Monday, February 22, 2016

Son of a Pitch Entry 9: My Soul to Give




And away we go! Welcome to Son of a Pitch, Week 2. This week, I'll be hosting ten writers here on my site. Any visitor to my blog is welcome to comment below as to whether this pitch piques your interest and what feedback you have about making it stronger. UPDATE: My misunderstanding. The organizer asks that only the entrant and judges comment below.

Participants are asked NOT to comment on other entrants' posts, only their own. Though, you may, of course, tweet, bribe, coax, share, cajole and otherwise pursue glory for your own pitch. I'll be leaving feedback in the comments, as will other participating writers: Ayden Morgen , Elsie Elmore , Leigh Statham Mara ValderranStacey Nash , Elizabeth Roderick, and Yolanda Renée!


The top twenty will be selected and posted on Friday. Without further ado:


9.
Title: MY SOUL TO GIVE
Age and Genre: Adult Paranormal Mystery
Word Count: 89,000

Query:
When Celina escapes the brutal home invasion that kills her husband, she’s left with a bullet in her gut and vengeance in her heart. A charming demon, Mekaisto, offers an irresistible deal: In exchange for her soul, he’ll let her live long enough to get her revenge, but she must hunt and kill the murderers herself.

But the break-in wasn’t random. When Celina digs deeper into her husband’s past for clues about his murder, she uncovers dangerous secrets. His company never existed. His family history was a lie. And he was intricately involved with The Lumen, a shadowy religious order whose members know more about demons than they’re telling. As faith in her marriage wanes and Mekaisto proves a trustworthy ally, Celina struggles against her late husband’s betrayal and the dark charms of the devil she knows.

Once Celina targets her husband’s killers, she learns it’s not just her life and soul on the line. She’s pregnant, and Mekaisto has plans for her unborn son. If Celina can’t trick the dark realm’s greatest master of deceit, both she and her child will be lost for eternity.


First 250 words:

Celina stared ahead, the headlights cutting through early spring fog as they wound down the long country road. Her husband’s silence hung heavy between them, Celina’s thoughts flying by faster than the trees whipping past the car.

They didn’t get into town for dinner often; it should have been romantic, but Thomas had been distant and distracted all night.

Five years of marriage and I still can’t figure out all his weird moods.

She gasped as he slammed on the car brakes as hundreds of crows dived at the car. “What the hell is—?”

Their black feathered wings smashed against the windshield, and the car screeched to a halt, flinging Celina into the seatbelt.

Thomas grabbed her shoulder. “Are you ok?”

She nodded as her pulse slowed, and they both stepped out of the car.

Celina leaned against the side of the vehicle and looked around, the headlights illuminating a small circle in the darkness. “We definitely hit some of them… How is there no blood?”

His eyes glazed as he glanced back. “What?”

“You’ve been acting strange all evening.”

He winked. “That’s because I am strange.”

What is he hiding?

“Really? We almost crashed because a group of crows flew out of nowhere like something out of Hitchcock, and you’re smiling and winking like it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood.”

He wrapped his arms around her waist. “A murder.” She arched an eyebrow and his smile widened. “It’s what a group of crows is called—a murder of crows.”

21 comments:

  1. Query: This worked for me. I love the premise!

    250 words: Great scene.

    Excellent job!

    ReplyDelete
  2. For your query : I think it's very strong and I like it. My only suggestion is to make the fact she's pregnant int he last paragraph a stand alone sentence. That is such a game changer :)

    And, I thought there was just a little tinkering with your words. Mainly I changed your punctuation in a few places to match the drama.

    First 250 words:

    Celina stared ahead, the headlights cutting through early spring fog as they wound down the long country road. Her husband’s silence hung heavy between them, Celina’s thoughts flying by faster than the trees whipping past the car.

    They didn’t get into town for dinner often; it should have been romantic, but Thomas had been distant and distracted all night.

    Five years of marriage and I still can’t figure out all his weird moods.(Maybe italicize if this is an internal thought. If it’s not an internal thought, check verb tense.)

    She gasped as he slammed on the car brakes. Hundreds of crows dived at the car. “What the hell is—?”

    Their black feathered wings smashed against the windshield. The car screeched to a halt, flinging Celina into the seatbelt.

    Thomas grabbed her shoulder. “Are you ok?”

    She nodded as her pulse slowed, and they both stepped out of the car.

    Celina leaned against the (front bumper? it feels like that is where she is - if not rename :) and looked around, the headlights illuminating a small circle in the darkness. “We definitely hit some of them… How is there no blood?”

    His eyes glazed as he glanced back. “What?”

    “You’ve been acting strange all evening.” (would she follow that up with an – Are you okay? Or Is everything all right?”

    He winked. “That’s because I am strange.”

    What is he hiding?

    “Really? A group of crows flew out of nowhere and crashed into us like something out of Hitchcock, and you’re smiling and winking like it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood.”

    He wrapped his arms around her waist. “A murder.” She arched an eyebrow. His smile widened. “It’s what a group of crows is called—a murder of crows.”

    Best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much! :D Yes, the internal monologue is italicized in the ms, but I don't think it came out in the formatting ;)

      Again - thanks for your feedback!!! ^_^

      Delete
  3. Query: Very nice! It’s a good set-up for an intriguing tale, and I like the pregnancy adding a layer and putting everyone’s motives into question. Only a couple of bumps: “intricately involved” sounds off to me. Maybe “intimately”? As Elsie suggested, I’d move that pregnancy to it’s own line, using the white space to set it off for even greater effect.

    First 250 words: Interesting scene. I only bumped on the shift into first person (I’d just put it in third person: she still couldn’t) and his “glazed eyes” as he glanced back (I wasn’t sure what that meant or was supposed to indicate under these circumstances). I’d read more.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! :D

      So do you mean literally pressing "enter" so that "She's pregnant." is alone on its own line?

      it's 1st person because it's internal thoughts, but because there's no italic, it even threw me off a little lol. Do you think it's ok as long as it's in italics?

      Delete
    2. Yes, italics is often used to indicate internal thought. If you have enough internal thought of this sort to make it worth it, then italics will do it. If you only have a phrase or two, I'd just rewrite to eliminate it.

      And, yes, I literally mean just make it a separate paragraph. Kind of like a line of poetry that gains emphasis by being shorter than other lines and set apart visually.

      Delete
    3. there's italic thoughts throughout the manuscript, so I guess it's a keeper lol ;)

      Thank you very much for your feedback, and reply! *hugs*

      Delete
  4. Query: perfection

    250: Re-word to increase tension. Something like:

    Her husband suddenly slammed on the brakes, cursing. “What the hell is—?” There was a noise like hail on the car's roof, and hundreds of black-feathered wings smashed against the windshield.
    The car screeched to a halt, flinging Celina into the seatbelt.
    She gasped. "Are those birds?"

    Make sure you tell us that the bird-attack stops, or we wonder why the hell they're getting out of the car...

    This seems like a disjointed conversation: His eyes glazed as he glanced back. “What?”

    “You’ve been acting strange all evening.”

    He winked. “That’s because I am strange.”

    What is he hiding?

    I'd replace the internal thought with something like, "She gazed at him, her eyebrows drawing together." And put it before the "You've been acting strange all evening" That might make it hold together better for me.

    Great entry. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much for the feedback!

      Though I can't have the husband reacting to it at all because of...reasons lol explained at the end of the story

      But I'll check to see if the rest of your suggested edits fit within the 250 words (I basically want the part about murder of crows included in it so I always have to be careful what I add beforehand so that it doesn't go above)

      Thanks again!!! :D

      Delete
    2. does this sound ok?



      He slammed on the brakes, flinging her into the seatbelt with a gasp. A noise like hail hit the car's roof as hundreds of crows dived at the car, their black-feathered wings smashing against the windshield.

      Then, silence.

      Thomas grabbed her shoulder. “Are you okay?”

      Delete
    3. Very visceral, makes me feel like I'm "there." Nice!

      Delete
    4. Yes, I actually like your version better than mine... :)

      Delete
    5. Couldn't have written it without your suggestions, Elizabeth - thank you! :D

      Delete
  5. I have to say that the category for this story and the genres are totally outside of my usual preferences...

    But I want to read it so bad. YOU HAVE MY VOTE! Well done!

    ReplyDelete