tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post4439268849141312290..comments2024-03-26T23:31:37.080-04:00Comments on Balancing Act: Son of a Pitch Entry 6: Standing the Final WatchSamantha Bryanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17684962313482409801noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-74713880806350121252016-02-25T18:49:12.451-05:002016-02-25T18:49:12.451-05:00OMG!OMG!William Alan Webbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06803869933268503457noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-20253919729601042252016-02-25T18:26:28.444-05:002016-02-25T18:26:28.444-05:00THIS ONE HAS MY VOTE.THIS ONE HAS MY VOTE.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15663085337949461203noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-64164974851848575062016-02-25T16:52:28.568-05:002016-02-25T16:52:28.568-05:00A final thanks for hosting my entry. Although I ca...A final thanks for hosting my entry. Although I came in last, it was more than a worthwhile endeavor. Best to you, Samantha!William Alan Webbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06803869933268503457noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-64097509705961439182016-02-25T11:22:30.517-05:002016-02-25T11:22:30.517-05:00Elizabeth - Thank you! That helps immensely!Elizabeth - Thank you! That helps immensely!William Alan Webbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06803869933268503457noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-37851068014893595712016-02-25T07:23:30.557-05:002016-02-25T07:23:30.557-05:00This is a cool concept. The beginning of the query...This is a cool concept. The beginning of the query, though, I think is confusing and probably we don't need that info here. I might start here:<br /><br />Nick Argiff awakens after sixty years to find the United States government destroyed, with a bizarre religious sect dominating the wreckage and enslaving the survivors. He is the commander of Operation Overtime, an elite military unit which had been stored in suspended animation against the possibility of national collapse, and resurrecting America becomes Angriff’s sacred duty.<br /><br />Tighten second paragraph:<br /><br />Before he can save others, however, he must first stay alive. Angriff quickly discovers remnants of the extremist factions of the dead U.S.A. within his brigade, still fighting old battles, and he’s a target for both sides.<br /><br />Clarify third:<br />His choice is stark: dig out the threats within Operation Overtime first while watching innocents die, or risk assassination in order to fulfil his mission and end the slavery and slaughter. (This isn't quite right, but you get my drift...)<br /><br />I'm not sure you need the last paragraph, because you're spoiling the tension you set up in the one before, and I think that tension is where you want to leave it.<br /><br />250: I don't really have any problem with this. Good action, good suspense, great imagery.<br /><br />Thank you for your entry!<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08918019537377378522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-81843542426259608652016-02-24T20:42:38.947-05:002016-02-24T20:42:38.947-05:00If they are better, it's only because of your ...If they are better, it's only because of your guidance.William Alan Webbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06803869933268503457noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-34751779552600682052016-02-24T19:10:44.649-05:002016-02-24T19:10:44.649-05:00Both flow much better for me now. Excellent work!Both flow much better for me now. Excellent work!Samantha Bryanthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17684962313482409801noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-69611481369105193762016-02-24T18:34:00.346-05:002016-02-24T18:34:00.346-05:00The input of you judges was incredible!The input of you judges was incredible!William Alan Webbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06803869933268503457noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-69862877958727853552016-02-24T18:33:31.365-05:002016-02-24T18:33:31.365-05:00You have no idea how exciting it is to read that o...You have no idea how exciting it is to read that one word. Thanks!William Alan Webbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06803869933268503457noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-19242286003165643172016-02-24T16:34:29.009-05:002016-02-24T16:34:29.009-05:00Again, excellent!Again, excellent!Yolanda Renéehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09085436784133103221noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-55936153097401361382016-02-24T16:33:44.793-05:002016-02-24T16:33:44.793-05:00Excellent!Excellent!Yolanda Renéehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09085436784133103221noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-13832727590156485102016-02-24T15:33:33.570-05:002016-02-24T15:33:33.570-05:00Here's my updated, updated query based on furt...Here's my updated, updated query based on further input.<br /><br />The terrorists who killed Angriff’s wife and daughter leave him one mission in life: to kill the killers. Obsessed with revenge, he needs a new reason for living before anger eats him alive. When a higher duty calls, nothing about it is divine.<br /><br />With no loved ones to miss or mourn him, he agrees to command Operation Overtime, an elite military unit stored in suspended animation against the possibility of national collapse. He awakens after sixty years to find the United States government destroyed.<br /><br />A bizarre religious sect dominates the wreckage and enslaves the survivors. Resurrecting America become’s Angriff’s sacred duty.<br /><br />In order to save others, however, he must first stay alive. Angriff quickly discovers opposing plots within his brigade, including one to assassinate him. They are remnants of the dead U.S.A., still fighting old battles. He’s a target for both sides.<br /><br />His choice is stark: dig out the threats within Operation Overtime first, or risk everything to help innocents facing slavery and death. Failure means the final death knell for the land of the free, ushering in the Age of the Slave.<br /><br />Without knowing friend from foe, Nick Angriff leads the last Americans into the wasteland of North America, armed only with their guts, their wits and a determination to rebuild the United States.<br />William Alan Webbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06803869933268503457noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-79809225377939810192016-02-24T13:56:31.145-05:002016-02-24T13:56:31.145-05:00Here's my revised 250, and let me tell you, I ...Here's my revised 250, and let me tell you, I am trusting you judges 100% on this one. It's not the way I saw the scene originally, but not that I've revised it I like it. A LOT. I hope you do, too, it is entirely based on your comments.<br /><br />Lake Tahoe sparkled under a high sun in a cloudless sky. From the warmth of the tour boat’s passenger lounge, Mary Buffer enjoyed watching her chubby husband, Winslow, brace himself against the railings and turn his face into the wind. It was the first day of their first vacation since before Emily was born. The red-haired toddler stood on tiptoes and waved at her father, then knocked on the window to get his attention. Her warm breath frosted the glass. Winslow grinned at her, despite the cold spray, and waved back. <br /><br />Out of the chill and sipping hot chocolate from a foam cup, Mary watched Winslow acting like a little boy and giggled. He often told her about his fantasy of cutting the clear waters of the Caribbean, the wind blowing his sparse hair, as he stood at the helm of his own sailing ship. She assumed those daydreams cycled in an endless loop in his mind. She certainly hoped so; starting a solo practice as a new CPA required long, hard hours, and he deserved time to dream and play. <br /><br />The muffled buzz of a speedboat, growing louder as it drew near, caught Mary's attention and she glanced left. Milling people blocked her view as the smaller boat throttled down near the port bow. She looked back at Winslow in time to see something metal hit the deck and bounce, stopping near his feet. It seemed vaguely familiar, but her mind did not recognize it before the blast of the grenade ripped him apart.<br />William Alan Webbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06803869933268503457noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-19990117013833522252016-02-24T13:44:56.078-05:002016-02-24T13:44:56.078-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.William Alan Webbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06803869933268503457noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-72484521252720796772016-02-24T11:37:37.633-05:002016-02-24T11:37:37.633-05:00Elsie - Needless to say, you are on my Christmas c...Elsie - Needless to say, you are on my Christmas cookie list, as are all of the judges. In conjunction with the other comments, this is simply invaluable to a non-fiction writer like me, trying to transition back to fiction.<br /><br />The voices are so radically different that when you take time from your busy life, and this goes for all of the judges, to help someone you don't know, it is truly extraordinary.<br /><br />Thank you, more than you can ever know.<br /><br />BillWilliam Alan Webbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06803869933268503457noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-84432087958591324002016-02-24T09:44:48.076-05:002016-02-24T09:44:48.076-05:00You've got some excellent sentences packed in ...You've got some excellent sentences packed in your query. I went in and tinkered a bit. The tag line at the top threw me forward and, personally, I'd like to build to that and not know up front. <br />I tinkered with your words and left a few questions/suggestions in the body. Hope this helps.<br /><br />The terrorists who slaughtered General Nick Angriff’s wife and daughter leave him one mission in life: to find the killers. Obsessed with revenge, Angriff needs a new reason for living before anger eats him alive. When a higher duty calls, nothing about it is divine. (I'm not fond of the word miraculously - too vague/coincidenty :)<br /><br />With no loved ones to miss or mourn him, he agrees to command Operation Overtime, an elite military unit stored in suspended animation against the possibility of national collapse. (This is some gorgeous stuff right here!)<br /><br />He awakens sixty years later? to find the United States government destroyed. (I'd break here - two powerful sentences) A bizarre religious sect dominates the wreckage and enslaves the survivors. Resurrecting America becomes Angriff’s sacred duty.<br /><br />In order? to save others, however, he must first stay alive. Angriff quickly discovers opposing plots within his brigade, including one to assassinate him. They are remnants of the extremist politics of the dead U.S.A. still fighting old battles. He’s (or he becomes?) a target for both sides.<br /><br />His choice is stark: dig out the threats within Operation Overtime first, or risk everything to help innocents facing slavery and death.<br /><br />Without knowing friend from foe, Angriff leads the last Americans into the North American wasteland armed only with their guts, their wits and a determination to rebuild the United States.<br /><br />And if he fails? Is the major stake the dissolution and complete eradication of the America he knew? Package that meaty stake up right here and leave it in a question or seriously threatening format.<br /><br />first 250<br />I loved your first 250. Wanted more actually.<br /><br />best of luck!<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15663085337949461203noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-85019458697137232692016-02-23T21:39:30.609-05:002016-02-23T21:39:30.609-05:00Our pleasure, William. I'm happy to be able to...Our pleasure, William. I'm happy to be able to help others as others once helped (and still help!) me. Samantha Bryanthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17684962313482409801noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-40043233967257289742016-02-23T20:49:25.888-05:002016-02-23T20:49:25.888-05:00In particular, thank you so much for the help on t...In particular, thank you so much for the help on the query. I did not want to cheat the agent on details, but don't want to flood them, either. This is awesome advice!William Alan Webbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06803869933268503457noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-10105908149125590372016-02-23T20:48:20.032-05:002016-02-23T20:48:20.032-05:00Thank you so much! I had thought that by starting ...Thank you so much! I had thought that by starting with Mary, then blowing up her husband, I might be tricking the reader. I will take your advice, however, as you know a lot more than me.William Alan Webbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06803869933268503457noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-21635988583316674672016-02-23T20:47:15.142-05:002016-02-23T20:47:15.142-05:00My complete and total thanks to you both! I'm ...My complete and total thanks to you both! I'm sure you know how much I appreciate this, and much it helps, but let me say it again anyway: thank you!!<br /><br />William Alan Webbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06803869933268503457noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-61249716735345839642016-02-23T20:26:38.785-05:002016-02-23T20:26:38.785-05:00Query: I'd start with this:
Without knowing ...Query: I'd start with this: <br /><br />Without knowing friend from foe, Angriff leads the last Americans into the wasteland of North America, armed only with their guts, their wits and a determination to rebuild the United States. <br /><br />He awakens after sixty years to find the United States government destroyed, with a bizarre religious sect dominating the wreckage and enslaving the survivors. Resurrecting America becomes Angriff’s sacred duty.<br /><br />His choice is stark: dig out the threats within Operation Overtime first, or risk everything to help innocents facing slavery and death.<br /><br />Make these your first three paragraphs or something very similar and you'll highlight the protagonist and his journey. Although, I was interested right off the bat! <br /><br />250 words: Horrific scene but well done!<br /><br />Good job!Yolanda Renéehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09085436784133103221noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774305250676105976.post-25052600247881318202016-02-23T20:20:30.019-05:002016-02-23T20:20:30.019-05:00Query: The first paragraph leaves me a little mudd...Query: The first paragraph leaves me a little muddled. I'm not sure of the setting. "Seventh Calvary" sounds like older terminology, but "post-Collapse" could be the future, something post-apocalyptic. The opening lines are a good place to help your potential publisher or agent really understand what kind of book you've written (genre, category, tone) and this doesn't do that for me. <br /><br />The plot summary information in the second paragraph works well. I understand the story dynamics. I'd work on this line a bit: "Miraculously, a higher duty calls, except nothing about it is divine." It has that "almost, but not quite" feel. <br /><br />For a query, I think you're giving too much detail about how he goes about resurrecting America. It crystalizes very well here: "His choice is stark: dig out the threats within Operation Overtime first, or risk everything to help innocents facing slavery and death." I'd condense or even cut the paragraphs before and after this part. <br /><br />250 Words: "Death raced across Lake Tahoe headed straight for the Tahoe Princess, where Winslow Buffer stood at the bow and squinted into the sunlit waters ahead. No premonition of Winslow’s imminent death troubled Mary Buffer."<br /><br />Wow, that's a lot of proper nouns in just two sentences. Probably too many. Let's get to Mary right away, then fill in these other details more slowly. <br /><br />You do, however, build a nice contrast between the light scene of Mary watching her husband have fun, and his sudden and unexpected death by grenade. Good line to stop on, leaving the reader wanting to know what just happened. Samantha Bryanthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17684962313482409801noreply@blogger.com