Monday, February 22, 2016

Son of a Pitch Entry 6: Standing the Final Watch




And away we go! Welcome to Son of a Pitch, Week 2. This week, I'll be hosting ten writers here on my site. Any visitor to my blog is welcome to comment below as to whether this pitch piques your interest and what feedback you have about making it stronger. UPDATE: My misunderstanding. The organizer asks that only the entrant and judges comment below.

Participants are asked NOT to comment on other entrants' posts, only their own. Though, you may, of course, tweet, bribe, coax, share, cajole and otherwise pursue glory for your own pitch. I'll be leaving feedback in the comments, as will other participating writers: Ayden Morgen , Elsie Elmore , Leigh Statham Mara ValderranStacey Nash , Elizabeth Roderick, and Yolanda Renée!


The top twenty will be selected and posted on Friday. Without further ado:




6.

Title: Standing The Final Watch
Age and Genre: Adult SF
Word Count: 89,000

Query:

Innocents abroad in post-Collapse America face slavery or death, until Nick Angriff and the Seventh Cavalry ride to the rescue.

The terrorists who slaughtered General Nick Angriff’s wife and daughter fulfilled their leader’s purpose, by leaving him one mission in life: to kill the killers. Obsessed with revenge, Angriff needs a new reason for living before anger eats him alive. Miraculously, a higher duty calls, except nothing about it is divine.

With no loved ones to miss or mourn him, he agrees to command Operation Overtime, an elite military unit stored in suspended animation against the possibility of national collapse.

He awakens after sixty years to find the United States government destroyed, with a bizarre religious sect dominating the wreckage and enslaving the survivors. Resurrecting America becomes Angriff’s sacred duty.

Before he can save others, however, he must first stay alive. Angriff quickly discovers opposing plots within his brigade, including one to assassinate him. They are remnants of the extremist politics of the dead U.S.A., still fighting old battles, and he’s a target for both sides.

His choice is stark: dig out the threats within Operation Overtime first, or risk everything to help innocents facing slavery and death.

Without knowing friend from foe, Angriff leads the last Americans into the wasteland of North America, armed only with their guts, their wits and a determination to rebuild the United States.

250 Words:

Death raced across Lake Tahoe headed straight for the Tahoe Princess, where Winslow Buffer stood at the bow and squinted into the sunlit waters ahead. No premonition of Winslow’s imminent death troubled Mary Buffer. From the warmth of the tour boat’s passenger lounge, she enjoyed watching her chubby husband brace himself against the railings and turn his face into the wind. It was the first day of their first vacation since before Emily was born. The red-haired toddler stood on tiptoes and waved at her father. Her warm breath frosted the glass. Winslow stood at the bow, despite the cold spray, and waved back.

Out of the chill, Mary watched Winslow acting like a little boy and giggled. He often told her about his fantasy of cutting the clear waters of the Caribbean, the wind blowing his sparse hair, as he stood at the helm of his own sailing ship. She assumed those daydreams cycled in an endless loop in his mind. She certainly hoped so; starting a solo practice as a new CPA required long, hard hours, and he deserved time to dream and play.

The muffled buzz of a speedboat, growing louder as it drew near, caught Mary's attention and she glanced left. Milling people blocked her view. She looked back at Winslow in time to see something metal hit the deck and bounce, stopping near his feet. It seemed vaguely familiar, but her mind did not recognize it before the blast of the grenade ripped him apart.

22 comments:

  1. Query: The first paragraph leaves me a little muddled. I'm not sure of the setting. "Seventh Calvary" sounds like older terminology, but "post-Collapse" could be the future, something post-apocalyptic. The opening lines are a good place to help your potential publisher or agent really understand what kind of book you've written (genre, category, tone) and this doesn't do that for me.

    The plot summary information in the second paragraph works well. I understand the story dynamics. I'd work on this line a bit: "Miraculously, a higher duty calls, except nothing about it is divine." It has that "almost, but not quite" feel.

    For a query, I think you're giving too much detail about how he goes about resurrecting America. It crystalizes very well here: "His choice is stark: dig out the threats within Operation Overtime first, or risk everything to help innocents facing slavery and death." I'd condense or even cut the paragraphs before and after this part.

    250 Words: "Death raced across Lake Tahoe headed straight for the Tahoe Princess, where Winslow Buffer stood at the bow and squinted into the sunlit waters ahead. No premonition of Winslow’s imminent death troubled Mary Buffer."

    Wow, that's a lot of proper nouns in just two sentences. Probably too many. Let's get to Mary right away, then fill in these other details more slowly.

    You do, however, build a nice contrast between the light scene of Mary watching her husband have fun, and his sudden and unexpected death by grenade. Good line to stop on, leaving the reader wanting to know what just happened.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! I had thought that by starting with Mary, then blowing up her husband, I might be tricking the reader. I will take your advice, however, as you know a lot more than me.

      Delete
  2. Query: I'd start with this:

    Without knowing friend from foe, Angriff leads the last Americans into the wasteland of North America, armed only with their guts, their wits and a determination to rebuild the United States.

    He awakens after sixty years to find the United States government destroyed, with a bizarre religious sect dominating the wreckage and enslaving the survivors. Resurrecting America becomes Angriff’s sacred duty.

    His choice is stark: dig out the threats within Operation Overtime first, or risk everything to help innocents facing slavery and death.

    Make these your first three paragraphs or something very similar and you'll highlight the protagonist and his journey. Although, I was interested right off the bat!

    250 words: Horrific scene but well done!

    Good job!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In particular, thank you so much for the help on the query. I did not want to cheat the agent on details, but don't want to flood them, either. This is awesome advice!

      Delete
  3. My complete and total thanks to you both! I'm sure you know how much I appreciate this, and much it helps, but let me say it again anyway: thank you!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Our pleasure, William. I'm happy to be able to help others as others once helped (and still help!) me.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You've got some excellent sentences packed in your query. I went in and tinkered a bit. The tag line at the top threw me forward and, personally, I'd like to build to that and not know up front.
    I tinkered with your words and left a few questions/suggestions in the body. Hope this helps.

    The terrorists who slaughtered General Nick Angriff’s wife and daughter leave him one mission in life: to find the killers. Obsessed with revenge, Angriff needs a new reason for living before anger eats him alive. When a higher duty calls, nothing about it is divine. (I'm not fond of the word miraculously - too vague/coincidenty :)

    With no loved ones to miss or mourn him, he agrees to command Operation Overtime, an elite military unit stored in suspended animation against the possibility of national collapse. (This is some gorgeous stuff right here!)

    He awakens sixty years later? to find the United States government destroyed. (I'd break here - two powerful sentences) A bizarre religious sect dominates the wreckage and enslaves the survivors. Resurrecting America becomes Angriff’s sacred duty.

    In order? to save others, however, he must first stay alive. Angriff quickly discovers opposing plots within his brigade, including one to assassinate him. They are remnants of the extremist politics of the dead U.S.A. still fighting old battles. He’s (or he becomes?) a target for both sides.

    His choice is stark: dig out the threats within Operation Overtime first, or risk everything to help innocents facing slavery and death.

    Without knowing friend from foe, Angriff leads the last Americans into the North American wasteland armed only with their guts, their wits and a determination to rebuild the United States.

    And if he fails? Is the major stake the dissolution and complete eradication of the America he knew? Package that meaty stake up right here and leave it in a question or seriously threatening format.

    first 250
    I loved your first 250. Wanted more actually.

    best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Elsie - Needless to say, you are on my Christmas cookie list, as are all of the judges. In conjunction with the other comments, this is simply invaluable to a non-fiction writer like me, trying to transition back to fiction.

      The voices are so radically different that when you take time from your busy life, and this goes for all of the judges, to help someone you don't know, it is truly extraordinary.

      Thank you, more than you can ever know.

      Bill

      Delete
  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Here's my updated, updated query based on further input.

      The terrorists who killed Angriff’s wife and daughter leave him one mission in life: to kill the killers. Obsessed with revenge, he needs a new reason for living before anger eats him alive. When a higher duty calls, nothing about it is divine.

      With no loved ones to miss or mourn him, he agrees to command Operation Overtime, an elite military unit stored in suspended animation against the possibility of national collapse. He awakens after sixty years to find the United States government destroyed.

      A bizarre religious sect dominates the wreckage and enslaves the survivors. Resurrecting America become’s Angriff’s sacred duty.

      In order to save others, however, he must first stay alive. Angriff quickly discovers opposing plots within his brigade, including one to assassinate him. They are remnants of the dead U.S.A., still fighting old battles. He’s a target for both sides.

      His choice is stark: dig out the threats within Operation Overtime first, or risk everything to help innocents facing slavery and death. Failure means the final death knell for the land of the free, ushering in the Age of the Slave.

      Without knowing friend from foe, Nick Angriff leads the last Americans into the wasteland of North America, armed only with their guts, their wits and a determination to rebuild the United States.

      Delete
    2. You have no idea how exciting it is to read that one word. Thanks!

      Delete
  7. Here's my revised 250, and let me tell you, I am trusting you judges 100% on this one. It's not the way I saw the scene originally, but not that I've revised it I like it. A LOT. I hope you do, too, it is entirely based on your comments.

    Lake Tahoe sparkled under a high sun in a cloudless sky. From the warmth of the tour boat’s passenger lounge, Mary Buffer enjoyed watching her chubby husband, Winslow, brace himself against the railings and turn his face into the wind. It was the first day of their first vacation since before Emily was born. The red-haired toddler stood on tiptoes and waved at her father, then knocked on the window to get his attention. Her warm breath frosted the glass. Winslow grinned at her, despite the cold spray, and waved back.

    Out of the chill and sipping hot chocolate from a foam cup, Mary watched Winslow acting like a little boy and giggled. He often told her about his fantasy of cutting the clear waters of the Caribbean, the wind blowing his sparse hair, as he stood at the helm of his own sailing ship. She assumed those daydreams cycled in an endless loop in his mind. She certainly hoped so; starting a solo practice as a new CPA required long, hard hours, and he deserved time to dream and play.

    The muffled buzz of a speedboat, growing louder as it drew near, caught Mary's attention and she glanced left. Milling people blocked her view as the smaller boat throttled down near the port bow. She looked back at Winslow in time to see something metal hit the deck and bounce, stopping near his feet. It seemed vaguely familiar, but her mind did not recognize it before the blast of the grenade ripped him apart.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Both flow much better for me now. Excellent work!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If they are better, it's only because of your guidance.

      Delete
  9. This is a cool concept. The beginning of the query, though, I think is confusing and probably we don't need that info here. I might start here:

    Nick Argiff awakens after sixty years to find the United States government destroyed, with a bizarre religious sect dominating the wreckage and enslaving the survivors. He is the commander of Operation Overtime, an elite military unit which had been stored in suspended animation against the possibility of national collapse, and resurrecting America becomes Angriff’s sacred duty.

    Tighten second paragraph:

    Before he can save others, however, he must first stay alive. Angriff quickly discovers remnants of the extremist factions of the dead U.S.A. within his brigade, still fighting old battles, and he’s a target for both sides.

    Clarify third:
    His choice is stark: dig out the threats within Operation Overtime first while watching innocents die, or risk assassination in order to fulfil his mission and end the slavery and slaughter. (This isn't quite right, but you get my drift...)

    I'm not sure you need the last paragraph, because you're spoiling the tension you set up in the one before, and I think that tension is where you want to leave it.

    250: I don't really have any problem with this. Good action, good suspense, great imagery.

    Thank you for your entry!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Elizabeth - Thank you! That helps immensely!

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  11. A final thanks for hosting my entry. Although I came in last, it was more than a worthwhile endeavor. Best to you, Samantha!

    ReplyDelete