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Age and Genre: Adult contemporary romance
Word Count: 74,000
Query:
Marie Christie’s ex-boyfriend is a dirtball. When given the opportunity to escape his drama for her oldest friend’s destination wedding inScotland, she pounces. The trip gives her a chance to heal her heart and earn the coveted *I don’t need a man card*. Nothing can stop her. Well, except for the hot Scot tour guide she has to spend a week with on a small tour bus. Exploring Scotland with the most delicious kilted man in the British Isles makes protecting her heart and keeping her distance…complicated. Marie must steel herself against his charms and focus on returning to her life back home because she needs to support her sister since their flake of a mother won’t stick around long enough to do it.
Oliver Stuart has the chance of a lifetime to expand his tour business and offer his part-time guides full-time jobs, unless rival beats him to the opportunity of a lifetime. Not to mention the distracting American lass he can’t get out of his mind. Add a bus full of well-meaning busybodies playing matchmaker (and a few trying to get in the way) and they’ve got a wild holiday in Scotland. They can’t deny their burning attraction, but they live an ocean apart and can’t ignore their responsibilities at home.
First 250 Words:
Whisky flavored condoms? Marie chuckled as she reached in her purse to snag a few coins for the vending machine. Her first day in Scotland and she’d already found the perfect souvenirs for her friends. The toilets may not be clean at this Glasgow pub, but at least it offered flavored prophylactics in festive packaging.
She admired the red and orange tartan cardboard packages as she exited the bathroom. Her body slammed into a hard chest. She tore her eyes away from the packets and looked up. "Excuse me. I'm sorry, I-"
A curly haired sexpot with eyes as bright as the Caribbean Sea gifted her with a wicked grin.
Her first thought? She wanted to jump up and wrap her arms and legs around him.
Second thought? Don’t. That's inappropriate behavior.
Third thought? Wuss.
She stared at him and watched his eyes lower to the ridiculous handful of condom packets she pressed into his chest.
"Hoping to pull?" he said with a toe-curling brogue.
"Pull? No, these are souvenirs." A laugh bubbled up and escaped her throat in the form of something far too close to a squeak. "These are hilarious. Back home the condom machines don't have anything as fancy as this."
He grinned down at her. She appreciated that he was at least six inches taller than her. “The flavored ones are only in the machines. I prefer the plain ones.”
Word Count: 74,000
Query:
Marie Christie’s ex-boyfriend is a dirtball. When given the opportunity to escape his drama for her oldest friend’s destination wedding inScotland, she pounces. The trip gives her a chance to heal her heart and earn the coveted *I don’t need a man card*. Nothing can stop her. Well, except for the hot Scot tour guide she has to spend a week with on a small tour bus. Exploring Scotland with the most delicious kilted man in the British Isles makes protecting her heart and keeping her distance…complicated. Marie must steel herself against his charms and focus on returning to her life back home because she needs to support her sister since their flake of a mother won’t stick around long enough to do it.
Oliver Stuart has the chance of a lifetime to expand his tour business and offer his part-time guides full-time jobs, unless rival beats him to the opportunity of a lifetime. Not to mention the distracting American lass he can’t get out of his mind. Add a bus full of well-meaning busybodies playing matchmaker (and a few trying to get in the way) and they’ve got a wild holiday in Scotland. They can’t deny their burning attraction, but they live an ocean apart and can’t ignore their responsibilities at home.
First 250 Words:
Whisky flavored condoms? Marie chuckled as she reached in her purse to snag a few coins for the vending machine. Her first day in Scotland and she’d already found the perfect souvenirs for her friends. The toilets may not be clean at this Glasgow pub, but at least it offered flavored prophylactics in festive packaging.
She admired the red and orange tartan cardboard packages as she exited the bathroom. Her body slammed into a hard chest. She tore her eyes away from the packets and looked up. "Excuse me. I'm sorry, I-"
A curly haired sexpot with eyes as bright as the Caribbean Sea gifted her with a wicked grin.
Her first thought? She wanted to jump up and wrap her arms and legs around him.
Second thought? Don’t. That's inappropriate behavior.
Third thought? Wuss.
She stared at him and watched his eyes lower to the ridiculous handful of condom packets she pressed into his chest.
"Hoping to pull?" he said with a toe-curling brogue.
"Pull? No, these are souvenirs." A laugh bubbled up and escaped her throat in the form of something far too close to a squeak. "These are hilarious. Back home the condom machines don't have anything as fancy as this."
He grinned down at her. She appreciated that he was at least six inches taller than her. “The flavored ones are only in the machines. I prefer the plain ones.”
Hi! I'm the Scotland-obsessed writer who submitted this entry. Just popping by to say hi, and, well, creep a little. (http://data2.whicdn.com/images/19323722/original.gif)
ReplyDeleteThank you to all the authors leaving feedback for us! We deeply appreciate your time and comments.
I'm @lisaleoni on Twitter :)
For reasons I cannot comprehend, my blog doesn't like Elsie Elmore and won't let her comment. Here's her feedback:
ReplyDelete___________________________________
Query: Marie Christie’s ex-boyfriend is a dirtball.(great first line and hook) When given the opportunity to escape his drama for her oldest friend’s destination wedding in Scotland, she pounces(on the chance – kinda feel like an object is needed in there). The trip gives her a chance to heal her heart, **escape the responsibilities her mother refuses to accept, and earn the coveted *I don’t need a man card*. Nothing can stop her. Well, except for the hot Scot (love that – hot Scot) tour guide she has to spend a week with on a small tour bus. Exploring Scotland with the most delicious kilted man in the British Isles makes protecting her heart and keeping her distance…complicated. Marie must steel herself against his charms and focus on returning to her life back home because she needs to support her sister since their flake of a mother won’t stick around long enough to do it. (The first sentence is about the ex being a dirtball and the entire paragraph supports the trip to ease that ache but the stake listed at the end includes a problem not discussed yet. I’d maybe look at expanding the opening and just make a mention how she needs to vacation not only get away from Donny dirtball, but also her family?)
Oliver Stuart has the chance of a lifetime to expand his tour business and offer his part-time guides full-time jobs, unless rival beats him to the opportunity of a lifetime. (You’ve got an echo her with lifetime and the last part of the sentence feels like it’s running out of steam. What is the opportunity and why will his rival have access? Not to mention the distracting American lass (Love that) he can’t get out of his mind. Add a bus full of well-meaning busybodies playing matchmaker (and a few trying to get in the way) and they’ve got a wild holiday in Scotland.
Marie and Oliver can’t deny their burning attraction, but responsibility and risk become gates not guides. Is there more than just the ocean keep them apart? (Tinker here a bit to amp up the stakes to sound more dramatic. ) I love your phrasing and tone. (And the title’s a real hoot too.) I made a few notes and hope they help. Strong start!
First 250 Words: "The toilets may not be clean at this Glasgow pub, but at least it offered flavored prophylactics in festive packaging. "(Love this line)
She admired the red and orange tartan cardboard packages as she exited the bathroom. (I’d put a thought her – her distraction. Would Cally back home e the first to actually taste test these? Who came up with this crap anyway? Her body slammed into a hard chest. She tore her eyes away from the packets and looked up. "Excuse me. I'm sorry, I-"
A curly haired sexpot with eyes as bright as the Caribbean Sea gifted her with a wicked grin.
Her first thought? She wanted to jump up and wrap her arms and legs around him.
Second thought? Don’t. That's inappropriate behavior.
Third thought? Wuss.
She stared at him. His eyes lowered to the ridiculous handful of condom packets she pressed into his chest.
"Hoping to pull?" he said with a toe-curling brogue.
"Pull? No, these are souvenirs." A laugh bubbled up and escaped her throat in the form of something far too close to a squeak. "These are hilarious. Back home the condom machines don't have anything as fancy as this."
He grinned down at her. She appreciated that he was at least six inches taller than her. “The flavored ones are only in the machines. I prefer the plain ones.”
This has the perfect tone for a fun and flirty romance novel. The pacing and dialogue and set up – great stuff, really. I’d keep on reading.
All suggestions are IMHO and are meant to be thought provoking, maybe helpful, but not gospel. Take ‘em, leave ‘em. This is your rodeo, so it’s up to you. Best of luck
Thank you so much for the feedback, Elsie!
ReplyDeleteI've been tinkering with my 250 (still working on query revisions).
* * *
Whisky flavored condoms? Marie chuckled as she reached in her purse to snag a few coins for the vending machine. Her first day in Glasgow and she’d already found the perfect souvenirs. The toilets may not be clean at this pub, but at least it offered flavored prophylactics in festive packaging.
She admired the red and orange tartan cardboard packets as she exited the bathroom. Maybe the couple of drinks she'd had added to their humor, or the sleep that eluded her as she flew halfway across the world.
Her body slammed into a hard chest. She looked up. "Excuse me. I'm sorry, I-"
A curly haired sexpot with eyes as bright as the water along the Outer Hebrides gifted her with a wicked grin.
Her first thought? She wanted to jump up and wrap her arms and legs around him.
Second? Don’t. That's inappropriate behavior.
Third? Wuss.
She stared at him and watched his eyes lower to the ridiculous handful of condom packets she pressed into his chest.
"Hoping to pull?" he said with a toe-curling brogue.
"Pull? No, these are souvenirs." A laugh bubbled up and escaped her throat in the form of something far too close to a squeak. "These are hilarious. Back home the condom machines don't have anything as fancy as this."
He grinned down at her. She appreciated that he was at least six inches taller than her. “The flavored ones are only in the machines. I prefer the plain ones.”
“So…you’ve tasted them?”
Query:
ReplyDeleteMarie Christie’s ex-boyfriend is a dirtball. When given the opportunity to escape his drama for her oldest friend’s destination wedding in Scotland, she pounces. The trip gives her a chance to heal her heart and earn the coveted *I don’t need a man card*. Nothing can stop her. Well, except for the hot Scot tour guide she has to spend a week with on a small tour bus. Exploring Scotland with the most delicious kilted man in the British Isles makes protecting her heart and keeping her distance…complicated. Marie must steel herself against his charms and focus on returning to her life back home because she needs to support her sister since their flake of a mother won’t stick around long enough to do it. (This last line was odd…We start out with a jerk ex and getting away, then wait, there’s a sister and flaky mom. I’d work them in earlier. So what she wants…To find herself? To take care of her sister? To beat up her ex? To not fall for the Hot Scot? I want to know a bit more about Marie. If she wants to hang out with hot Scot, if she is falling for him and wants to stay, then we go into how she can’t.)
Oliver Stuart has the chance of a lifetime to expand his tour business and offer his part-time guides full-time jobs, unless (a) rival beats him to the opportunity of a lifetime. (Repeat of “lifetime”.) Not to mention the distracting American lass he can’t get out of his mind. Add a bus full of well-meaning busybodies playing matchmaker (and a few trying to get in the way) and they’ve got a wild holiday in Scotland. They can’t deny their burning attraction, but they live an ocean apart and can’t ignore their responsibilities at home.
Now for para three…bring them together here. Show us the obstacles getting in the way of their wants. Their responsibilities that call them apart. What choice do they have to make? What consequences are there for their decisions?
NEW 250…
Whisky flavored condoms? Marie chuckled as she reached in her purse to snag a few coins for the vending machine. Her first day in Glasgow and she’d already found the perfect souvenirs. (Why is she there? Vaca? Is she getting away from something?) The toilets may not be clean at this pub, but at least it offered flavored prophylactics in festive packaging.
She admired the red and orange tartan cardboard packets as she exited the bathroom. Maybe the couple of drinks she'd had added to their humor, or the sleep that eluded her as she flew halfway across the world. (Any sounds from the pub? Smells? Had flying halfway across the world been worth it?)
Her body slammed into a hard chest. She looked up. "Excuse me. I'm sorry, I-"
A curly haired sexpot with eyes as bright as the water along the Outer Hebrides gifted her with a wicked grin.
Her first thought? She wanted to jump up and wrap her arms and legs around him.
Second? Don’t. That's inappropriate behavior.
Third? Wuss.
She stared at him and watched his eyes lower to the ridiculous handful of condom packets she pressed into his chest.
"Hoping to pull?" he said with a toe-curling brogue.
"Pull? No, these are souvenirs." A laugh bubbled up and escaped her throat in the form of something far too close to a squeak. "These are hilarious. Back home the condom machines don't have anything as fancy as this."
He grinned down at her. She appreciated that he was at least six inches taller than her. “The flavored ones are only in the machines. I prefer the plain ones.”
“So…you’ve tasted them?”
HAHA! Funny! I wonder why she’s there, and maybe a hint at what she wants, but very entertaining!
Thank you both for your feedback! I've been playing with the query and tried to explain some more and up the stakes. Haven't had much distance from it yet to get a sense for if it's more clear/engaging or convoluted :D If anyone has feedback I'm all ears!!
ReplyDelete* * *
When Marie’s bestie asks her to be maid of honor for a quickly approaching destination wedding in Scotland, she seizes the opportunity to escape her dirtball ex’s drama. In her absence, the ex threatens to jeopardize a much-needed software programming promotion she’s up for to support her younger sister. Half a world away she tries to heal her heart between snapping photos of gorgeous scenery and writing code. The hot Scot tour guide she’s stuck on a small bus with for a week derails her focus. Exploring Scotland with the most delicious kilted man in the British Isles makes protecting her heart and keeping her distance…complicated.
Oliver has the chance of a lifetime to expand his tour business and support his employees with more hours and stability. Something his father lacked when Oliver was young and watching his father struggle to pay the bills. Oliver’s moneybags business rival is after the same opportunity – to buy out the business of Oliver’s former mentor. On top of that, his focus ebbs and flows thanks to the distracting American lass he can’t get out of his mind. No woman has ever captured his attention to such an extent and scared him with thoughts of settling down. An act Oliver has spent his life trying to avoid.
Marie and Oliver can’t deny their burning attraction, but responsibilities at home and an ocean between them threaten to be insurmountable obstacles. Add a bus full of well-meaning busybodies playing matchmaker (and a few trying to get in the way) and they’ve got a wild holiday in Scotland.
This is such a fun and captivating concept, and your writing is great - I don't think you'll have any trouble selling this.
ReplyDeleteMy only problem with this query is this line: "In her absence, the ex threatens to jeopardize a much-needed software programming promotion she’s up for to support her younger sister. "
It is a bit confused, and it doesn't seem to belong there. Her ex is supporting her younger sister over her? Or she's getting the promotion to support her younger sister? I'd move this line to the end. Something like, "Meanwhile, back at home, her butthole (I wouldn't use this word...necessarily) ex is threatening to jeopardize Marie's software-programming promotion." I would at least re-word to clarify and to make the ideas flow more smoothly.
Hope this makes some sense, at least!
I couldn't post my votes until now (I'm a schoolteacher by day). But this piece has my vote! From Team Megara!
ReplyDeletehttps://38.media.tumblr.com/7a5a7a68f496d3b5620b3825ac581f45/tumblr_mys4zuIwfM1s4ip2qo1_500.gif