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Title: FOUNT OF POWER
Age and Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 90,000
Query:
In most ways, Tessa resembles the destitute masses of Avende. The Harian army drove her from her home, pillaged her nation and separated her from her beloved older brother, Aldo. She yearns for the same things as everyone else – to lead a normal life and for the recent peace treaty to last.
But unlike her fellow Avendese, Tessa possess Harian magic. Aldo forced her to use her powers to recruit soldiers to the Harian side, making them both traitors. If her true nature is discovered, she’ll hang for treason.
She needs to find Aldo and escape Avende as soon as possible, but the only person willing to help her is Captain Jerome Redat. An Avendese war hero, Redat gallantly offers her a job with his refugee company. Starving and out of options, Tessa accepts. But working with the Avendese military puts Tessa in constant danger of discovery. And as her feelings for Redat grow more tender, she’s not even sure she wants to escape anymore.
But when Aldo tracks her down, it’s clear that hiding her abilities will no longer be an option. Aldo and the recently defeated Harians are already marshalling their numbers, but they’ll need Tessa’s powers if they want to succeed. And joining them would mean far more than losing Redat. It would mean another war.
First 250 Words:
Tessa’s basement window let in the faintest smear of sunset, just bright enough to illuminate the dust in the air. Outside, footsteps tromped in unison along the cobbled streets. The Avendese soldiers marched through their evening rounds, making certain no one remained on the streets of Sarcey past curfew. Ocean air blew through the brick walls, tracing damp tendrils along Tessa’s skin. There would be snow again tonight.
But neither the wind nor the soldiers concerned Tessa, their rumblings as familiar as the ache of hunger. Her ears were primed for a stealthier, more malicious foe. She might have ferreted it out already, but the little boy nestled against her side was restless.
Chay shivered, rubbing his hands until flame sparked at his fingertips. “C’mon, Tessa.” His breath curled in a frosty puff. “Let’s light the fire.”
“Not yet.” Tessa placed a finger against his chapped lips. “I know I heard something."
Chay sighed, but with a shake of Tessa’s head, he pressed his hands together and extinguished the conjured flames. Bless him, he hated disappointing her, even though he didn’t understand her worries. She pulled him close, trying to squeeze him warm.
Thdd… Thdd…
The soft thrum of water against wood.
“Do you hear that?” Tessa’s grip tightened around Chay.
“No.” He stifled a yawn.
“A leak. There’s a leak in the flat.”
Sages, how was she supposed to plug a hole in the roof? Now they might freeze to death before the soldiers even got a chance to shoot them.
Query...
ReplyDeleteIn most ways, Tessa resembles the destitute masses of Avende. (How does she resemble them? What is her life like?) The Harian army drove her from her home, pillaged her nation and separated her from her beloved older brother, Aldo. She yearns for the same things as everyone else – to lead a normal life and for the recent peace treaty to last.
But unlike her fellow Avendese, Tessa possess Harian magic. Aldo forced her to use her powers to recruit soldiers to the Harian side, making them both traitors. If her true nature is discovered, she’ll hang for treason. (So she lives in Avende, but has magic from Harian? Do Avendese have magic? If so, how are they different? And why did they work for the enemy, for the ones who destroyed their home? What drove them to do that?)
She needs to find Aldo and escape Avende as soon as possible, but the only person willing to help her is Captain Jerome Redat. An Avendese war hero, Redat gallantly offers her a job with his refugee company. Starving and out of options, Tessa accepts. But working with the Avendese military puts Tessa in constant danger of discovery. And as her feelings for Redat grow more tender, she’s not even sure she wants to escape anymore.
But when Aldo tracks her down, it’s clear that hiding her abilities will no longer be an option. What are her abilities?) Aldo and the recently defeated Harians are already marshalling their numbers, but they’ll need Tessa’s powers if they want to succeed. And joining them would mean far more than losing Redat. It would mean another war. (NOOOOO! Mostly it's details I want...her powers, what her life is like at first. Why does she have Harian magic if she is Avendese? And why would she join them at the end? Why would she want the Harians to succeed? But a world with magic? I'm in. Tessa sounds like a cool character.)
First 250...
Tessa’s basement window let in the faintest smear of sunset (love this!), just bright enough to illuminate the dust in the air. (In the basement, what does it look like? Why are they in the basement?) Outside, footsteps tromped in unison along the cobbled streets. The Avendese soldiers marched through their evening rounds, making certain no one remained on the streets of Sarcey past curfew. Ocean air blew through the brick walls, tracing damp tendrils along Tessa’s skin. There would be snow again tonight. (A good set up of her life, however, I want to here her in there too. You give me her name, then go into description and I kept wanting to hear her thoughts, to feel the world under her fingers, to see the sun on her skin.)
But neither the wind nor the soldiers concerned Tessa, their rumblings as familiar as the ache of hunger. Her ears were primed for a stealthier, more malicious foe. (Foe? What foe?) She might have ferreted it out already, but the little boy nestled against her side was restless.
Chay shivered, rubbing his hands until flame sparked at his fingertips. “C’mon, Tessa.” His breath curled in a frosty puff. “Let’s light the fire.”
“Not yet.” Tessa placed a finger against his chapped lips. “I know I heard something."
Chay sighed, but with a shake of Tessa’s head, he pressed his hands together and extinguished the conjured flames. Bless him, he hated disappointing her, even though he didn’t understand her worries. She pulled him close, trying to squeeze him warm.
Thdd… Thdd…
The soft thrum of water against wood.
“Do you hear that?” Tessa’s grip tightened around Chay.
“No.” He stifled a yawn.
“A leak. There’s a leak in the flat.”
Sages, how was she supposed to plug a hole in the roof? Now they might freeze to death before the soldiers even got a chance to shoot them. (I thought she wasn't worried about the soldiers...but they're going to shoot them? And a leak...dude, I thought something was coming to get them. I'd like to know Tessa better, a few thoughts about what she wants, what she hates about life...something. But I love the conversation with Chay...I do wonder what he looks like. BUT MAGIC YEA YEA YEA!)
For reasons I cannot comprehend, my blog doesn't like Elsie Elmore and won't let her comment here. She's wonderful, so I can't imagine why that would be.
ReplyDeleteHere's her feedback for you:
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Query:
In most ways,(AGE?) Tessa resembles the destitute masses of Avende. The Harian army drove her from her home, pillaged her nation and separated her from her beloved older brother, Aldo. (Fabulous job setting the mood) She yearns for the same things as everyone else – to lead a normal life and for the recent peace treaty to last.
But unlike her fellow Avendese, Tessa possess Harian magic. (Hold up… Isn’t that who pillaged her nation? )Aldo forced her to use her powers to recruit soldiers to the Harian side, making them both traitors. If her true nature is discovered, she’ll hang for treason. (Why would she recruit soldiers for the opposing side? Feel like I’m missing something
She needs to find Aldo and escape Avende as soon as possible, but the only person willing to help her is Captain Jerome Redat. An Avendese war hero, Redat gallantly offers her a job with his refugee company. Starving and out of options, Tessa accepts. But working with the Avendese military puts Tessa in constant danger of discovery. And as her feelings for Redat grow more tender, she’s not even sure she wants to escape anymore. (great paragraph. Conflict, connections, emotions – all great. Last line very effective for me)
But when Aldo tracks her down, hiding her abilities will no longer be an option. Aldo and the recently defeated Harians are already marshalling their numbers, but they’ll need Tessa’s powers if they want to succeed. And joining them would mean far more than losing Redat. It would mean another war. (great stakes! But in this last paragraph, it sounds like Aldo is working with Harians. I think this point needs to be explained earlier when she remarks they would both be traitors.
This is off to a great start. The voice is solid and the stakes strong. Best of luck.
First 250 Words:
Tessa’s basement window let in the faintest smear of sunset, just bright enough to illuminate the dust in the air. Outside, footsteps tromped in unison along the cobbled streets. The Avendese soldiers marched through their evening rounds, making certain no one remained on the streets of Sarcey past curfew. Ocean air blew through the brick walls, tracing damp tendrils along Tessa’s skin. There would be snow again tonight.
But neither the wind nor the soldiers concerned Tessa, their rumblings as familiar as the ache of hunger. Her ears were primed for a stealthier, more malicious foe. She might have ferreted (it- what is it? out already, but the little boy nestled against her side was restless.
Chay shivered, rubbing his hands until flame sparked at his fingertips. “C’mon, Tessa.” His breath curled in a frosty puff. “Let’s light the fire.”
“Not yet.” Tessa placed a finger against his chapped lips. “I know I heard something."
Chay sighed, but with a shake of Tessa’s head, he pressed his hands together and extinguished the conjured flames. Bless him, he hated disappointing her, even though he didn’t understand her worries. She pulled him close, trying to squeeze him warm.
Thdd… Thdd…
The soft thrum of water against wood.
“Do you hear that?” Tessa’s grip tightened around Chay.
“No.” He stifled a yawn.
“A leak. There’s a leak in the flat.”
Sages, how was she supposed to plug a hole in the roof? Now they might freeze to death before the soldiers even got a chance to shoot them.
Lovely, just lovely. Sight, sounds, thoughts worries are woven in a story that makes me want to read more. I like the tenderness, the tension and magic. All good. I think your query needs a little tinkering, but your 250 are great.
All suggestions are IMHO and are meant to be thought provoking, maybe helpful, but not gospel. Take ‘em, leave ‘em. This is your rodeo, so it’s up to you. Best of luck
This one has my vote!
ReplyDeleteI couldn't post my votes until now (I'm a schoolteacher by day). But this piece has my vote! From Team Megara!
ReplyDeletehttps://38.media.tumblr.com/7a5a7a68f496d3b5620b3825ac581f45/tumblr_mys4zuIwfM1s4ip2qo1_500.gif
Yaaaay! Thank you both so much! I'm working on revisions right now. Hopefully I don't change it TOO much!
ReplyDelete