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Title: Talisman
Category and Genre: Adult/Fantasy
Word Count: 90,000
Query:
In Talisman, ordinary people are drawn to ordinary objects with the power to fill the holes in their lives. A plain young woman discovers a mirror that transforms her into whatever person she wants to be. A hopeless gambler finds a lucky coin. A blind girl obtains glasses that enable her to see. The main protagonist, Adam—a millennial stuck in a mind-numbing job, with no girl, no prospects, no purpose—finds a key that enables him to summon untapped willpower and envision possibility. So of course he has no idea what to do with it. That’s when Adam meets Delilah and is drawn into the middle of a secret war between the Order, which believes the talismans are the key to natural selection, and the Following, which believes the talismans herald the Second Coming and that Adam may be the martyr for whom they’ve been waiting. So Adam must find his true purpose, decide whether he can trust Delilah, and avoid becoming a casualty.
First 250 Words:
A darkness without end, she had been born without sight. She likes to think that the fleeting memory of being born into the world, a world of light and movement, was real. Her doctors had ignored such reminisces.
If true, no matter how unlikely, it is unimportant now. What is more cruel, a child who could once see or one who would never know the loss? Such questions were philosophical.
She likes to imagine red. It seems pure. Is it like "sharp" or "hot"? Is it "blaring" or "piercing?"
There are those who muse that one person's red could look blue to another and vice versa. The subject and the name would be the same, the experience divergent. Who can tell?
Some brains were wired differently. They could smell green or see sweet. It was all a matter of perception, not worse, just different. She had consoled herself with such thoughts.
The doctors had given her mother too much oxygen or perhaps it was the nurses. They had not heeded the monitors. She had been a newborn. Her mother died giving birth to her. Everyone said there was nothing that could have been done.
She did not accept that. Her attorney had won compensation. She got A's studying Braille high school text books. Some things just happen. Some things people make happen.
The apartment building is quiet but not silent. The floors creak. Someone is moving about behind a closed door.
Query...
ReplyDeleteIn Talisman, ordinary people are drawn to ordinary objects with the power to fill the holes in their lives. A plain young woman discovers a mirror that transforms her into whatever person she wants to be. A hopeless gambler finds a lucky coin. A blind girl obtains glasses that enable her to see. (THIS IS COOL!) The main protagonist, Adam—a millennial stuck in a mind-numbing job, with no girl, no prospects, no purpose—finds a key that enables him to summon untapped willpower and envision possibility. (OH MY YES!) So of course he has no idea what to do with it. (HAHA!) That’s when Adam meets Delilah (How do they meet? Does she have a key too?) and is drawn into the middle of a secret war between the Order, which believes the talismans are the key to natural selection, and the Following, which believes the talismans herald the Second Coming and that Adam may be the martyr for whom they’ve been waiting. (That last sentence is a bit long...How are they drawn into this war? How does the Order and the Following find them?) So Adam must find his true purpose (kinda vague...he has to unlock the power to use the key? How? How is he handling this?), decide whether he can trust Delilah (Does he have problems trusting people?), and avoid becoming a casualty. (He'll be killed? Oh dear. I really like this concept. I'd love to know a bit more about Adam and Delilah.)
First 250...
A darkness without end, she had been born without sight. She likes to think that the fleeting memory of being born into the world, a world of light and movement, was real. Her doctors had ignored such reminisces.
If true, no matter how unlikely, it is unimportant now. What is more cruel, a child who could once see or one who would never know the loss? Such questions were philosophical.
She likes to imagine red. It seems pure. Is it like "sharp" or "hot"? Is it "blaring" or "piercing?"
There are those who muse that one person's red could look blue to another and vice versa. The subject and the name would be the same, the experience divergent. Who can tell?
Some brains were wired differently. They could smell green or see sweet. It was all a matter of perception, not worse, just different. She had consoled herself with such thoughts.
The doctors had given her mother too much oxygen or perhaps it was the nurses. They had not heeded the monitors. She had been a newborn. Her mother died giving birth to her. Everyone said there was nothing that could have been done.
She did not accept that. Her attorney had won compensation. (Wait...the baby grew up and got an attorney and got money from the hospital where her mom died giving birth to her, because it was the hospital's fault the mom died? YOU CAN DO THAT?) She got A's studying Braille high school text books. Some things just happen. Some things people make happen.
The apartment building is quiet but not silent. The floors creak. Someone is moving about behind a closed door.
This is interesting...full of awesome phrases and delightful thoughts, I enjoyed reading it! But I have no idea who this is. And after reading the query, I don't see how this links to that. I expected to read about Adam or about someone finding a talisman...but nope. So I need to be grounded in the story, with a character, a setting...I love all the thoughts and feelings, but I don't know who I'm with, where I am, or where it's going.
I also had a bit of a disconnect from the query to the 250 words. This must be the blind girl who was mentioned in the query, but the fact that your story doesn't start with the protagonist might be an obstacle when you're querying. Is Delilah the blind girl?
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued by the concept, but I do think the query could use some revision to make sure the language there shines. You use "ordinary" twice in the first sentence. "main protagonist" seems a bit redundant.
The best part of the query is: "—a millennial stuck in a mind-numbing job, with no girl, no prospects, no purpose—finds a key that enables him to summon untapped willpower and envision possibility. So of course he has no idea what to do with it." I like the humor of that, and the phrasing.
The second to the last sentence is long and convoluted and would probably be improved by breaking it into a couple of less complex, more impactful sentences.
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The 250 . . .
There are some interesting tidbits in here. I especially like the part about imagining red.
But, like Kathleen commented above, I have trouble connecting to this character. She doesn't have a name, an age, ethnicity, location, personality trait . . .just her blindness. I'd recommend a revision that pulls the more interesting details to the forefront and intermixing information with emotion.
"NAME liked to imagine red. She'd never seen it, of course. She'd been born blind. But, she wondered about it. It seemed pure . . ."
Hope this helps! -SB
Comments from Elsie Elmore. Blogger won't let her post for herself:
ReplyDelete____________________________
Query:
In Talisman, ordinary people are drawn to ordinary objects with the power to fill the holes in their lives. A plain young woman discovers a mirror that transforms her into whatever person she wants to be. A hopeless gambler finds a lucky coin. A blind girl obtains glasses that enable her to see. A token that tames desires?
XXX years old Adam Last Name—is stuck in a mind-numbing job, with no girl, no prospects, no purpose. Use this space to make a statement about his mental state or emotional state. How does he finds the key? Is that worth mentioning? Then throw in what that bad boy does… such as: that enables him to summon untapped willpower and envision possibility. Adam has no idea what to do with a token of so much power? SO, does he slip it in his pocket and forget about it?
when and how does Adam meet Delilah? Is she in on this key business? and is drawn into the middle of a secret war between the Order, which believes the talismans are the key to natural selection, and the Following, which believes the talismans herald the Second Coming and that Adam may be the martyr for whom they’ve been waiting. (That’s a long sentence. Bust that baby up in to parts. So Adam must find his true purpose, decide whether he can trust Delilah, and avoid becoming a casualty. This spot is reserved for stakes. You listed stakes but amp up the drama – no doubt finding ones’ purpose is important but tinker with the phrasing so it sounds like the word will stop is that doesn’t happen J
First 250 Words:
A darkness without end, she (she gotta a name?) had been born without sight. She likes to think that the fleeting memory of being born into the world, a world of light and movement, was real. Her doctors had ignored such reminisces.
If true, no matter how unlikely, it is unimportant now. What is more cruel, a child who could once see or one who would never know the loss? Such questions were philosophical.
She likes to imagine red. It seems pure. Is it like "sharp" or "hot"? Is it "blaring" or "piercing?"
There are those who muse that one person's red could look blue to another and vice versa. The subject and the name would be the same, the experience divergent. Who can tell?
Some brains were wired differently. They could smell green or see sweet. It was all a matter of perception, not worse, just different. She had consoled herself with such thoughts.
The doctors had given her mother too much oxygen or perhaps it was the nurses. They had not heeded the monitors. She had been a newborn. Her mother died giving birth to her. Everyone said there was nothing that could have been done.
She did not accept that. Her attorney had won compensation. She got A's studying Braille high school text books. Some things just happen. Some things people make happen. (Nice line)
The apartment building is quiet but not silent. The floors creak. Someone is moving about behind a closed door.
I’m a little detached with the character. I don’t have a name and the format is presented almost caselike and a bit scattered. The perspective is very far removed, mostly. Based on your query, maybe that’s what you are after? Are you going to first introduce people who want the different talismans before weaving the tale back to Adam’s part? You may want a brief intro or prologue to set up this passage. The action and details are interesting and you’ve got some great lines in there J
All suggestions are IMHO and are meant to be thought provoking, maybe helpful, but not gospel. Take ‘em, leave ‘em. This is your rodeo, so it’s up to you. Best of luck