And away we go! Welcome to Son of a Pitch, Week 2. This week, I'll be hosting ten writers here on my site.
The top twenty will be selected and posted on Friday. Without further ado:
7.
Title: SETTLE THE SCORE
Age and Genre: Adult Romantic Suspense
Word Count: 80,000
Query:
Years ago, twenty-nine-year-old pop star, Jill Aita found her ex-boyfriend beaten and left for dead. Later, because of her testimony, she ensured his conviction for narcotics trafficking. He was imprisoned, and she was to blame. His hate-filled letters made her fear for her life, so she gave up her music career. Sacrificed everything that mattered in life. Disappeared.
But living with fear is no life at all. And Jill wanted to live. Music pulled her back, and she’s thriving. Her album sales are soaring. Her tour schedule is filling up. She’s falling for the sweetest guy ever. It’s all perfect, until he is released from prison. Her ex-boyfriend. The one who said he’d find her and get even when he got out.
Her ex’s menace is renewed when her car’s lug nuts are loosened. She leaves a charity event to find her car windows shattered. Jill longs to disappear again, even though hiding means abandoning her career, leaving the man she’s come to love. But staying means her boyfriend and his daughter may pay the ultimate price. Her ex has killed before.
First 250:
Virginia, Fall 2008
Jill pulled into the Emergency Room parking lot. She sat in her car, gnawing at her cuticles. The thought of what to do when she got here hadn’t crossed her mind. The only thing she was sure of was that she didn’t want to be associated with the beaten man in her passenger seat.
Her stomach twisted thinking of his past. Dealing narcotics. Smuggling. She knew who did this to him. Beat him and left him for dead. If they knew she saved him, there was a good chance they’d come after her. She’d end up beaten, or worse. Dead.
I can’t take him in there. They’ll question me. She noticed that there was an emergency button mounted on every other light post. She pulled up to the farthest one from the hospital doors. Reaching across Herb, she pulled on the door handle, and the car door swung open.
“I’m sorry, Herb.” With every last ounce of strength she had, she pushed Herb’s broken body from her car to the wet pavement. The sound of a few soft thuds from his knees and elbows hitting the parking lot gave way to something that sounded like a heavy cantaloupe bouncing a couple times. This felt inhumane. She felt like a monster.
As she stretched out to pull the door closed, Jill thought she heard Herb try to speak. Whatever it was he had said was so broken up by coughs and gurgles that she understood nothing. She closed the door.
Query – yep, I like it
ReplyDeleteThere were just a few tweakings I wanted to try to make it a bit snappier at times. Use them as a springboard ;) And I know you kept out Herb’s name for a dramatic effect, but it gets tricky just using a pronoun – so I threw his name in. ☺
Years ago, twenty-nine-year-old pop star, Jill Aita found her ex-boyfriend Herb beaten and left for dead. She severed ties when she dropped him at the hospital, but she was called as a witness. Her testimony ensured/cemented his narcotics trafficking conviction. He was imprisoned, and she was to blame. (I like this) Herb’s hate-filled letters gave her reason to fear for her life. So she gave up her music career and sacrificed everything that mattered in life. And Disappeared.
But living with fear is no life at all. And Jill wants to live. Music pulls her back. Soon, her album sales soar and her tour schedule fills up. She’s even falling for the sweetest guy ever. Everything is perfect, until Herb is released from prison. Herb, her ex-boyfriend. The one who said he’d find her when he got out (and get even/settle their score? – a special threat he made would fit perfectly here)
Jill knows it’s not coincidence when her car’s lug nuts are loosened and her car windows shattered. Herb’s back and means business?/that her happiness/safety is over? She longs to disappear again, even though hiding means abandoning her career and leaving the man she’s come to love. But staying means either she or someone she loves may pay the ultimate price.
(Since the daughter has not been mentioned up until now, I’d keep her out.)
First 250
Nice 250 – really nice
I like the voice. I pointed out a few minor details but otherwise, 2 thumbs up!
Jill pulled into the Emergency Room parking lot.(*** rain?) She sat in her car, gnawing at her cuticles. The thought of what to do when she got here hadn’t crossed her mind. The only thing she was sure of was that she didn’t want to be associated with the beaten man in her passenger seat.
Her stomach twisted thinking of his past. Dealing narcotics. Smuggling.(you may want to insert some suggestion that this is her boyfriend. I know this from the query and having read the passage. This will pack more of a punch of she’s not just dumping an acquaintance but a former loved one.- She didn’t love him any more. He wasn’t the Herb she fell in love with. He was… or How could she, but seeing him battered, she couldn’t do nothing. …) Besides, she knew who did this to him. Beat him and left him for dead. If they knew she saved him, there was a good chance they’d come after her. She’d end up beaten, or worse. Dead.
I can’t take him in there. They’ll question me. She noticed the emergency buttons mounted on every other light post. She pulled up to the farthest one from the hospital doors. (love this detail and thought – very in the moment) Reaching across Herb, she pulled on the door handle, and the car door swung open.
“I’m sorry, Herb.” With every last ounce of strength she had, she pushed Herb’s broken body from her car to the wet pavement. (why is the pavement wet? If it’s raining, go back to the first line and use that to set up the ambiance – otherwise, why is the pavement wet? ;) The sound of a few soft thuds from his knees and elbows hitting the parking lot gave way to something that sounded like a heavy cantaloupe bouncing a couple times. (nice) This felt inhumane. She felt like a monster.
As she stretched out to pull the door closed, (rain drops laded on her hand.?) Jill thought she heard Herb speak. Whatever it was he had said was so broken up by coughs and gurgles that she understood nothing. She closed the door.
Thanks a ton, Elsie!
DeleteQuery: I'd start with this:
ReplyDeleteJill longs to disappear again, even though hiding means abandoning her career, leaving the man she’s come to love. But staying means her boyfriend and his daughter may pay the ultimate price. Her ex has killed before.
It's the crux of your story.
250 words: This was well done. I would keep reading to find out more! No changes needed.
Excellent!
Thanks for your kind words and advice!
DeleteQuery: There's some filler phrasing that you could cut to tighten this up a bit. Especially the first sentence could use a bit of punching up. As it is right now, the information is all there, but it feels a bit flat.
ReplyDelete"Living with fear is no life at all." That's a strong line. Move it to the front:
Living with fear is no life at all, but that's just what twenty-nine year old pop star Jill Aita has been doing since the night she found her ex-boyfriend beaten and left for dead… or something like that.
For the second paragraph, the list of successes is good. It makes a nice contrast to the fear. I'd start with: "Music pulled her back."
"Her ex" is becoming an awkward phrase to work with. Why not name him? It's a good idea to avoid using too many names in such a brief summary of your story, but you could get away with two. "He's killed before" would punch harder at the end than "Her ex", too.
First 250: I liked the scene. I sympathized with her stress over the whole situation and found her closing of the door nicely symbolic: a shutting away of herself from this man and all the danger and unhappiness he represents.
I'd read more.
A personal thanks to you, Samantha! I hope my fixes went the right way!
DeleteI love this! As Samantha suggested, I would consider reorganizing your query for added impact.
ReplyDeleteThe first 250 words are excellent. I would definitely read more.
Best of luck!
Thank you for your kind words!!! Short, sweet, and awesome!
DeleteThank you!! I loved all of your advice. (I love the "excellent" comments better, though. :) ) I know changes can go one way or the other, good or bad, so here's to hoping I went the right way!!!
ReplyDeleteLiving in fear is no life at all. For nearly five years, that was how twenty-nine-year-old pop star, Jill Aita, tried to live. She thought her ties with her ex-boyfriend were severed the night she found him beaten and left for dead. The night she left his body in the hospital parking lot.
That was only the beginning. She was forced to testify against him for narcotics trafficking. He was imprisoned, and she was to blame. His hate-filled letters made her fear for her life. She gave up her music career. Sacrificed everything that mattered in life. Disappeared.
Music pulled her back, and she’s thriving. Her album sales are soaring. Her tour schedule is filling up. She’s falling for the sweetest guy ever. It’s all perfect, until Herb is released from prison. Her ex-boyfriend. The one whose letters said when he got out, someone would find her the way she had found him.
Jill threw coincidence out the window when her car’s lug nuts are loosened. And again, when she leaves a charity event to find her car windows shattered. Jill longs to disappear again, even though hiding means abandoning her career, leaving the man she’s come to love. But staying means she, or someone she loves, may pay the ultimate price. Herb has killed before.
Joe,
DeleteConsider moving that last snippet - up in the story or removing. For me, that line holds less punch than the previous one. You want to deliver a final blow in your last words. Read it aloud with and with out that line.
And the changes work :)
tiny notes:
(verb tense in the sentence : Jill threw (throws)?
and I'd change may to will in the second to last line
When changes are nitpicks, I think that's a good sign :)
I certainly hope you are correct! Thanks again. You're awesome. :)
DeleteGreat concept. I have a soft spot for romantic suspense, and for narcotics traffickers and musician MCs (as long as they're done well, and it sounds to me like this one really is).
ReplyDeleteOkay, just some tightening on the query:
Years ago, twenty-nine-year-old pop star, Jill Aita, found her ex-boyfriend beaten and left for dead. Later, because of her testimony, she ensured his conviction for narcotics trafficking [might want to say why...because it sort of makes me not like her much. If her testimony put him in prison, she obviously knew about his activities beforehand...was she trying to save his life, since she found him beaten? Was she trying to escape his abuse?]. His hate-filled letters from prison made her fear for her life, so she gave up her music career. Sacrificed everything that mattered in life. Disappeared.
But living with fear is no life at all, and Jill decided she wanted to live. She dove back into her music career. Her album sales soared, her tour schedule quickly filling, and when she begins to fall for a sweet new man, Jill begins to hope she finally has her life back.
Until her ex is released from prison, and begins to make good on his threats. Her car’s lug nuts are loosened, the windows shattered. When her boyfriend and his daughter's lives are threatened, Jill faces a tough choice: abandoning her career again and leaving the man she’s come to love, or risk losing them anyway.
(something like that. It's not perfect)
250: Remove 2nd paragraph entirely. It's backstory and doesn't belong here. But later, after "felt like a monster." You can add, "But if she didn't do this, she'd be risking getting beaten worse than him." or something.
Great concept, great entry. Thank you :)
No need to thank me. I would, however, like to thank you for your help!!
Delete