleteSteam rose off the water, eddying around her head and shoulders while the rest of her luxuriated in the gentle currents. A half-empty bottle of whiskey sat near a waxed paper parcel on the rim of her soaking niche. She reached inside and pulled out a fragrant hunk of soap. This was the last of what she’d brought from back East, and there was no telling when she’d be able to get more, but Vi worked the bubbles through her hair with gusto. The smell of lilacs rose from the lather to combat the reek of rotten eggs. She breathed it deep into her lungs as she closed her eyes against the tide of foam. (More great imagery. What did she do to smell like rotten eggs?)
A gentle sensation as light and dangerous as hornet wings fluttered on the back of her neck and slowed her hands. Miles away from anywhere anyone might possibly want to go, she should have been safe from prying eyes even in daylight. Unwilling to let the peeping Tom know she was on to him, Vi went back to washing her hair, listening for the whisper of cloth as the infiltrator approached. If it came down to it, she could always reach out with her other senses, but only as a last resort. (I am intrigued! Other senses...yes! I don't have much to say. I get the feeling that she just wants to be left alone, but that won't happen. Maybe a thought about what she had left behind in life...what she had finally stopped or given up.)
Vi is sort of tricky to write, and with everything from her POV it colors the narration because, frankly, she does a lot of repressing and lying to herself about her own motivations.
Delete"Who is Viola Thorne" or more precisely "who WAS Viola Thorne, and who will she now become?" is a big question of the series, and her past is only revealed in tantalizing tidbits and offhand remarks that (hopefully) come back around later to make the reader go "Whoa! Now I get it!"
Thanks again for taking the time to read and leave feedback!!
From the wonderful Elsie Elmore...via me!
ReplyDeleteNo Rest for the Wicked is the tale of con woman forced out of retirement when her last job comes back to haunt her...literally.( made me smirk reading that :)
Vi thought her days of grifting and dealing with the dead were over when she left Peter eating steam on a Chicago train platform. No one west of the Mississippi should know she sees ghosts, but a dead stranger still shows up at her doorstep. Transparent hat in hand, he begs her to recover his buried gold to pay his debt and save a life. What should be an easy buck turns into racing horses, cheating at cards, and tangling with bandits, all before lunch.( love this)
Once she figures out who tipped off the ghost, Vi must face the past she thought she’d buried. Peter reveals himself post-mortem to warn her of enemies bent on luring her back to New Orleans and willing to murder to get what they want. Neither distance nor death has tamed Peter’s love, and even in his ghostly state he’s determined to do what he can to keep her safe. Vi may play the “damsel in distress” for a con, but she won’t let herself be rescued. She may have broken his heart, but she decides to atone for the only deception she’s ever regretted by helping him cross over—even if it kills her.
I love the query. Swapped a few words in the last line. But this is Just fabulous!!
First 250 Words:
So I love this so much and have but one question. Is the egg smell coming from the presence of the intruder or is she washing it from her hair? You know hell fire brimstone with evil - (I opted not to include your first 250 with comments because I mostly added – great line – nice detail – and the likes. ) I wish I had more to read! Awesome job!
Thanks so much for your feedback. That rotten egg thing will be the death of me. It's the hot spring, they smell like Sulphur because they are volcanic. I took out a line that used the word "Sulphur" to get my teaser about "other senses" into the first 250, and apparently it is super necessary to put back in because you are the third person who asked me about it! heheh
DeleteI like the word-swap in the last line of the query :)
Thanks again for your feedback and your kind words about my opening. If the book doesn't get picked up (being a novella I know the chances are slim) I will definitely be self-publishing the series starting this summer.
This entry has one of my votes.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much!!!
Delete